Promos from Andrea Chandler, Big Ma Porter, Zaranna and more.
(Fade in on a shot of the outside of an arena. The camera zooms through two metal doors, past an empty backstage area, and through a curtain. The camera follows a wrestler’s perspective down the aisle, turning left and right to slap hands with enthusiastic fans. The camera moves through the ropes and into the center of the ring, and spins in a complete circle, in order to see a full audience cheering madly. The next shot is of red block letters, intercut with still shots of various superstars holding up their championship belts):
SUNDAY NIGHT TEASE
(Fade to a white screen). “Tom Sawyer” by RUSH plays in the background. The picture cuts to several, fast-forwarded clips of notable GDWA superstars. Cut to an interior shot of a modern-looking studio where two announcers sit at opposite ends of a desk with a large screen behind them. One wears a conservative blue suit, the other wears khaki fatigues and a Stetson hat with leopard print.
Owen: Good Evening, wrestling fans! This is the Tease, your one-stop source for GDWA opinions and information! With me is Congo Paul Roberts, your one-stop source for tacky suits and cheap one-liners!
Congo: Can it, microphone jockey, or you’ll be back slinging French fries at the local McDonalds.
Owen: Fans, we’ve got quite a show for you tonight. Many superstars from both the Heavyweight and the cruiserweight divisions are slated to make an appearance. Plus we’ve got another edition of Ma Porter’s Home Kitchen, with Lady Tiger!
Congo: Apparently, stupidity had bridged the generation gap.
Owen: First off, let’s hear from GDWA mainstay, Andrea Chandler.
(Andrea Chandler stands before a backdrop bearing the “GDWA” logo in tall blue letters. She smiles and begins to speak.)
Andrea: Well, it won’t be long before the survivor series matchup between me and Heidi versus Daisy Butterfly and Zaranna takes place, and the more I think about it, the more absolutely *screwed up* this whole arrangement is. To start with, teaming me with *Heidi*?!? What on earth did I do to deserve that hell? Oh, I forget, it’s a kind of punishment for running in on a match or two, and for potentially being behind the injury of poor, dear Daisy. Heidi, you twisted fruit, I repeat: you had better bring your best game to this match. The alternative is the kind of beating that will send you flying back to whatever “extreme” fed spawned you. I am the hands-down best wrestler in Grand Dragon, and I will *not* be made a fool of due to your erraticism.
Daisy Butterfly, you know, I’d like to think that Rekka Sakura is right about you. I’d like to think that you’re just playing everybody, that you don’t mean it when you say that you made a mistake that you went down the wrong path and you’d like to come back. But I know better. Even while you were in the Syndicate, I knew. You tried and tried, but you never really could get that mean streak, that taint of evil necessary to be truly bad. Trust me, I know “bad” intimately, and you weren’t — and aren’t — it. That’s why I took a crowbar and — oh, excuse me, I *might* have taken a crowbar — and smashed your arm with it. It’s called a preemptive strike, Daisy, and I had no idea that it would pay dividends so early. No, I’m afraid that Rekka is wasting her breath — and a lot of it, based on her last appearance — by voicing her suspicions about you. You’re the same old soft-hearted good girl that lived for the cheers and adulation of the masses, and as is the case with any fan favorite, it will be your undoing. You’ll take that heart and determination into our match, and the fans will look on in horror as I fully maim that arm of yours and put you on the shelf for a *very* long while. Then, with a tearful, remorseful Rekka Sakura promising vengeance as she always does, I’ll be well on my way to further glory in Grand Dragon, while you’ll be fortunate to lift a dinner fork. Daisy, my advice to you remains unchanged: since you’ve turned your back on everything that might have made you a success in this company, I recommend you turn your back on wrestling itself and make a graceful exit. Leave while you can. No one will shed a tear if Zaranna is torn up and crushed because of your absence. She doesn’t deserve your help, or sympathy, and she certainly won’t get mine. Make the smart choice, Daisy. Don’t show up. The Diamond Express is chugging along at full steam, and you don’t want to be on the tracks when it arrives.
One development I forgot to comment on last week was the emergence of none other than “Little” Ma Porter, otherwise known as Dina. I’d like to formally welcome you to Grand Dragon! I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to get on too well with your mother, and that’s a shame. While you’re so concerned with not being in her considerable shadow, you’re missing important lessons and experience that only a ring veteran such as she could teach. My suspicion is that “The Showgirl,” Anais Exotica, is going to make an example of you, and that the only reason anyone will be watching will be because Anais is, well, very watchable, if you get my drift. Really, though, this could be the best thing for you! I’ve an idea. After she thoroughly dominates you in the ring, you should let Anais do a makeover for you as well! Granted, it won’t make you a better wrestler, but at least you won’t chase off the viewing public when you come through the curtains. A word of advice, little girl: just because you won a few fights in juvenile hall doesn’t make you a wrestler. It’s fifty times harder than that. There are no guards to break it up when you’re being pummeled, no wardens to complain to, no mercy, no warning. Just a lot of big, mean girls ready to move up the ladder at your expense, for all the world to see. You might have spunk, and determination, and fire — but if that’s all you’ve got, then you’re just like the vast majority of wanna-bes that never make it past try-outs. You’re here on name value right now, love. That won’t get you very far. Do yourself — and your body — a favor, and cut out. If not, then be prepared to suffer at the hands of women who don’t just hurt people for money — they do it because they *like* it. Anais is going to show you that. Wait and see. And Anais, if you *do* perform a successful makeover on the likes of Dina, you’ll have my undying respect.
Oh, and I need to mention something to another competitor here in Grand Dragon, none other than Miss Amanda Reese. Amanda, that’s very interesting company you’re keeping, retaining the services of the incomparable Marissa Monet. But more interesting, I think, is some of the talent you’re training. What was that lovely girl’s name…Faith? Ah, yes, the striking brunette that showed the kind of intensity that I favor in a young wrestler. Amanda, a word of advice: it will be a *crime* if you snuff out her killer instinct. She’s showing that she’s adequately predisposed to dish out the kind of punishment required not only to win in the wrestling world, but also to leave a vivid impression in the minds of those she faces. That tendency should be nourished, allowed to flower. So I’ll tell you what, Amanda. If she proves to be too much trouble for you…send her my way. I’d be more than happy to give her the benefit of my tutelage, and see what develops. I might like the opportunity to impart some of my knowledge to a bright young mind like hers. Give it some thought.
That’s all for now. As always, it’s been your pleasure!
(The view fades….)
Congo: The Diamond Express, with advice for all!
Owen: Some of it bears listening to! Daisy Butterfly can take care of herself, and Amanda Reese will do her own thing, but the Juvenile Delinquent, Dina Porter, may just want to take heed.
Congo: Doubtful. That girl doesn’t care about anything. I like her already!
Owen: Next up is her un-Leick-ly tag team partner.
[A woman’s voice is heard as the camera starts to fade in]
Voice: I’ve asked you before … and I’ll ask you again. Where are your ~Heroes~ Grand Dragon?
[ The camera focuses in at what appears to be an outdoor parking lot, somewhere in NYC ( as you can tell by the skyline )… it’s night time… and the buildings in the background are lit with all the fanfare that makes this city famous, The camera pans down, onto GDWA’s own Heidi Leick…. “Nobody’s Real” by Powerman 5000 plays in the background]
Heidi Leick: You want the answer? [Smiling slyly] The answer… [Giggles] You probably can’t ~handle~ the answer. But you’re going to get it anyway. The answer… is that they just don’t give a damn about ~any~ of you morons.
[ Heidi’s standing there in a black leather MC jacket, skintight leather pants, combat boots, & a Powerman 5000 T Shirt .. she’s got a garbage bag in her left hand & as she flicks back her long blonde hair from her face.. you can see the scar that runs down her face,… and her forehead is bandaged up a bit . ]
HL: They’re out there to sell you crap like this. [Grabs an “Officer Order” shirt out of the bag & shows it to the camera before tossing it to the floor.] And steal your money by getting you to buy shit like this… [Takes out a Black Lotus foam finger, & tosses it over her head] and all this other “garbage”
[ Heidi dumps the bag, where an assortment of novelty things like Rekka Sakura & Jennifer Grier action figures, an Amanda Reese poster , a Lady Tiger stuffed animal, a life-size standup of Anais Exotica , Ma Porter’s Fat Free Ice Cream bars, and some of the other GDWA girls stuff , including a Marissa Monet workout video & calendar ]
HL: I just can’t believe how DUMB you fans are. They’re out to get you fools to spend your hard earned money… waive their stuff around , cheer for them, and then these bimbos leave.. They pay no attention to you. There’s no gratification. I mean, Geez. If you freaks think that anyone here at GDWA actually ~CARES~ about you fans for anything more than your monetary worth and how much of their merchandise you buy, you deserve to be ripped off.
[Heidi looks back at the stuff she’s dumped on the floor… shakes her head, smiling sarcastically… & disbelieving what she’s saying, before looking up and beginning to speak ]
HL: At least MY fans… [Giggles] the ~smart~ ones… [Smiles evilly] They ~know~ I don’t give a rat’s ass about them… I’m straight up with them… they buy my shirts & stuff because they want to give me their money, and I’ll take it gladly… [Looks smugly at the camera] I mean, come on. Did you actually think I bleed all over the place because I care about giving the fans their money’s worth? HA!
[She looks up at an invisible entity and begins to walk, the camera, leading her]
HL: You morons can believe that Double O and the rest of these bimbo’s care about you. You can believe that they wrestle ‘for you’ and that they live to hear you cheer them… but these things that I speak of… they’re all bold faced lies..
[ Heidi stops at the hurricane fence that surrounds the parking lot and grabs it.. looking out towards the city, the camera is facing her back and right side.. giving a great view of her sexy body in those skintight leather pants from behind ]
HL: You know… Wrestling fans… [Laughs evilly, still facing away] It goes kinda ~ Leick ~ this. Whatever motives we have for being in that ring… we’re in it for them money… all of us…You come to the show, believing that we care about you… HA! Fools. Morons. Imbiciles. We like to spend your money… in the restaurants, clubs and bars in the big cities after the shows… And we especially like it when you idiots come up a buy us free food, drinks and give us all these “tokens of your appreciation”… that most of us thrown in the garbage.
[Heidi turns her head and looks into the camera with a deadpan serious look] You think we care when you marks tell us how great we are? No… we KNOW how great we are… you just think we want to be bothered with praise when we’re out trying to live our damn lives…
[Heidi giggles and smiles, sexually… almost evilly]
HL: As for My fans… [She winks] I know who you are by the screams you shout, and letters you send, See… At least I can respect them. They already ~know~ I don’t care about them. [She tilts her head to the side with a psychotic look] They just want to see me try and kill myself with some crazy stunt or get something more extreme every week, in and out. They want to see me make myself or someone bleed. Those sick psychotic bastards [smiles a bit] they’re a breed of their own… and should not be allowed to reproduce.
[Heidi laughs and releases the gate…, leaning her back on it]
HL: Fans… I know you don’t believe me, but even though you don’t trust me know this… I’m telling you the ~truth~[she turns and takes an apple out of her jacket pocket, smiling evilly as she offers it to the camera]
Take a taste from the tree of knowledge… it’s a bitter-sweet treat… bite into it believe me, even though you don’t trust me… and all will be revealed…And then.. Then maybe you’ll believe me… as you taste this… and the truth is revealed [She cups the apple with both hands and looks at it…]
Wrestling Fans… I was you at one time… believing the lies… but my eyes are opened now… and…[Heidi looks down and slumps to a sitting position on the floor, offering the apple above her head] “I feel your pain”
[The scene zooms into the apple, then fades out to the sounds of Powerman 5000’s “Nobody’s Real”] ______________________
Congo: Where can I get one of those Amanda Reese posters?
Owen: I’ve seen you raiding the merchandise department quite a few times now, come to think of it!
Congo: Call it a retirement fund. Heidi Leick’s career is going through the roof, and I want to cash in on it. Rumor even has it that she was offered a contract by a prominent hardcore Men’s federation!
Owen: Wow, was that ECW?
Congo: No, the democratic national party.
Owen: Next up is Jennifer Grier:
[The scene opens up, as hardly anything can be seen. Snow blows past the cameras, as the wind breaks through, cutting out all audio. As the cameras try and make their way through the blizzard, it ducks into an old abandoned warehouse. There’s nothing in this warehouse except for a few boxes, and an old beaten up boxer’s body bag… and one woman. Jennifer Grier. The familiar glare covers her face, as she looks into the camera.]
Grier: What, Rachael? No words of inspiration for the woman that just handed you your ass? Or, you still sleepin’, girl?
[An eerie grin crosses her face.]
Grier: Maybe this time, you’ll listen, instead of getting that glamourous, typical Grand Dragon ‘prima-donna’ attitude. That don’t work around here, if you want to go for a REAL title.
[The anger builds in her face.]
Grier: You happy now, “ICE”? I kicked your ass from post to post, and knocked you flat out, in the middle of the ring. What you got to say for yourself now, “Ms. Number One Seed”? Huh? You lay on your back like your mother taught you, while *I* move on and prepare myself for beating that little bitch, Lida Yanagisawa.
[Jen does a solid roundhouse, slamming against the body bag, making a loud pounding sound in the hollow warehouse. He walks towards the camera slowly as her voice trembles.]
Grier: You’ve got some HUGE ovaries there, bitch. Lida, you think you’re calling *ME* out? You want a piece of me? The Grand Dragon. The ‘classic wrestling league’. Everyone’s so wrapped up in winning this title, and being… funny. Well, *I* ain’t having that. And I sure as hell ain’t going to listen to you flap those waxed lips at me about you being some damn epoch. You think I’m wrapped up in Tiger? You think I’m just now turning… a corner?
[Jen grits her teeth, as her fists clench.]
Grier: I’m going to smash your damn face into that corner, if you ain’t careful, bitch.
[Her eyes are intensified into the camera.]
Grier: This title is mine, you understand that? It should have been mine a long time ago. You don’t know what it’s like to earn nothin’, girl. You want to walk in here, and claim MY title for yourself? You want to sit here, and talk about how Jennifer Grier is a ‘relic of an era gone by’?
[The cameras move to a face-only shot of Grier, the anger turning her face red.]
Grier: This ‘relic’ is going to shove itself straight up your ass, and give you a beating they don’t teach at your little Dojo. You want me, Lida? I’ll see you in the ring, whore.
Owen: Wow! An emotionally charged up Grier!
Congo: I wouldn’t want to be in Rachael Edwards’ shoes. Her pants, on the other hand.
Owen: Focus, Paul. Both Edwards and Lida Yanagisawa got an earful from Grier, but Jennifer better be able to back up her trash talk with action. I have a feeling she will. Now, let’s hear from her rival, Lida Yanagisawa.
Congo: Oh, the humanity! Oh, the Japan-ity!
[We are in the ring, post-workout at Aguila Dojo. Lida stands in the center of the ring, facing the camera with a cruel stare. Kazuhiro Uutyu, the Japanese shoot fighter seen speaking to Aguila Negro in Lida’s last TV appearance, is standing to the left, behind Lida. Almost a half foot taller, taut, lean muscles rippling, he is wears only his black trunks. A towel, wet with sweat, is around his neck. Aguila Negro, about the same size as Uutyu, is to the right, in his classic black lucha mask and a black warm up suit. The camera shot is all the way across the dark room, moving closer as Lida begins.]
Lida: Boys, let’s make this quick… I’m sure the two idiots who host this crap show have probably already said how this is going to be the GDWA’s first match of the year candidate. The Epoch vs the Cherry Blossom. The favorites to win the cruiserweight title face off in a possible preview of the tournament finals. Blah blah blah… I mean really, Rekka has proven nothing to me. I bet Owen Crane could’ve beaten Exotica that night…
In fact, Rekka looks more like an idiot each day. First making kissy kissy with that hood rat Monet, and now whining to anyone who’ll listen. So very hurt about Daisy. I’m sure “YOU DON’T DESERVE MY TRUST!!” brings Daisy’s sorry ass to tears. But Cherry Blossom, who is in every way my inferior… [Smiles and turns to Aguila, who smiles back] brings up a good point for once.
[The camera shot moves to a close up of Lida.]
Look at me, Cherry Blossom. Today I’m in the ring, where I work. Nothing glamorous now. A lot of sweat, a lot of pain. But you and everyone else knows that when I go home from here, I eat from the finest china. I live in the lap of luxury, here in Mexico, back in Japan, and there in the U.S. And I don’t care who I have to hurt to do it. You see, Cherry Blossom, behind every trapping of wealth is… suffering… the only difference is that I don’t pretend to be a nice girl then selfishly hoard the benefits of wealth… I hurt people. I shatter dreams. And I enjoy it.
This ring isn’t unlike the rest of the world. It’s a jungle, Rekka-san…set ablaze by war. You run frantically to save yourself in your day to day grind, mindful of past betrayals like Daisy… and in your terror you can’t see where you’re going. You try to put out the fires which are enveloping you… but it seems to be of no use…
[Lida gives her patented smirk before continuing]
Suddenly, out has jumped a tigress, eyes filled with rage. You’ve been running frantically… and accidently you invaded my den. And now you pay. After watching this match nobody will ever call you a favorite for the cruiserweight title. I see you, Sakura. I will trample you, tear your stinking, burning flesh and rend you limb from limb.
That’s what I do, “Cherry Blossom”. Let’s see what you can do.
[Camera gives a close up to Lida’s eyes, burning with rage.]
[Fade to black.]
Congo: Did you hear that? She called you an idiot!
Owen: I distinctly heard her say “those two idiots”, Paul.
Congo: Yeah she must have been referring to the producer or something. For the record, I think Exotica would have beaten you, Crane!
Owen: Thanks for the vote of support. Fans, we have to take a break, but here’s a commercial for some merchandise I know you’ll enjoy!
(Shot opens in the back of a police car, which is parked in front of a Winchell’s Donut shop. The handheld video camera focus on the two unknown police officers in the front seat. Both are munching on powered donuts and drinking coffee while they talk to the camera man. It looks like an out take from the TV show ‘Cops’.)
Cop #1: So that’s when the Mother-in-law comes out with a broom and starts…
(Just then the radio crackles to life with the static voice of a board woman.)
Radio: 1 – Adam – 23 … 211 In Progress at the Arena … See the woman at the GDWA T-Shirt Stand … Someone has taken their entire shipment of the new Officer Order T- Shits … Handle Code 3 !
Cop #2: Let’s hit it!
(Both cops wolf down their donuts, chug their coffee and then toss the cops out the window in unison. The camera bounces around in the back as they back out at high speed and then hit the street with full lights and sirens. Switch to a close up of the new Officer Order t-shirts against a digitally rendered background of embossed video showing Double O pulling off flashy moves over the course of her carrier. The shirt is a black short sleeve t, with ‘ Got Order? ‘ written across the front is stylized light blue lettering. )
Voice Over: Got Order? … The new Officer Order t-shirts for the New Grand Dragon! Watch Double O in the Double 0 in the comfort of this 100% cotton T … __
(The shirt rotates around so that we can see the back, which show an anime style drawing of Officer Order in her police uniform – tapping her nightstick against her hand while she smiles from beneath her mirrored shades. Written across the bottom of the shirt in red letters is the phrase ‘ Expect to be Punished! ‘)__
Voice Over: It’s the New Shirt for the New Attitude! Order isn’t going to stand by and let the GDWA get dragged down by the Bad Guys. And you shouldn’t miss out on getting Your New Officer Order T-Shirt while supplies last. Just call 1-800-555-GDWA and *Order* yours today!
Owen: Were back on the Tease. Paul, will you be ordering an Officer Order T-shirt?
Congo: Oh, absolutely! I find that regular toilet paper is just too abrasive!
Owen: Sigh let’s hear from Rekka Sakura
[Open camera shot… The customary Interview pit we see at most GDWA events. The GDWD logo spread over a blue banner with a gold dragon. A woman stands here, dressed in blue sweats and her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She stands with her back to the camera as the microphone comes to her mouth. This is Rekka Sakura]
Rekka: [back turned] Focus… I’m trying to make focus a big part of my life these days. Focus… on being the best wrestler I can be. Focus… on wrestling my way through this Cruiserweight tournament and becoming champion. Focus… on being someone everyone can look up to. You see it is important for to zoom in on a goal and focus on it. But my focus is… [Pauses for a moment] lacking lately. You see Daisy I can’t zoom in on things that matter right now. I’ve got May Order to focus on… but there you are crying to the fans for support. I’ve got a little upstart named Lida Yanagisawa, who seems to respect no one, to wrestle this coming week. But I can’t seem to focus on her because you try and play those sympathetic strings, trying to convince everyone you suddenly care about them again.
[Rekka pauses. She turns to face the camera. Her face is a mask of seriousness. There is no humor in her tone of voice and even less so in her stare]
Rekka: I need my focus Daisy. It helps me win… it makes me strong. I watch you suck up to the fans, milking them for sympathy. I scream at myself for letting it get to me. I scream at myself because [juts an angry finger at the camera] YOU KEEP BREAKING MY FOCUS!!
[Rekka closes her eyes and shakes her head slowly. She looks at her protruding finger, curls it up back into her fist. She pauses, staring at her fist. The fist trembles slowly. Rekka clenches her teething frustration]
Rekka: I should just ignore you Daisy. I should just drown you out of my mind when you speak. I’ve got May Order… another of the old guard… waiting to pounce on me. I’ve got Lida… little, little Lida, already looking past me, ready to wear the belt I WILL win through hard work. I can’t deal with you Daisy. I can’t deal with you trying to leech for sympathy. I can’t let my focus be on you… not now… and frankly, never again.
[Rekka takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. the harshness of her gaze softens a smile starting to creep in there]
Rekka: No… Let me toss you aside Daisy… just as you did me once upon a time… and address 2 very special people. First… Little Lida. If you think I sit at home and don’t watch the tease Lida… if you think I don’t listen to you run your mouth about “YOUR EPOCH” then you are wrong. You were stupid to run your insolent tongue about me and not expect me to respond. [Rekka chuckles softly to herself] Then you issue an open contract? Were you surprised when they returned the contract to you with my signature? Tell me Lida… were you expecting that?
[Rekka smiles broadly now… it seems the subject has her in better spirits]
Rekka: I’m not coming to the Catfight looking to show some rookie a lesson though. Oh no Lida, you see you are part of the tournament as well. You are the competition and I need to gauge my competition… especially the competition that I know very little about. You see Lida we wrangled our way into this little “Winner’s Bracket”. You, me, Jen Grier and May Order. May got there by being tough, Jen Grier [winces] got here by being clever. Me, I’m in this little “Winner’s Bracket” for my skill. But when I look at you I sit and wonder “How did Lida Yanagisawa get here?” I sit there for hours and hours trying to put my finger on it. Well today the answer hit me like a fist… Lida Yanigasawa got here by sheer desire. I can respect that believe me I can. But this Tournament needs more than desire to win Lida. You need to have everything that all your opponents have and more. I’m not walking in blind. I won’t walk into a match with Jen Grier thinking I can trust her and I sure as hell won’t walk into a match with May Order trying to go blow for blow. But you Lida… you can test my skill and I can truly test your desire. This isn’t a tournament match Lida but whoever wins this will have the edge over the other mentally when the tournament match comes. This week my focus is you Lida and something tells me that all your desire won’t prevent you from getting burned by the wildfire that pumps in my blood.
[Rekka nods slowly, a thin smile cracking her lips]
Rekka: As for May Order… when the time comes May will you cling to your position desperately? Or will you realize that the time is NOW!! [Spin and slams the flat of her fist against the wall] for the new blood to pass you? I won’t let you stop me from getting to my dream May. You… you’ve already been to the top of that mountain. You got to the peak before May but instead of looking for new mountains to conquer you sat at the top of the mountain and looked down at the rest of us at the bottom!! I have no love for Andrea Chandler but when she asks who was the better world champion I say without hesitation it was HER!! Now you come to this mountain thinking you’ll sit atop it and look down everyone again. Well I won’t let that happen May. I can’t let it happen. You can try and keep the new blood down and try to sit up on your perch again, but this time those below you will be more emphatic to knock you down.
[Rekka stops for a moment and sighs]
Rekka: and as much as I don’t want to come back to this… this week is the Wolves Den. It will be sick comedy to watch them try and survive won’t it Daisy? To try and watch you survive… it is almost cruel. A wounded lamb in a den of wolves…. maybe you have the heart you abandoned so long ago. Maybe you’ll be devoured by those wolves. As for me, I’ll be watching and praying that you all devour one another!!
[Rekka nods slowly, turns to the GDWA logo, bows and leaves]
Owen: Rekka Sakura, waxing philosophical.
Congo: Wax on! Wax off! Rekka is starting to make me sick! Focus. Honor. Ah, shut up and wrestle!
Owen: My word think Rekka’s state of mind will only fuel her competitive spirit.
Owen: Well, to each his own. Fans, we’ve still got Ma Porters segment coming up, but now let’s hear from the woman Ma Porter attacked on the occasion of her return, Zaranna!
(Scene opens up under water. The camera then moves up to the surface as the blonde goddess is seen relaxing with a cherry colored 2 piece tank top. Her head lays back against the edge of the Jacuzzi as the lens focusses on her face. Just before it lowers, she speaks.)
A lot of folks have been running around here screaming WILDFIRE and claiming that the GDWA has changed…that it is new school now……W R O N G .
Big Sammy Mutt is still here…the original Light heavyweight of Grand Dragon Sonya Blade is still here…little Al Bishop is still calling the shots and…
THE GREATEST OF ALL TIMES IS STILL IN THIS TILL I DIE OR ROT IN HELL!
(She leans over to the right and cracks her neck. She calms, suddenly, exposing soft skin along her shoulders and neck.)
If they ask you to run down the list, put all of ’em in order, you have to say…you are compelled to admit that Mrs. D.D.T is your royal highness amongst a whole lot of has beens and wannabees! Take a number, look at the roster, the Z-Blaster is number 1! Not Rekka Sakura not Marissa Money and not Andrea Chandler….the Queen Bee is the top BITCH in this business.
(Zaranna exhales and calls out to someone off camera. She then returns her attention to the camera.)
Heidi Leick, you “Good for Nothing” Bitch, you think for one second that you are worthy of stepping into my ring? You are just like that wildfire flower that blooms too soon in the spring and can’t endure the long–hot–summer! And at the Cow Palace, the old guard is gonna slap your hardcore ass around Fisherman’s Whorf…run you up and down Polk Drive…spin you around Park Boulevard and then plant you in the middle of Center Field at Candlestick Park where I will dedicate my next match to your unborn children and take off your g8ddamn head off with my patented Z-Blaster D.D.T!
(Masculine legs walk by the tub and hand her a refreshment as she sips and grins. Zaranna strokes his thighs as she grins into the camera.)
It’s good to be the Queen….
(She laughs as she places the glass back onto the tray and glares into the camera.)
San Francisco…the home of Rice A Roni, Daisy Butterfly and the 49ers…and you know what?…they all suck, and they all leave a bad taste in my mouth. . . Daisy, you want to play games, you want to make yourself sound mysterious and self-absorbed…you let Andy Chandler break your arm and you don’t know what side of the fence you’re riding?
Well Daisy, I promise you this, and this one thing only…if I get my hands on that “Insignificant Bitch” Andy Chandler…I promise you that the fans will be dancing in the streets, babies will call for momma, and I will lay her down in the middle of the ring for a 3 count.
THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IN FRONT OF YOUR HOMETOWN CROWD IS CARRY YOUR OWN GO8DAMN WEIGHT!
(She stands up and the gentleman towels her off as Zaranna screams into the camera.)
I promise you this Andy Taylor…there will be a free round of D.D.T’s for all of ya! Heidi Leick, I know you’ve been wanting to get your ass kicked ever since you sent Officer Order out of Tacoma in an ambulance….Daisy MacFly, I live by 1 motto: Survive if you can, win if you must, but always-always cheat! You want to play games with the HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, then do so at your own risk!
And Andy! . . . ANDY!. . .
(The gentleman attempts to cover her with the towel as she shrugs him of and exclaims.)
Andy, you “Dumb Bitch”, I swear before every god I believe in, you will not leave the Cow Palace until you and me hook up and settle this thing! SURVIVOR SERIES…the Z-Blaster against the Diamond Express…and I promise, I won’t lay down and die like Order did. Zaranna has been the very best at everything she has done in her life, and on Tuesday night, I will prove to you and the rest of the world why – I – am the GREATEST OF ALL TIMES!
ALL – HAIL – THE – Q U E E N !
(Camera fades to black.)
Owen: What an ego!
Congo: I think I’m in love!
Owen: The Olympian, issuing warnings for Andrea Chandler and Heidi Leick. I really can’t say how either team will co-exist. They both on different pages!
Congo: Hey, we manage, don’t we?
Owen: Barely. Next up is the Millennium girl, Marissa Monet
It is pitch black. The screen is blank. We hear the sound of tape being unwound and wrapped.]
Voice: Are you afraid of the dark?
Voice: Ain’t nuthin’ in the dark that ain’t in the light. If it can kill you it can kill you. Don’t matter. That’s what life is all about. Everything born must die. Be it in the darkness or the light. You step on a night worm and it goes squish. You strangle a bat and it’s dead. It doesn’t matter if it’s a creature of the night or not. (Chuckle) People think the dark is scary? Hell no, it ain’t scary. Check my project stairwells when the lights go out. That’s scary. People don’t go up the steps then. I did. I just went through. Because I had heat on me. I had the shank. Anybody wanted to try to pull a little Tom and Jerry bull[beep] on me and have my knuckles smashed through the ceiling they found themselves gettin’ snatched right out of they [beep]. That’s my word. I put that on my grandmamma. Never, God. Never. So Black Lotus, what do you think you’re going to do to me if the lights go out, huh? What do you think is going to happen? You think you’re just going to go into that ring and handle me like that? Never, bitch. Never. Here’s how it’s gonna go down. You gonna step in that ring. You’re gonna do your little fancy feelin’ up on a sista an’ [beep] and then you gon ask the referee to check me so you can get in your little cheap shot like you always do. But it ain’t gonna do you no good. Cause I won’t let you live off my strength. Never that.
[shrip! shrip! shrip!]
Marissa: You know the mistake you keep making. You know the mistake everybody keep making? You think of me like I’m Medusa. Well, I’m bigger than her. I’m faster than her. I’m smarter than her. I got my size and experience on her. So you can’t even hold me down. You may think you made her tap and finished her career. Ain’t true, duke. Never happened. Never will. An’ I gotcha twice already, God. Twice. You think it ain’t gon be three?
[The lights flash to life and the harsh glare fills the screen. We see Marissa’s taped hands, clasped together before the screen.]
Marissa: (voice preternaturally calm) I don’t rile up, Lotus. This ain’t even personal between me and you like that. This is straight business. I need to kill you. And so I will. That’s all there is to it on the strength. You know that. I know it, too. So you gon walk into that ring and you’ve got to beat me because your rep is through if you don’t. I beat you and you finished. The dark just gets overlooked. And that’s what’s gonna happen, Lotus. My shine is gonna get you. You don’t come to Coney Island with your little nonsense. Are you afraid of the dark? It don’t matter, duke. It don’t matter at all. Let me ask you the question that really really does matter. Are you afraid of dying?
[The camera travels along Marissa’s torso, showing her F.O.A.D. T-shirt and finally settles on her face. The camera moves into a tight close up of her unblinking, staring eyes.]
Marissa: Because I am going to kill you, Lotus. (Smacking her lips) That’s word to everything.
Owen: Marissa Monet is as focused as I’ve ever seen a wrestler. Lotus is going to be in for a long night.
Congo: Yea, well, Lotus can handle Monet. Just you wait.
Owen: Fans, let’s hear from Anais Exotica, who faces The Juvenile Delinquent Dina Porter.
[The camera opens onto a sleek green corvette parked outside a grey, squat building. Next to the corvette is a sign: The Hartley Juvenile Detention Center. On the corvette, sunning herself, is “the Showgirl” Anais Exotica. She’s wearing a white halter top, white knee-length biker shorts, and white shoes. Her long blond hair is up in a pony-tail and sunglasses are perched on her forehead.]
Exotica: Ahh, the fine people who try to correct our wayward youth. I realize you didn’t go here, of course, Ms. Porter. But it must have been something like it. All gloomy and depressing, not enough light, and not enough men. All the other girls taking advantage of cute little Dina, whose mom is big and famous. I bet you still think about it, locked up with some huge bull-dyke, hands grabbing you when lights out hit. Probably still is a part of your dreams.
[Exotica is smiling happily through this, obviously finding it somewhat amusing.]
Exotica: And now poor little Dina is out, and her lasagna-making Mom is all sad because they can’t reconcile over pasta. Will Dina find a path of redemption through cooking like her mother and become a boring has been? Or in this case, a never was? Will Dina continue to wear the ugliest orange jumpsuit in existence? Will Ma Porter, Zaranna, and Lanny Manson get together in the old-age home they were put in and all sew? Tune in next week for another installment of “The Porter Family bores us to tears!” People, if we are GOING to do sports entertainment and family soap operas, do one that doesn’t suck!
[Exotica’s face grows a trifle more serious.]
Exotica: Dina, you think you get to walk in here because your mom has name recognition? You think Ma Porter pulls some strings and you’re in the cruiserweight tournament all of a sudden? Some of us WORK at this, Dina. Some of us have to pay our dues. And we don’t like silver-platter mama’s girls like you.
[Exotica grins girlishly again.]
Exotica: And that’s why you don’t get a makeover. Sure, there’s all kinds of things I can do with someone who dresses as ugly as you do, but it isn’t worth it. You’re a never-will-be who shouldn’t be lacing up her boots in this fed, and aren’t worth the time and trouble.
[Exotica slowly pulls the shades down over her eyes.]
Exotica: We’re at the Great Western Forum, baby. We’re in Hollywood country. It’s all about showbiz out here, and I am the Showgirl, Dina. Don’t expect to share my spotlight.
[Exotica takes on a sing-song voice and flips a quarter she had in her hand at the camera.]
Exotica: Little Miss Porter/ Here is a Quarter/ Go Buy Yourself a Clue/
I’ll flip ya and trip ya/ Hell I’ll downright strip ya/ And beat you black and blue.
[Exotica tilts the shades down a bit to get a look at the camera.]
Exotica: Time of your life, baby.
[Fade to black.]
Owen: Exotica and Porter will really mix it up out there. Anais is a superb athlete. But a lousy poet….
Congo: Porter lost to Double O in her debut, but there were a lot of extenuating circumstances. She’s pretty green right now, but you’ll see this girl improve by leaps and bounds, mark my words.
Owen: No doubt she’s got toughness in her genetic make-up. Speaking of which, it’s now my distinct pleasure to throw the show to the other side of the set, where the legendary Ma Porter is scheduled to interview the insanely popular Lady Tiger! Take it away, Ma
Big Ma Porter
(The familiar opening lines of that’s Amore, by Dean Martin play as the scene switches to the kitchen-set that has been seen in previous weeks. A closed door separates the kitchen from the other section of GDWA studios. This time, Ma is sitting at the kitchen table. A tray of pasta is on the table. Ma looks around nervously as the music dies down)
Ma: Bonjourno, bonjourno! Its-a me, everybody’s favorite Ma, here once again to bring you a little information, a little entertainment, and a lot of cannoli! I have a great guest lined up this week, the one and only. Lady Tiger! (Chuckles to herself) I’ve also got ice cream in the freezer, but she can only have some if she finishes her pasta. Hey, Tigers a growing girl! And so thin! She needs a few square meals, that’s what I think.
Before she gets here, though, I have a few words for my daught (pause) for Dina. Dina, I tried to mend fences. I tried to prevent you from making the same mistakes I made. And you stabbed me right in the heart. Your own mother! That’s fine good luck to you in the GDWA, cause you’ll need it. As of right now, I want nothing more to do with you. You’re not my daughter anymore!
(Long pause; Ma turns away from the camera it’s hard to tell from the angle, but it looks like she wipes away a tear)
Enough dirty laundry! GDWA fans, my guest tonight is one of the most exciting GDWA superstars that I’ve ever seen. She and I have had our differences. She knocked me down once, and would not stop bragging about it. Of course, Ma Porter told the world that she would destroy Lady Tiger if she ever got the chance, but deep down, I knew this kid had something. I don’t know, call it moxie.
(A doorbell rings)
Ma: Ah, that’ll be her now. (Walks over to the door) Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce my new friend, Lady Tiger!
(Ma opens the door with a dramatic gesture, but her face quickly turns into one of horror. Standing in the doorway is none other than Dina Porter, wearing her orange jumpsuit, her eyes burning a hole through Ma Porter. In her hand, she carries The Club Anti-Car theft device)
Dina quickly shoves The Club into Mas midsection. Ma doubles over in pain. Offstage, a crashing sound is heard, and Bishops voice yells “Call Security, now!” Meanwhile, Dina cracks The Club over Mas back, laying her flat. Ma is groaning on the floor of her kitchen, trying to protect her head. Dina lays into Ma in earnest, repeatedly clubbing her about the head even as Ma tries to protect herself. As she does this, Dina screams “How ya like that, Ma? That make you proud, huh? What a good girl! (Each word punctuated by a blow from the Club)
Owen Crane runs from his section of the studio through the open door, and tries to approach Dina
Owen: Just calm down. Just calm down.
Dina just stares daggers at Owen, and, like lightning, springs from Mas prone body onto him. Dina fells him with one blow to the head, and laughs. Owen clutches his head and moans.
She then proceeds to trash the set. With an angry look on her face, she smashes all the pasta jars, windows, and the flimsy kitchen table. From one of the walls, she snatches a sign reading “Mas Home Kitchen”. She stares at this sign for a while, and then looks up at the camera focused squarely on her. With the sing in one hand and the Club in the other, she approaches the camera, stepping over Mas writhing body.
Dina: So, mommy’s dirty little secret finally speaks! Every so-called adult in this fed kept trying to keep me off the air. So I decided to make my point the only way I know how. Mommy Dearest thought she could educate me. I hope she’s learned her own lesson now. I grew up in Juvie Hall, fending for myself. And now, this pathetic excuse for a parent (points to Ma) gets it into her head to help me, after 18 years of neglect! Not one letter! Not one phone call! Not one visit!!!!
(Smashes the Mas Home Kitchen sign on the ground)
Dina: Dina Porter is her own woman. The rest of the dinosaurs around here are gonna fin learn that I run the show. That’s the only life I know, protecting what’s mine. People see me, and say “Oh, she’s no wrestler”. And know what? There right! That’s why I’m the most dangerous person this fed will ever see. While the rest of you bitches worry about winning belts, getting over, merchandising, I’ll be breaking heads. Be warned. (Points to The Club she holds in her left hand) This damn thing is what got me busted for grand theft auto. Now I’m using it to bust some heads.
Officer Order, I had to deal with cops every day of my life. Dreaming about revenge was the only thing that got me through the long days. You ain’t heard the last of me! Anais Exotica, you go leading the life of a half-whore, half-wrestler. I don’t give a crap. I ain’t looking to score a pinfall over you, I am planning to kill you. No exaggeration, your life is in danger. I ain’t got nuthin left to lose, and when you corner a vicious animal with nothing to lose, you can bet your damn life, Ill scratch your eyes out.
As of right now, let me say one thing, cause it may be a while before you can hear from me again. I will do what I want, when I want, where I want, as it pertains to the GDWA. I just don’t care no more. There ain’t nuthin more that can be done to me. If anyone thinks they can stop me, they better start planning their funerals now.
(Walks toward the camera, and takes careful aim. Dina rears back with the Club and smashes the camera. Fade to static)