Teams of four strive to survive in this single elimination 4-person team tournament.
(From a black television screen chainsaw the opening chords of Iron Maiden’s “Two Minutes to Midnight”, assaulting the senses with a blend of anger and volume. A few seconds later, a logo appears:)
THE INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING FEDERATION
(The music and logo fade, to show Jessie James, flanked by her partners Bob Brodsky and Chad Romero, all holding microphones. Behind them is a noisy, fan-packed basketball court, with distinctive black and blue decoration spaced appropriately. The court has been converted to accomodate a wrestling ring.)
Jessie: Hello, everybody! Welcome to the very first broadcast of the Internet Championship Wrestling Federation, coming to you LIVE from the O-rena here in Orlando, Florida! Tonight we’re pulling out all the stops, as our inaugural card will determine the holders of every major championship belt the ICWF has! Joining me to call the action are my esteemed colleagues, Bob Brodsky and Chad Romero! Bob, can you give us a little background on Crazy Eights?
Bob: With pleasure, Jess. The action will consist of eight eight-man–and woman, of course–battle royals, to decide the competitors for the ninth battle royal of the evening. The winner of that receives the coveted ICWF championship, with the remaining belts going to the people last eliminated.
Jessie: That’s bound to be tough on the wrestlers in that final match.
Bob: True, but if I learned anything from my two years as a linebacker with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers from ’83 to ’85, it was that the important matchups are won by the people who want it most. Believe me, I’ve been down in the trenches and know what I’m talking about.
Jessie: And Chad “Romeo” Romero is here to fill us in on the aftermath of the tournament. Tonight will also determine the rankings, correct?
Chad: You got that right, sweetcheeks. After the major belts are awarded, the committee ranks the wrestlers based on the order of elimination from their battle royal. Each battle royal gets precedence based on the performance of its winner. And y’know, it’s a good thing we’re broadcasting from Orlando, they could probably stand to see some winners for a change.
Bob: Hey, now! This is a quality franchise and a great city! They made it to the championship, didn’t they?
Chad: Yeah, but just like Caray Zents says, “Second place is still first LOSER,” Brodsky!
Bob: (Turns red-faced and acts as if he’s having trouble containing himself. Chad seems unfazed, rolls his eyes behind his trademark sunglasses.) You make me SICK, Romero!
Chad: Save it for the marks, Brodsky. I ain’t impressed.
Jessie: (Puts a hand on Bob’s shoulder.) Easy now! Let’s let our grapplers do the fighting tonight, okay? (Turns to back to the viewer.) Now we’ve got some clips to show you of our wrestlers as they head into Crazy Eights.
(Scene is an oak-panelled room. Expensive pictures are on the wall. Camera moves in on a woman seated in a leather chair, a glass of Champagne in her hand. She’s wearing a mask across her eyes, a white silk blouse and black skirt.)
Woman: Oh, there you are. You’re late. [off-camera male voice apologizes]. Never mind. Let’s get on with it.
Looks at camera] I am the Python Princess. I have wearied of defeating the unworthy wrestlers in the Southwest area of these colonies, and have decided to grace the Internet Championship Wrestling Federation with my presence. Anyone who opposes me does so at their peril. I hereby serve notice on all competitors in the ICWF, the Python Princess is here, and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants. [sips her Champagne] Now go away before I become annoyed. [off camera voice: “Thank you”: It was your pleasure.
(Scene is the desert. There are a few cacti and tumbleweeds, otherwise just rocks and sand. Camera focuses on a woman in a snakeskin bikini, cowboy hat and snakeskin cowboy boots, holding a sack. She’s closing in on a rattlesnake. Rattlesnake is rattling, appears ready to strike.)
Woman: Easy there, baby, I’m not gonna hurt you… [grabs snake behind head with a lightning fast strike, slips it into bag. She looks up]. Well, that’s enough for today. [Takes off hat, revealing blonde hair] Howdy. My name’s Jennifer Sanders. Some folks know me as Sidewinder.
I’m coming to the ICWF ’cause I’ve busted up everybody around these parts and I’m lookin’ for more people to hurt. ‘Specially the pretty boys. I love to mess up the pretty boys. [Walks over to a big Harley, gets on and slings the sack across the saddle in front of her] So, tell them fellas in the ICWF to watch out, Sidewinder’s comin’. [starts the bike with a roar]. I love the feeling of power between my legs. [Takes off in a cloud of dust and sand].
(Scene is a waiting room. Secretary seated at large desk picks up the phone, says “Yes Ma’am” and tells camerman/interviewer “Ms. Lancaster will see you now.”
Go through door to a plush private office. There’s a brunette woman wearing glasses working on a portable computer)
Interviewer> Ms. Lancaster?
Woman> I’m Penny Lancaster. Just a moment. [finishes something on the computer, closes it.] Please make this brief, I’m a busy woman.
Interviewer> There’s a rumor that you’re bringing two wrestlers into the Internet Championship Wrestling Federation.
Penny> That is correct.
Interviewer> What can you tell me about them?
Penny> [presses intercom] Janice, please have Ms. McGee and Ms. Andrews come in here.
(Two women enter. One is an elegant blonde wearing a red silk blouse trimmed in lace and a white skirt. The other woman is also blonde, but she’s over six feet tall and muscular-looking, wearing a leather jacket and blue jeans)
Penny> This is Molly “Leather” McGee and Sandra “Lace” Andrews. They are going to be the tag team champions of the ICWF. As you can plainly see, Molly is a real powerhouse. There are very few men or women who can match her strength. She’s from New York City. Sandra is a former circus aerialist. She is equally at home on the ground or in the air. Sandra is from Boston. Their unique combination of power and high-flying ability, as well as my managerial expertise, will take the ICWF by storm. [looks at her watch] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a board meeting to attend.
(interviewer/camerman ushered out, door closes).
(The screen is totally black, with low, ominous music playing in the background.)
Whispered voice: Greetings, children.
A blue light slowly begins to rise. From the shoulders up appears a man in a black cowl and robes, standing before a large, open book. Mist floats by as he focuses his gaze on the viewer.
Man: My name is the Soultaker, and I bid thee welcome. My mission in here in the Internet Championship Wrestling Federation is not about winning titles, or collecting trophies of a mortal sort. Rather, my purpose is to gain thine most precious aspect–thy soul itself. As I defeat thee, I shall transcribe thy names in my Tome of Darkness, and I shall have that most dear to you.
(The camera closes in, and his voice becomes a whisper once more.)
Soultaker: Guard thy soul, for I intend to have it, err long.
(The screen fades to black, then the following appears:)
(Scene: A burned out, abandoned section of an unidentifiable city. In the twilight, three figures are barely visible. They seem to be dodging and weaving around destroyed cars. As the camera pans, it rests upon a fourth figure, much closer. He is dressed in combat fatigues and carries a loud horn, through which he is barking orders.)
Man: Move it! Move it! Move it! This ain’t a picnic, this ain’t a vacation. MOVE IT! (He turns toward the camera) My name is Commando McKillen. The people you see behind me are the Milita, the group I represent in the ICWF. They are now training for the hardest task of their lives; bringing law and order to the ICWF.
(As Commando speaks, the three shapes approach and become visible. Two of them are women, and the other is a large, bearded man. All three look tired but triumphant.)
Commando: How do you feel, Justice? Ready to quit? (The black woman smiles at the camera.)
Justice: No way, Commando. Fair warning to all the rulebreakers in the ICWF; you can’t out run me, you can’t out fight me, and you can’t escape me. Once I read you the Miranda, it’s lights out on another scumball.
Commando: How ’bout you, Angel? (The other woman pauses her punching pratice to answer.)
Angel: Bring ’em on, C-man. Let’s start with that Jennifer Sanders. Hey, Sidewind-up, let’s see if you’ve got what it really take to survive here in the ICWF. We’ll see how tough you are after The Stun-Gun.
Commando: You’re lookin’ a little week, Paladin. You think you’re ready?
Paladin: (in a thick, scottish accent) I’ve traveled the world lookin fer competition, and I’m not gonna back off now! Soultaker, ya black devil, let’s see how tough ye are against a burly scot! Right me name down in any book ya like; it willna scare me!
Commando: (Looking with pride over his team)Alright, back to work, you lazy maggots! Move it! Move it! (The three wrestlers again start running, the Commando behind them yelling through the bullhorn.)
Elena Quartermain: (The scene opens with an exterior view of a delicately-groomed Tudor-style mansion, the white stucco offset by the green of creeping ivy. The hedges have been sculpted to resemble a variety of wildlife. This fades, and appearing is a beautiful blonde woman in a high-backed leather chair, reading a bound volume. She’s wearing kakhi-colored short-shorts, a matching, sleeveless half-top, and color-matched kneepads and kneeboots. A pith helmet hangs on a nearby rack, beside which is a high-powered rifle. The study around her is lined with classic literary works, the shelves situated against mahogany-paneled walls. The woman closes the book, and the viewer can see that it’s entitled “King Solomon’s Mines”, by H. R. Haggard.
Woman: Good day. (Her accent is distinctly British.) My name is Elena Quartermain, and I’d like to tell you a little about myself and my intentions. Being wealthy, I’ve had the luxury of choosing recreational pursuits that others only dream of, and I’ve found that being a huntress is distinctly satisfying.
(Elena rises, and begins walking through the study, bringing the viewer to a wall of stuffed heads: lions, tigers, and other exotic beasts adorn the space).
Elena: As you can see, I’ve experienced great success on my safaris. Having done so, I’ve decided that my latest safari will take place in the Internet Championship Wrestling Federation.
(She moves further to the right, and the heads on the wall are distinctly human. They are all recognizable as members of the ICWF–Arlechino, the Vision in Violet, Soultaker, Justice, to name a few.)
Elena: So be warned: Elena Quartermain is coming, and I’ll have YOUR head as a trophy before it’s over. (Fades out.)
(Rob Foster and the Masked Marauder are standing in front of a backdrop with the ICWF logo. They look directly into the camera, and their expressions are very intent, determined, those of barely-contained rage.)
FOSTER: Okay people, I’m going to keep this short and simple, so that you idiots out there can understand me. I’ve come to the ICWF for one reason, and one reason only. And that’s to be the ICWF World Champion. And I don’t care WHO I have to go through, or WHAT I have to do to win that belt, but believe me, it will…be…mine! And if I can’t pull it off, my main man, the Masked Marauder, will! Tell `em!
(Marauder, points his finger, looking very big and menacing.)
MARAUDER: Ya know, there are two things that I really like to do: beat people up, and win championships. And at Crazy 8’s, I get to do both! (Grins and looks at Rob.) Ain’t life great?
(No backdrop this time. The Body Girls are in the gym, lifting A LOT of weight. Upon seeing the camera, Brandi and Randi both smile and put the bars down with a loud KLANK!.)
BRANDI: Hello, all you worthless couch potatoes! My name is Brandi…
RANDI: And I’m Randi. We’re the Body Girls, two perfect examples of the ultimate human body!
BRANDI: And we’re in the ICWF to show all those out-of-shape wrestlers what a REAL wrestler should look like!
RANDI: Skills, strength, beauty…we have it all!
BRANDI: And pretty soon, we’ll have ALL the ICWF belts as well!
RANDI: Look out, ICWF! We’re going for the burn–on YOU!
Jessie: And continuing with our profiles, here’s a montage of Fury, comprised of Caray and Stewart Zents, and the Roundhouse, featuring Crystal “The Crippler” Lewis and “Marvelous” Micki Duran. They prefer their moves to do the talking!
(Appearing is a random collage of the S1W’s performing their various specialties and finishers with the song, “Welcome to the Terrordome” by Public Enemy playing in the background. This lasts about a thirty seconds, then Jessie reappears.)
Jessie: Now that we’ve visited with these ICWF competitors, we now bring you to a segment that promises a mixture of journalism, analysis, and profiles of current competitors. It’s unique, it’s interesting, and it’s brought to you by the one and only Janet Northstar. Take it, Janet!
GUIDE TO THE ICWF GALAXY with J A N E T N O R T H S T A R
(The camera opens on a woman wearing a rather strange dress. It is in the style of a classic prom dress, the colors of a tie-dye, and geometric patterning. She is holding a microphone, and begins to speak in a surprisingly normal voice.)
Janet: Elloiminakapeesey, and welcome to the first edition of Janet Northstar’s Guide to the ICWF Galaxy. I am Janet Northstar, the Galaxy Girl, here from Cassiopeia Beta 4 to tell you all about what’s going on in the ICWF. Today I’m in the tiny town of LaVergne, Tennessee, to visit the Vision in Violet, Nancy James.
(She hops in her car with a camerawoman following, and drives down Nashville Highway until she sees a large purple building on her right.)
Ah… Visions of Fitness… this is probably the place.
(Janet parks, goes in, and finds the desk.)
Janet: Hello ma’am, I’m here to see a Miss Nancy James.
Receptionist: I’ll call her out.
(She presses a button, and a brunette in a purple bikini emerges from the nearby office.)
VnV: Ah, you must be Janet Northstar… you’re just in time for my class… oh, wait, you’re not dressed to…
(At this, Janet begins removing her dress, eliciting a gasp of horror from the receptionist–luckily, she has a leotard in the same pattern on underneath.)
VnV: Well, in that case, let’s go!
(They head back. We see a few shots from the class, and it appears than the Vision’s exuberance borders on the hyperactive. A bit later, at the juice bar…)
Janet: Wow! Someone who can keep that pace up for an hour shouldn’t have any trouble with long wrestling matches.
VnV: Of course not! That’s why I like this battle royal setup so much.
Janet: Your preliminary opponents are Jennifer Simmons, Micki Duran, Arlechino, Kevin Taylor, White Lightning, Achmet, and Fireman Frank. Any comments on these people?
VnV: Well, I’ve seen some tapes of Kevin Taylor, and it looks like he’s a pretty good wrestler, but anyone who’d go out with Ms. Manners…. Micki Duran, let’s just say *I’m* calling you one! Arlechino seems nice enough, but hopelessly unstable. Jennifer Sanders? Let me put it this way, I’ve dealt with Striker enough to know what to do with a Sidewinder. White Lightning? Never heard of him either. Fireman Frank… might have had a shot in a ladder-match tournament, but as that’s not what will be wrestled, don’t count on seeing him in the finals. Achmet? How’d he even get in the country?? Oh- -see the woman leading the class in there now? That’s my partner, Kelly Kandelski. We were going to call ourselves the Avengers, but a couple of losers got that name already, so we’re going by Hearts and Flowers.
Janet: A highly untraditional name. I like that!
(The camera cuts back to the aerobics room. In contrast to the VnV’s high-energy style, Kelly’s moves are demanding but precise and controlled.)
VnV: That reminds me. Kelly and I are going out for fish after her class is over; would you like to join us?
Janet: OK! That’ll give me a chance to get her opinions too.
(The camera then shows the Vision driving Kelly and Janet into town.)
Janet: I’d like to hear what you think of your opponents in the upcoming battle royal. First, we have Lace, from Leather and Lace.
Kelly: She could put up a decent fight.
Janet: What about Stewart Zents, and this Assassin guy?
Kelly: Ooh, those are NOT nice people! They are going out HARD!
Janet: Andy Boyd? Joe Blackmoon?
Kelly: Joe Blackmoon? Oh great… Kalana can’t get me in Canada, so she sends her goons here! This Boyd character really needs more experience before he tries something this tough.
Janet: Then there’s Justice and Edsel.
Kelly: If I don’t win this one, Justice probably will. Edsel? Where do they come up with these names!?
(They pull up at L&N Seafood at Hickory Hollow, and two cat-suited ladies are handing out menus. Janet immediately appears to recognize them.)
Janet: Penny? Belle? What are you two doing here?!?
Belle: Well, we’ve been looking for some extra money, and this offer came up. Who better than a cat to know where you can get good seafood?
(Suddenly, a man walks up behind the calico and pinches her. He soon finds himself on the concrete…)
Penny: Do that again and you’ll be eatin’ that hand!
Belle: Calm down there, Penny. Now, what brings y’all here?
Janet: I’m reporting on the upcoming battle-royal tournament in the ICWF. Here’s who you two will be up against in the prelims.
(Penny examines the notecard Belle hands her.)
Penny: Hmm. Python Princess? You lowdown snakes may be sneaky, but I’ve seen more snakes dead to cats than to people, so fair warnin’! Crystal Lewis, I think you’re the one who’ll be checkin’ in to the hospital if you pull any fast ones on me! Paladin, you’re a man after my own heart–fair when you can, wild when you need! The rest ain’t got a chance… camshaft? They expect us to fight a guy named camshaft? What kind of freakin’ league is this?
Janet: Trust me, it gets worse.
Belle: Leather? Sure doesn’t sound like a woman… and Adonis? I’d say he’s stuck on himself, wouldn’t you? Angel… her too, but she doesn’t seem quite as bad as Adonis! Randy Savant… a REAL savant would know better than to mess with the wuality in this league. The rest seem pretty harmless… except for HIM! If they gave a belt for loudmouths, he’d be the champ!
Janet: Who’s him?
Belle: This Caray Zents.
Janet: I see.
(Later in the evening, back on her spaceship.) Earlier today, you saw previews of four of our pools. Let’s now take a look at the rest.
Pool 5 doesn’t look too difficult. I’ll pick the Lethal Librarian’s knowledge to give her the edge over Soultaker’s raw power.
Pool 6 is even worse! Most of these wrestlers could use some serious help from my pick, Dr. Judith Joyce.
Pool 7 looks a bit tougher. Victoria the Amazon could do it, but I think Elena Quartermain will just get her out at the finish.
Pool 8, the Spanish Fly, Marissa Espinosa, looks just a bit too well suited to the battle-royal form to lose this one.
And that’s all for this week. Bye now!
JESSIE: It looks like we’re ready to kick things off, so let’s turn it over to Michael Duffer for the introductions of our first eight competitors!
DUFFER: Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemen! Let’s get ready to WREEEEEEEEEEESTLE! Currently in the ring are the eight participants for tonight’s first battle royal! From Des Moines, Iowa, at 254 pounds, Fireman Frank! From Tehran, Iran, weighing in at 261 pounds, Achmet! At a weight of 247 pounds, from Parts Unknown, White Lightning! From Richter City, Florida, at 243 pounds, Kevin Taylor! From Brooklyn, New York, weighing 241 pounds, Arlechino! At 126 pounds, “Magnificent” Micki Duran! From Arizona, weighing 185 pounds, Jennifer “Sidewinder” Sanders! And at 142 pounds, hailing from Knoxville, Tennessee, “Vision in Violet” Nancy James!
BOB: Jess, it looks like we’re going to start things off with a bang tonight! Duran, James, Arlechino and Sanders are four of the biggest names in the sport today, and Kevin Taylor is a youngster who has shown a lot of potential! And you certainly can’t dismiss Fireman Frank or White Lightning!
CHAD: But you can certainly try!
JESSIE: The bell sounds, and Crazy 8’s is under way! White Lightning already in trouble, as Micki Duran tries to ground the high flyer. Kevin Taylor nails the Fireman with a dropkick! Taylor picks up the stunned man and tosses him out! Our first elimination of the evening!
CHAD: So much for the Protector!
JESSIE: Taylor doesn’t have long to celebrate, though, as Jennifer Sanders nails him with a low blow!
BOB: I like the kid, but in a match like this he needs to concentrate on the action around him. The Sidewinder is a wily competitor who picks her spots perfectly.
JESSIE: Nancy James with a kick to the midsection of Micki Duran! James whips Duran into the ropes, goes for the dropkick, and misses it as Duran holds onto the ropes! Duran with a big legdrop to James!
CHAD: Magnificent Micki is just too smart for the Vision in Violet! What can you say, Duran has held more belts than Brodsky has brain cells!
BOB: Don’t start Romero!!
JESSIE: A four-time MWA World Champion, five-time MWA World Tag champion. Duran might have to be considered the favorite in this match. But James has always been a top contender in every fed she’s entered. Taylor goes for a flying bodypress on Duran and misses! Duran is up quickly and comes off the ropes with a legdrop!
BOB: Taylor’s inexperience showing once again. But mark my words, that kid’s going to have some gold around his waist one day!
JESSIE: Duran now joins Achmet in a double-team effort on Arlechino, while Taylor and James work on the Sidewinder.
CHAD: Where is White Lightning? Did the coward bail out already?
JESSIE: No, he’s in the corner recovering from the beating that Sanders administered to him earlier. Now he joins the attack on the Sidewinder!
BOB: The snake is history!
JESSIE: I think that’s a little premature, Bob. Sanders doing a good job of holding off her attackers. Now Arlechino joins the fray!
CHAD: Why is everyone picking on the Sidewinder? They should know, you play with a snake, you’re going to get bit!
JESSIE: Micki Duran has pulled Nancy James out of the group attacking Sidewinder, and the two favorites are at it again!
BOB: I’d love to see those two go at it in single competition! We’re talking match of the century!
JESSIE: Taylor and Arlechino now working over Achmet, and Sanders gets a chance to catch her breath. No, she goes after Nancy James instead! Micki Duran sends White Lightning down to the canvas with a shoulder! She picks him up and throws him out!
CHAD: Sidewinder took a lot of the fight out of the masked moron earlier in the match, making him easy pickin’s for the Magnificent One!
JESSIE: Duran now going after Kevin Taylor! A shoulder tackle and he’s down! An elbow drop! She picks him up! Full press!
CHAD: Looks like your wonder boy is about to hit the showers, Brodsky!
JESSIE: Duran tries to get Taylor over the top rope, but the youngster blocks it! And now he fights back against the veteran!
BOB: Don’t count him out yet! This kid has an excellent amateur background!
JESSIE: Achmet bodyslams Arlechino and Sidewinder drops an elbow on the prone grappler! Achmet taunts Arlechino, comes off the ropes, and misses the flying bodypress!
BOB: Big mistake by Achmet!
JESSIE: Arlechino is up and Achmet is outta there! Nancy James with Sidewinder up in the lights! Down goes Sanders, and Arlechino is there for the elimination!
BOB: NOW the snake is history!
CHAD: I’d be careful, Brodsky, or you may find a rattler under your blankets tonight!
JESSIE: Taylor scoops up Duran, backbreaker! He picks her back up, and HE excutes a fullpress!
CHAD: Unbelievable! I didn’t know the punk had that kind of strength!
JESSIE: He can’t get her over the top rope though! Nancy James and Arlechino break up their own duel to make it a 3-on-1 against Duran!
CHAD: That’s not fair! They can’t gang up on a former world’s champion like that! It’s in the ICWF rules, isn’t it?
BOB: Maybe in YOUR version of the rules, Romero!
JESSIE: Taylor with a gutwrench salto on Duran, and Arlechino sends her up and over! Now Taylor and James go to work on Arlechino! CHAD: If he were smart, he would brought Columbina to the ring and whacked both of them!
BOB: Arlechino doesn’t need to stoop to such low tactics to win matches, Romero, unlike anyone YOU would be associated with!
JESSIE: Arlechino lays out James with a clothesline, but a forearm from Taylor sends Arlechino to his knees!
CHAD: And that idiot Taylor tries to throw James out! She was helping him!
JESSIE: Now Taylor is the one being teamed up on! Arlechino with The Punchline! James tosses the youngster out, and we’re down to the final two!
BOB: A good showing by Taylor in his first match, you’ll be hearing a lot more from the kid.
JESSIE: Arlechino with the clothesline on James, but she’s right back up and nails him with one of her own! She sets him up for the Leap of Faith!
CHAD: The clown is dead meat!
JESSIE: She hits it! And out he goes! “Vision in Violet” Nancy James is our first winner of the evening! Danny Lopez is there as she exits the ring!
Danny Lopez: Vision in Violet, that was a great performance! You’re gonna go down in the record books as the very first winner of the very first battle royal in ICWF history! How does that make you feel!
ViV: (Sweating, but not too tired…) Pretty good, actually. Those people weren’t bad, but I was the best of the batch, as I just proved.
Danny Lopez: These fans love it! You’re obviously popular. Is there anything you’d like to say to them?
ViV: Keep the faith, folks. Keep the faith.
Danny Lopez: What now? Are you gonna win it all?
ViV: The final won’t be as easy as that last batch, but if I can keep up the intensity, I’m optimistic.
Danny Lopez: Ho-kay, guys, that’ll do it! Back to you, Jess!
Jessie: What a match! And Nancy James advances to the final dance! Now that the ring is clear, it’s time for our second event of the evening! Take it away, Michael!
Michael Duffer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the competitors for this evening’s second battle royal. Let’s get ready toGRAAAAAPPLLLLLLLLLLLE!!! At 157 pounds, please welcome…Penny Anydots! A former EWCW champion, accompanied by her manager, “Prince” Percival DeGage…Python Princess! One-half of the Roundhouse, at 117 pounds…Crystal Lewis! Hailing from Edinburgh, Scotland, at 310 pounds…Paladin! In the red and yellow, from Venice Beach California, weighing 274 pounds…the one and only “Bulk” Hogan! Appearing from Mount Olympus, at 255 pounds, the God of the Sun…Apollo! A two-sport superstar, hailing from Indianapolis, Indiana…at 243 pounds…Cam Shaft! And finally, coming to us from the 14th precinct, part of the “civil servants” tag team…Policeman Pete!
Jessie: Well, the bell hasn’t even rung yet, but look at Crystal Lewis jump right on the Python Princess! Penny Anydots right over to Policeman Pete; Paladin and Apollo all over Cam Shaft; Bulk Hogan taking a breather, it looks like…
Chad: That’s just like Hogan…what a woos.
Bob: Nobody in the ICWF is a woos, Chadby…these are high caliber ath-a-leetes and the best wrestlers in the world. They remind me of Tampa Bay back in nineteen…
Jessie: Hey, take a look at that! Penny Anydots just fired Policeman Pete over the top rope! We’re not even twenty seconds into the match!
Bob: That’s what I’m talking about…QUALITY ath-a-leetes…
Chad: Hogan just jumped Crystal Lewis! The Crippler looks like she’s in pain. He’s only got, what? Almost two hundred pounds on her? That’s just like Hogan. He’s a bum, I tell ya’…a bum!
Bob: But Crystal’s back on her feet…that’s one tough woman!
Jessie] Lewis and Hogan going at it…Apollo switching over to Penny Anydots…Python and the Paladin…Cam Shaft is laying on the ground…he’s really hurt.
Chad: WOW! Did you see that?! Crystal Lewis just took Hogan’s HEAD off with that superkick!
Bob: Don’t tell me this little lady’s gonna take out Hogan…
Jessie: She’s whips Hogan to the ropes…OH MY! She just did a full front flip and landed with both feet in the face of Bulk! He’s out like a light!
Bob: Penny just went over the top, but held on and is back in there. She’s a QUALITY ath-a-leete!
Chad: And you’re a moron, Bob. Hogan whipped to the ropes by Paladin…where did he come from?
Jessie] Crystal’s on the top rope…OH MY WORD! She just Frankensteinered Hogan from the top buckle over the top rope! Hogan is out! We’re at the five minute mark.
Chad: Anydots just slammed Apollo…she’s got some strength, huh?
Bob: For once, Chadby, you made sense…Penny is a…
Chad: I know…quality athlete…
Jessie: Paladin just threw out Apollo! Boy is he an opportunist in there! Now he and Penny turn on the Python Princess…Lewis looking at Cam Shaft…he hasn’t moved in two minutes…they should probably get a paramedic down there and get him out…
Bob: Look at that arrogant Crystal Lewis, just sitting there on the top rope like a spectator!
Jessie: Fireman’s carry takeover by Penny on the Python…BOOM! Paladin hits Python with the Charger!
Chad: Look at Penny Anydots take her time lifting the Princess over her head…
Bob: Uh-oh! Watch Lewis! She’s standing on the top rope!
Jessie: She just NAILED the Paladin with a flying clothesline off the top! Oops! There goes the Python Princess! We’re at the nine minute mark here!
Bob: Penny just dropped a vicious elbow down on the Paladin. Just goes to show that nobody’s your friend at the big dance.
Chad: You would know, Bob.
Jessie: Crystal Lewis just spit in the face of the Paladin! Ugh! Anydots and Lewis have the Paladin halfway out…and they dump him!
Chad: Cam Shaft’s on his feet! He was faking! He was faking!
Jessie: He just NAILED Crystal in the back of the head with a double axe handle! Penny Anydots is confused…
Chad: Crystal Lewis is really *GETTING* the SHAFT here…
Bob: Well, Chad, that’s what you get for not paying attention.
Jessie: Cam Shaft just hit Crystal with the Backfire! She’s out of it!
Chad: Look at Anydots laugh! She hoists Lewis up…and tosses her out!
Jessie: Cam Shaft all over Penny…and Crystal up to her feet on the floor! She is furious! She’s diving back into the ring! Get her out of there! She’s been eliminated!
Chad: I don’t think she cares, Jessie! She just Oriental death punched Cam Shaft! I think she broke his jaw!
Jessie] Penny Anydots struggling to her feet…but I don’t think it matters! Lewis is repeatedly kneebreakering Cam Shaft! Penny is dazed…
Chad: Uh-oh…I’ve seen this before in tapes of The Roundhouse! She’s gonna lock in that Lethal Legbreaker!
Jessie: MY! She’s got some sort of STF locked in on Cam Shaft! I can hear him screaming from here!
Chad: That’s it! That’s the hold! That’s the Lethal Legbreaker!
Bob: The officials are pouring into the ring, trying to break that hold! Don’t they know the match isn’t over?!
Jessie: They HAVE to get Lewis out of there! She releases the hold and is being escorted out…Cam Shaft is rolling around in pain…
Chad] Uh-oh…look at the look in Penny’s eye! She’s got Cam Shaft up now…WOW!
Jessie: I knew we’d see that patented Tiger Cat bulldog…Cam Shaft’s in deep trouble….and there he goes…Penny Anydots is the winner…and she has Crystal Lewis to thank for it.
Chad: If she wins the belt now, she can send Christmas cards to the S1W’s FOREVER! Lewis gift-wrapped that victory for Anydots.
Bob: Hold on there, Chadby…Anydots tossed out four wrestlers…
Chad: One with the help of the Crippler, and then Lewis herself, who got blindsided by Cam Shaft. So Crystal was involved in HALF of her wins… and don’t forget, Crystal eliminated “Bulk” Hogan all by herself…
Jessie: An impressive display by both Penny Anydots and Crystal “The Crippler” Lewis of the S1W’s…I’m sure those two will meet somewhere down the line.
Chad: Especially if Anydots wins the belt.
Bob: That was one for the record books in any case, Chadby…a showcase of the type of high quality ath-a-leetes you can find only here in the ICWF.
Jessie: Well, we’ve certainly had some tremendous action so far, wrestling fans! And now, I’d like to welcome two colleagues joining the ICWF announcing team. From the great Southwest, here are Sam Wilson and Danny Lopez! Take it away, fellas!
Sam: YEEEEEEE-HAAAAA! Thanks for that great intro, Bob. I’m Sam Wilson and this is my broadcast partner, Danny Lopez. We’re here to bring you the third battle royal in this “Crazy Eights” format! Crazy is right — these fans are goin’ loco!
Danny: I can’t blame them, Sam. The action keeps getting better and better. Here’s Michael Duffer to introduce the competitors in the third match.
Michael Duffer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the competitors for this evening’s third battle royal. Let’s get ready to GRAAAAAPPLLLLLLLLLLLE!!! Introducing first, at 137 pounds…Sizzlin’ Belle! Next, from The Big Apple, weighing 210 pounds, Molly “Leather” McGee! Another competetitor from parts unknown, at 235 pounds, “Killer” Caray Zents! Another woman from the mean streets of New York, at 158 pounds, Angel! From Vero Beach Florida, at 237 pounds, Randy Savant! Introducing next, he’s every woman’s dream, at 257 pounds, Adonis! Aonther man from parts unknown, under the mask, weight unknown, Mr. X. And last but not least, from Fort Knox Kentucky, at 312 pounds, Tank Patton!
Sam: Wow! What a great bunch of athletes for this match– and there’s the bell!
Danny: Leather wastes no time, she’s going right after Mr. X. Sizzlin’ Belle seems to have focused on Tank Patton.
Sam: Whoa, Nellie! Leather just leveled Mr. X with a vicious short-arm clothesline! She’s got him up and — yes! Mr. X has been tossed out. Seven athletes left!
Danny: Sizzlin’ Belle nails Tank Patton with a punch, but goes looking for other action. The big man’s up. He picks up Leather and slams her to the mat. He goes for the top rope. Flying bodypress!
Sam: Nobody home! Leather rolled away and Tank Patton’s gonna feel that one in the mornin’. Leather up now and she picks the big man up. Cn she do it? Yes! YEEEE-HAAAA! Two down, both tossed out by Leather!
Danny: Over in the corner Randy Savant and Caray Zents have been exchanging punches. Zents uses a fireman’s carry to take Savant to the mat. He grabs a handful of hair and — Zents with the DDT! Leather’s over there, and she puts her two cents worth in by dropping an elbow into Savant’s sternum!
Sam: Caray Zents has Savant up again and — Superkick! Savant’s out colder ‘n a mackerel! Zents has him up and heaves Savant out. That’s three! Adonis and Angel going at it now. Angel nails Adonis with a side suplex. Leather in to give Angel a hand. Leather picks Adonis up and PRESSES HIM OVERHEAD! Big gorilla slam, and Adonis hits the mat hard. And now it’s three on one, as Caray Zents stomps on Adonis. He’s picking Adonis up and — that’s it for ‘every woman’s dream’!
Danny: The four remaining grapplers are taking a few seconds to look each other over and get their breath back. Let’s see who goes after who first.
Sam: It’s the big gal from Noo York goin’ after Sizzlin’ Belle. Belle kicks Leather, Leather kicks Belle, there’s a BIG forearm that knocks Sizzlin’ Belle down. Leather has her up and tosses her out! Leather’s eliminated Sizzlin’ Belle! She’s been a house afire in this battle royal so far!
Danny: Caray Zents and Angel have been going at it hot and heavy. Zents with a kick! Angel with a devastating chop! A Savate kick by Angel sends Zents reeling!
Sam: Leather steps in and nails Caray Zents with a flying headscissors! Angel picks Zents up and throws him out!
Danny: Only two wrestlers left now.
Sam: These two tough gals from Noo York are eyeballin’ each other.
Danny: Sam, I’m not sure I’d call either of these women ‘gals’ if I were you.
Sam: Heckfire, Danny, they know I don’t mean nothin’ by it. Here they go! Lock up — Angel with a side suplex. Leather up quickly — treeeeemendous forearm knocks Angel into the ropes. Leather and Angel lock up — fireman’s carry from Leather. She picks Angel up and whips her into the ropes. Tilt-a-whirl slam! Angel gets up. They lock up again — Angel has the big gal up! Running powerslam!
Danny: It didn’t seem to faze Leather. She bounces right up!
Sam: Short-arm clothesline from Leather takes Angel right outta her boots! Leather has her up and — she did it! The winner of our third battle royal, Leather!
Danny: Time of the match was seventeen minutes.
Sam: Woooo-eeee! By my records here Leather threw four o’ the others out all by her lonesome! Quite a performance.
Danny: Still, Angel gave a real good account of herself as well. Fans, you’ll see Leather in the championship battle-royal later on. Now, it’s time to turn things back over to Jessie James!
Jessie: What an unbelievable evening we’ve had up until now! It’s wilder than we ever expected! It’s time to kick in our fourth contest. Let’s go down to the ring, where Michael Duffer is about to introduce the competitors.
Michael Duffer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the competitors for this evening’s fourth contest. Let’s get ready to GRAAAAAPPLLLLLLLLLLLE!!! Introducing first from Grand Rapids, Michigan, at 245 pounds…Andy Boyd! Next, from the increasingly crowded Parts Uknown, weighing 237 pounds…the Assassin! Weighing in at 241 pounds, from Cheyenne, Wyoming…Joe Blackmoon! And now, from Detroit, Michigan, at almost seven feet in height and weighing 318 pounds, welcome “Big Daddy Cold”…EDSEL! From Los Angeles, California, at 150 pounds… Justice! Next, at 155 pounds, from Boston, Massachusetts…Lace! Another competitor from Parts Unknown. He weighs 267 pounds…give it up for Stewart Zents! And our final competitor hails from Pacific Palisades, California…at 129 pounds, here is…Kelly Kandelski!
Jessie: And immediately Justice and Stewart Zents lock up! Justice scoops up Zents and brings him down hard across her knee!
Bob: Andy Boyd challenging Kelly Kandelski, that may be a big mistake on Boyd’s part. Kandelski is currently the number three contender in the CDWF, and she’s looking to add an ICWF title to her resume’!
Jessie: Kandelski with a slam on Boyd! She pulls him up, whips him into the ropes, and hoists him up over her head!
Bob: Kandelski not known for her strength, but she’s showing some power now!
Jessie: She heaves Boyd out of the ring and onto the floor!
Chad: Hey Brodsky, didn’t you pick Boyd to win this one?
Bob: I did NOT!
Jessie: Blackmoon and the Assassin are working together on Lace, while Zents is being double-teamed by Justice and Edsel. Kandelski sizes up the situation, and decides to go after Blackmoon.
Chad: Looks like it’s going to be “happy trails” for Tonto!
Jessie: Chad, please! Blackmoon giving Kandelski all she can handle, but she ducks a clothesline and nails the unsuspecting Assassin with her own clothesline!
Bob: You HAVE to pay attention in a battle royal! They’re coming at you from all sides!
Jessie: Lace with a flying bodypress to the stunned Assassin! A legdrop! She pulls him up by his mask and tosses him out!
Chad: Assassin fared about as well as his pal Mr. X did in the last battle royal. Now I can see why they wear those masks!
Jessie: Lace going after Justice now! Zents tries to take advantage of the break, but Kandelski puts him down with a shoulder tackle! And now Edsel and Blackmoon double-team Kandelski!
Bob: Kandelski has been a popular target so far in this match, but she hasn’t backed down from a challenge yet!
Jessie: Lace nails Justice with a clothesline! Justice staggers back against the ropes, and Lace almost has her over the top! Kandelski whipping Zents into the opposite ropes and…
Jessie: Kandelski with the half-nelson on Zents!
Bob: Impressive move by Kandelski! But she wants to work on Zents some more before she tries to eliminate him.
Jessie: Edsel with a bodyslam to Joe Blackmoon. Big Daddy Cold goes for the elimination, but he can’t quite get him over!
Chad: If he’s having this much trouble against Bluemoon, how is he going to deal with Lace, or Kandelski, or Justice?
Bob: That’s BLACKmoon, Romero! Show a little respect!
Jessie: Justice with a back breaker to Lace! Justice picks her up, and brings her down hard with a power slam! Lace is out of it, and Justice eliminates her easily!
Chad: I can’t believe Lace was eliminated before Edsel or Bluemoon!
Jessie: Blackmoon may not be in there much longer! Kandelski whips him into the ropes, and there’s the half-nelson again!
Bob: And again Kandelski decides not to go for the elimination!
Jessie: Stewart Zents goes to work on Justice, he has her over the ropes! But Justice backs him off with a kick to the midsection!
Chad: And look at the coward Edsel, hiding in the corner!
Bob: He’s not hiding, he’s just trying to catch his breath! Big Daddy Cold doesn’t hide from anyone, Romero!
Jessie: Justice with a bodyslam on Zents. Justice follow up with a kneedrop, and Kandelski hits Zents with a flying bodypress.
Bob: Zents doesn’t look too good right now.
Jessie: He struggles to his feet, and head butts Kandelski! Justice nails him with a forearm, Kandelski grabs him, whips into the ropes, and hits him with the half-nelson again!
Bob: She has to go for the elimination now!
Jessie: Justice picks up Zents and tosses him out! Edsel with a shoulder tackle to a stunned Joe Blackmoon, who stumbles right into Justice’s patented Miranda!
Chad: Bluemoon is seeing stars now!
Jessie: Kandelski eliminates Blackmoon! We’re down to three wrestlers!
Bob: And one of them is Big Daddy Cold! What do you think of that, Romero?
Chad: I think I’m going to be sick!
Jessie: Kandelski and Justice going back and forth! Edsel trying his best to stay out of the way of these two!
Chad: He better stay out of their way, or they may decide to double-team him! I’d pay anything to see that!
Jessie: Justice catches Kandelski with a thrust kick! Kandelski is stunned and Edsel hits her with the Jackknife! He picks her up and out she goes!
Chad: How lucky can you get? Justice does all the work, and Edsel simply happens to be in the right place at the right time!
Bob: I’m surprised by that one myself, but anything can happen here in the ICWF!
Jessie: Justice really administering a beating to Edsel now! She’s got the big guy reeling back into the corner! Justice whips Edsel into the opposite corner and charges right into the Big Boot! Justice is out on her feet, and Edsel tosses her over the top rope for the elimination and the victory!
Chad: I don’t believe it! Somehow the big doofus won!
Duffer: The winner of tonight’s fourth battle royal…Big Daddy Cold….EDSEL!!!
JESSIE: Four wrestlers are in the championship battle royal, four more to go! Take it away, Michael Duffer!
DUFFER: Ladieeeeeeeees and gentlemen! The participants for tonight’s fifth battle royal are currently in the ring! Let’s get ready to GRAAAAAAAAPLLLLLLLLLLLE!!! Introducing first, at 235 pounds, Rick Potter! From Parts Unknown, weighing 250 pounds, the deadly Cobra! One half of Warpath, at 253 pounds, Jay Longbow! Weighing in at 232 pounds, from San Antonio, Texas, Sean…”The Heartbreaker…Kidd! Hailing from Parts Unknown, at 245 pounds, the mysterious Soultaker! At 133 pounds, from Hermosa Beach, California, “The Beach Babe”, Barbi Anderson! From Cambridge, Massachussetts, at a weight of 155 pounds, Janet “The Lethal Librarian” Lane! And from Pensacola, Florida, weighing in at 265 pounds, Rob Foster!
JESSIE: And there’s the bell!
CHAD: And that stupid punk Sean Kidd is going after Soultaker!
BOB: He puts the big guy down with a bodyslam! You gotta admire the kid’s heart.
CHAD: Maybe so, but if he keeps this up his name’s going in the book.
JESSIE: The Cobra and Foster mixing it up in one corner. Cobra with a bodyslam, but Foster quickly back to his feet and slams the masked man’s head into the turnbuckle.
CHAD: Now the Beach Babe wants to try out Soultaker! Obviously they know he’s going to be the wrestler to beat in this match!
BOB: Well, you always go for the big gun first. Why, I remember one game against the Bears…
JESSIE: Cobra being double-teamed by Foster and Janet Lane. He’s down and Rick Potter comes out of nowhere with a knee drop to the martial artist! Foster pulls up the Cobra and tosses him out!
CHAD: There’s your winner, right there!
JESSIE: That remains to be seen, Chad. Lane now turning her attention to Barbi Anderson, bringing the Beach Babe down with a flying head scissors.
BOB: And the Heartbreaker is throwing everything he has at Soultaker, but his blows are having no effect!
CHAD: How can you beat a man like that? Kidd doesn’t know what to do!
JESSIE: Rob Foster sends Rick Potter to the canvas with a forearm, and Jay Longbow drops a knee on the youngster. Foster grabs the stunned Potter and out he goes!
CHAD: What did I tell you? Two eliminations, both courtesy of Mr. Foster!
BOB: I notice he isn’t in any hurry to mix it up with Soultaker!
CHAD: He’s just playing it smart! You’ve got to admire his strategy; clean out the riff-raff first, and let the powerhouses take each other down.
BOB: Then why did he just execute a kneedrop on Barbi?
CHAD: He knows how to pick his spots! Janet Lane has been educating the dumb beach bunny, and Foster just wanted to add a lesson of his own!
JESSIE: Anderson doesn’t stay down for long, as she hiptosses Jay Longbow into the center of the ring. And the Lethal Librarian puts Soultaker down with an elbow!
CHAD: And that punk Kidd attacks Lane from behind! Just like his big dumb friend Edsel!
BOB: Hey, Big Daddy Cold won his battle royal fair and square! He could be the first ICWF World Champion!
CHAD: Please, Brodsky, I just ate dinner!
JESSIE: Barbi is having her problems now with the very unlikely combination of Foster and Longbow, while Lane is fighting off Sean Kidd and the Soultaker. Foster with a legdrop on Barbi! Longbow tries to throw her out but she hooks her leg in the ropes!
BOB: Smart move by Anderson, she almost went over!
JESSIE: Lane and Soultaker continue to slug it out on the other side of the ring.
CHAD: Barbi breaks up that party by attacking the Soultaker, and now both he and Lane double-team the Beach Bimbo! I love it!
JESSIE: Sean Kidd comes over to help, and now all four wrestlers are going at it!
CHAD: And Foster continues to demolish Jay Wrongbow!
BOB: That’s Longbow! Show some respect, Romero!
JESSIE: Sean Kidd is fighting for his life, as Janet Lane just about has him over the top rope! Barbi makes the save!
CHAD: But nobody is there to save Wrongbow! A kneedrop from Foster, and SEE YA! 3 wrestlers gone, and Foster responsible for all of them!
JESSIE: And immediately the Beach Babe goes after him! But the Soultaker jumps her from behind, and once again Barbi is double-teamed.
BOB: Foster better watch out, because Soultaker will clean his clock if he gets the chance, and another name will be added to the book!
CHAD: Did you know that YOUR name is in that book, Brodsky? Soultaker told me so himself!
BOB: Will you stop!
JESSIE: Sean Kidd has the Librarian down, but he misses an elbow drop! Foster tries to toss him out, but once again Kidd manages to hang on!
BOB: Sean may not be as skilled as the other four wrestlers in ring right now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled this one out and joined his pal Edsel in the finals. You’ve got to look out for the underdog, they could surprise you! Like when I was with the Bucs…
JESSIE: Anderson sends Foster down with a shoulder tackle, and follows up with a kneedrop! She goes for another, and Foster rolls out of the way! He tries to throw her out, but no luck. Meanwhile, Lane and the Soultaker are trying to get the Kidd over!
BOB: A lot of close calls there! It just goes to show how much each of these wrestlers wants to win this thing and move on to the finals!
JESSIE: The Kidd is almost out of it, and now all three heels turn their attention to the Beach Babe. She tries to fight them off but the Soultaker presses her high into the air and drops her hard onto the canvas! And Foster is there to throw her out! We’re down to four!
CHAD: That’s four eliminations for Foster, equalling the high marks set already tonight by Penny Anydots and Leather. And I do believe they are both in the finals!
JESSIE: Well, it remains to be seen if Foster will be joining them. It looks like Sean Kidd may be the next victim of this temporary alliance between Lane, Soultaker and Foster, as the three take turns beating on him. Foster with the DDT on Kidd and he…wait, Janet Lane grabs the Kidd and eliminates him before Foster can!
CHAD: Rob not very happy about that, and he immediately attacks Lane!
BOB: So much for the alliance.
JESSIE: Soultaker helping Foster out and…Soultaker levels Foster with a clothesline! Foster is now the victim of a double-team! Lane stuns him with an elbow, and the Soultaker dumps Foster over the top!
CHAD: I told you Soultaker was going to be the one to beat in this match!
BOB: I thought you said that about Foster!
JESSIE: Soultaker with a big bodyslam on Lane, but he is unable to eliminate her. A clothesline, and again he can’t throw her out! Lane fights back, but Soultaker climbs the ropes and hits her with the Heartstopper! Out goes Lane, and the mystery man advances to the championship battle royal! Danny Lopez is there to meet him as he leaves, maybe we can get him to answer a few questions!
DANNY: Excuse me, Soultaker, we’d just like your reaction to–
SOULTAKER: (Grabs him by the shirt and jerks him over, then pulls the mike close.) Listen, little man, can thou not see my plan falling into place? It has begun! First this contest, then the final! This will give to me what I desire most–a means of trapping ALL the souls in this federation! (Pushes Lopez back a few steps and storms down the aisle, toward the dressing rooms.)
DANNY: There you have it folks. You figure it out. Back to you, gang!
BOB: And the action continues here in the O-rena, as we’re ready for our next battle royal! Let’s go to the ring where Michael Duffer is ready to announce the eight participants!
DUFFER: Ladieeeeeeees and gentlemen! The participants for the sixth battle royal are currently in the ring! From Madison Wisconsin, weighing at 240 pounds, Adrian Davis! From Parts Unknown, at 254 pounds, the master of the Dragon Claw, The Dragon! From London, England, at a weight of 247 pounds, Billy Rebel! From Venice Beach, California, weighing in at 265 pounds, This…Is…Stingray! From Parts Unknown, at 127 pounds, Taskmaster! At 120 pounds, from Hollywood, California, Cherry Pie! From Providence, Rhode Island, weighing 185 pounds, “Doctor” Judith Joyce! And from Parts Unknown, at 295 pounds, the Masked Marauder!
JESSIE: The bell sounds, and we’re off!
BOB: Interesting mixture of styles we have in the ring right now. The technical expertise of Cherry Pie, the power of the Masked Marauder, the martial arts skills of the Dragon, the high-flying moves of Taskmaster. This should be a very interesting contest.
JESSIE: Taskmaster and Cherry Pie going at it right now, while Stingray with a big bodyslam on the Dragon!
BOB: Dragon is fairing about as well as his partner, the Cobra, did in our last match.
JESSIE: Billy Rebel tries to suplex Cherry Pie, but she reverses it! On the other side of the ring, the Marauder and Adrian Davis are teaming up on Judith Joyce, but “The Doctor” picks up Davis and slams him! Taskmaster grabs the youngster and out he goes!
CHAD: So much for that ham-and-egger!
JESSIE: The Dragon nailed with a flying dropkick from Billy Rebel! Rebel going for the elimination, but can’t quite get the masked man over.
BOB: Stingray with a knee to Judith Joyce, sending her down. Taskmaster picks her up and full presses the Doctor!
CHAD: That Taskmaster is one of the more vicious competitiors in the ring! She loves dishing out the punishment! And she has Hades at ringside, just in case!
JESSIE: She turns her attention to Billy Rebel now, giving the Dragon a chance to take a breather. Rebel had the Dragon reeling before Taskmaster’s arrival. Judith Joyce working over Stingray, while Cherry Pie and the Marauder slug it out.
BOB: Why aren’t the wrestlers trying to eliminate one another? Don’t they understand what is at stake here?
CHAD: Brodsky, when you’re dealing with the likes of Doctor Joyce, Marauder and the Taskmaster, you have to understand that hurting people is as much fun as winning titles to them! Sure, they want to win titles, but if you can end some young punks career in the process, go for it!
BOB: You make me sick!
JESSIE: Stingray tries to eliminate Billy Rebel, but Rebel is hanging on for dear life!
CHAD: There can’t be MUCH life left in him after the beating he has taken from Taskmaster!
JESSIE: Masked Marauder with a powerful forearm on the Dragon, and Judith Joyce follows up with an elbow drop. Marauder pulls up the Dragon, and throws him out!
CHAD: He practically threw the Dragon into the 3rd row! This Marauder is one powerful man!
JESSIE: Billy Rebel is being ganged up on by Taskmaster, Stingray and the Marauder!
BOB: He won’t last much longer if this continues!
JESSIE: Stingray with the legdrop to Rebel, and Cherry Pie tosses him out!
CHAD: Where did she come from? I thought she was tied up with the Doctor?
JESSIE: Now Cherry teams with Stingray against Taskmaster!
BOB: The action is just too fast for me to keep up!
CHAD: Brodsky, the action at a seniors golf tournament would be too fast for you!
JESSIE: Masked Marauder with a legdrop to Joyce, but Cherry Pie attacks him before he can try to eliminate the Doctor! Stingray with a bodyslam on Joyce, but she’s right back up and sends him down hard to the canvas with a shoulder! She pulls him up and throws him over the top rope for the elimination!
BOB: Stingray hit the floor hard, he may be seriously hurt.
JESSIE: Four wrestlers remain in the ring, and it looks like it’s anyone’s match right now. Judith Joyce with a blow to the midsection of the Taskmaster! Marauder grabs the stunned woman and eliminates her!
CHAD: And she doesn’t look very happy! She’s got Hades and she’s wrapping it around Stingray’s neck! She’s choking him with it! This is great!!
BOB: Where are the ICWF officials? Someone needs to get out here and stop this!
JESSIE: Commissioner Gordon Shaw and other ICWF officials are in there trying to pull Taskmaster away, but she won’t let go of the bullwhip!
CHAD: Stingray turning a nice shade of purple!
JESSIE: Finally she unwraps the bullwhip! Stingray is being helped to the locker room.
BOB: Taskmaster should not only be fined, but suspended for such a heinous act!
JESSIE: Meanwhile, in the ring, Cherry Pie has been holding her on against a double-team from the Marauder and Judith Joyce, but Joyce scoops Cherry up and executes a backbreaker! Masked Marauder with his belly-to-belly on Cherry!
CHAD: So long Cherry!
JESSIE: But they’re not trying to throw her out! Joyce with a kneedrop and again Marauder hits Cherry with the belly-to-belly!
BOB: What was that for? They could have eliminated her after the first one!
JESSIE: This time the Marauder dumps her over the top, and we’re down to two!
CHAD: Is Taskmaster still at ringside? Cherry better watch out!
JESSIE: No, Taskmaster has gone back to the locker room. Marauder with an arm drag on Joyce, he picks her up and power slams her!
CHAD: The entire ring shook with the impact of that maneuver!
JESSIE: Marauder pulls up Joyce and throws her out! Masked Marauder is the winner! Bob’s intercepting him as he makes his way out of the ring!
BOB: Mister Marauder, you prevailed against a group of highly skilled competitors in convincing fashion. Do you think you’re title bound? MM: Of course I am, you stupid jerk! And if I DON’T win a belt, it’ll be because of this crappy draw!
BOB: What do you mean by that?
MM: Whaddaya you THINK I mean, Dopesky? Anybody in a match this late is at a big disadvantage! Do you think it’s any coincidence that guys like me got stuck this far down? The ICWF board of boobs is PETRIFIED that I’m gonna win it!
Bob: That’s preposterous! They wouldn’t–
MM: Yes they WOULD! Interview over! (Shoves past Brodsky.)
Bob: Well, there you have it, Jess! I can’t say much for his sportsmanship, but he’s in the final match. Back to you!
Jessie: Thanks, Bob! And now we’re prepping for the seventh contest of the night! Once again I’ll throw it to my colleagues Sam Wilson and Danny Lopez. How’s it going, guys?
Sam: YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA! Jessie, I’m finer ‘n frog hair. We’re gettin’ close to the finish line.
Danny: Absolutely correct, Sam. The winners of the next two battle royals will have very little time to rest before the big final.
Sam: Here comes that fella Michael Duffer again. He’s gonna be a colt before this night is through?
Danny: “A colt”?
Sam: (Guffaws) Yeah — he’ll be a little hoarse!
Danny: Take it away Michael — please!
Michael Duffer: Laaaaaadieeeees and gentlemen. Battle royal number Sssseeeeevvvvvveeeeennnn coming up! The first contetestant, one half of the body girls, at 165 pounds, Brandi! Second, at 205 pounds, Victoria the Amazon! The third wrestler hails from Milan Italy. Weighing 129 pounds, Alyssa “The Italian Beauty Queen” Ferrari! Number four, at 158 pounds, Elena Quartermain! Racing down the aisle, weighing two hundred and seventy-five pounds, The Ultra Warrior! Number six, weighing 253 pounds, Johnny Rotten! The seventh competitor, at 265 pounds, Mack! And finally, at 243 pounds, Jack Wolf!
Sam: The bell rings and Victoria the Amazon is all over Mack. A big boot to the midsection and she drops Mack like a bad habit!
Danny: Brandi with a running clothes line on Jack Wolf. He goes down hard!
Sam: Where’s Alyssa Ferrari?
Danny: She’s playing it smart, saving her energy, staying out of trouble.
Sam: Well, Victoria has Mack in trouble! She has him up, runs across the ring and — big power slam! Victoria pulls Mack up, Gorilla press and — he’s gone! Victoria eliminates Mack!
Danny: Brandi working Jack Wolf over. Whip into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam! She pulls him up by the hair and — Jack Wolf is history!
Sam: The Ultra Warrior goes down, as Alyssa Ferrari and Elena Quartermain double team him. Now Victoria the Amazon goes after him as well. She whips him into the ropes — no! He reverses it. Backdrop! Victoria is down!
Danny: Warrior goes for a knee drop and — oops! Victoria rolls away! She pulls the Ultra Warrior up. She doesn’t look too pleased…
Sam: I’ll say! Piledriver! Warrior’s hurt! Victoria the Amazon pulls him up again and tosses him out like last week’s meat loaf!
Sam: Well, what else would you do with last week’s meat loaf? Victoria’s now turning her attention to Johnny Rotten. She whips him into the ropes, grabs his waist on the rebound and — Holy catfish! She slingshots his neck across the top rope! Johnny Rotten’s in big trouble!
Danny: Now Elena Quartermain steps in. She has Rotten up and — presses him over her head!
Sam: Down he comes — ouch! That’ll give you a negative attitude! Victoria takes over on Johnny again. She tosses him out on his a–
Danny: Rear! Johnny Rotten’s gone. Victoria, Elena Quartermain, Alyssa Ferrari, and Brandi are left.
Sam: We haven’t seen much of Alyssa Ferrari yet tonight. Now Victoria the Amazon’s decided the Italian Beauty Queen should be the next to leave. Ferrari with a slap — it doesn’t faze Victoria. Alyssa with a facerake. That just got the Amazon mad! Body slam! Ferrari’s down! Leg drop by Victoria!
Danny: Meanwhile, Elena and Brandi are working each other over. Chop from Elena! Slap from Brandi!
Sam: Alyssa’s back on her feet. Victoria with a kick to the midsection. She’s got Alyssa in position and — yes! Vertical Suplex. Only way out is down!
Danny: You’re so right! Alyssa’s stunned. Victoria picks her up and — say good-bye to the Italian!
Sam: Now Victoria moves in on the brawling Brandi and Elena Quartermain. Who’s she going to help?
Danny: If she plays it smart she’ll bide her time and let those two beat each other to a pulp, then toss out whoever’s left.
Sam: That ain’t her style! Victoria grabs Brandi! Backbreaker! Oooh, that musta hurt! Elena moves in, pulls Brandi up by the hair and — what a slap! Slapped the taste right outta her mouth. Now she puts Brandi in position for — cradle suplex!
Danny: Victoria just can’t resist a helpless opponent. She has Brandi up and throws her out! Now it’s Victoria and Elena!
Sam: Elena with a dropkick! Victoria back on her feet quickly. She picks Elena up and slams her down hard! Elena looks a little dazed. The Amazon pulls Quartermain back up and suplexes her! Elena’s out of it!
Danny: Victoria has her up again. She presses Elena up and — that’s all, folks! Victoria the Amazon eliminates Elena Quartermain to win the battle royal and advance to the finals!
Sam: Stellar performance by Victoria — she eliminated SIX of the other wrestlers. What a powerhouse! Bob Brodsky’s gone to get a word from her!
Bob: Victoria, that was the most impressive performance of the evening! You tossed out SIX people!
Victoria: As if there were any doubt. I was the biggest, baddest b*tch in the ring and I showed them how it was done!
Bob: Victoria, please! Watch the language, this is family entertainment–
Victoria: Oh, give me a BREAK, Brodsky! A bunch of men and women beating the hell out of one another in the ring is family entertainment? That’s sick! (Rolls her eyes.) I’m walking out of here with a belt. Count on it. (Turns and walks away, striding arrogantly down the aisle to the jeers of the fans.)
Bob: Well, that’s her side of things. Back to Jessie James.
JESSIE: Now let’s cut to the locker room, where Danny Lopez is with the winner of Battle Royal #4, Edsel!
LOPEZ: Thanks, Jess. Edsel, nobody thought you had a prayer of advancing to the finals tonight, but you surprised us all.
EDSEL: Well Danny, I’m not going to stand here and tell you it was easy. When you’re in the ring with the likes of Justice, Lace, Stewart Zents and Kelly Kandelski, you know you’re in for the fight of your life. <ranting from off-camera>. But, like I said before, the ICWF runs on Edsel Power…
<Rob Foster storms into view>
FOSTER: What kind of joke is this?? Rob Foster, the best wrestler in the world today, eliminates five people in Crazy 8’s…
LOPEZ: That’s four people…
FOSTER: Shut up, Lopez! He eliminates FIVE people, by himself, and is himself eliminated only because two of the best double-team him! And this big dumb goof gets the stuffing beaten out of him for his entire match, watches everyone else eliminate each other, and wins only because of a loaded boot! Is it just me, or is something not quite right in ICWF-land!
FOSTER: I’m not finished! Now, you may have lucked out in your first match, but later tonight you are going to be stepping in the ring with seven of the best athletes this sport has to offer! And I am going to enjoy watching my man, the Masked Marauder, kick your butt from pillar to post on his way to winning the World Championship. But that’s not why I came out here! Regardless of how you fare in that match, you’re guaranteed a spot in the top 10. I want to challenge you to a one-on-one match! Just you and me, big man! And I’ll show you, and the whole world, just like I showed that punk Kidd buddy of yours, who the real wrestler is! <leaves>
LOPEZ: What do you say to that Edsel?
EDSEL: Obviously Mr. Foster needs to consider switching to de-caf! But I’ll tell you what, you get Big Jim Perry to set up that match, and I’ll let Foster find out for himself if my boot is loaded or not!
LOPEZ: Back to you, Jess…
JESSIE: Thank you, Danny! Well, gentlemen, it looks like we have our first match for the debut of ICWF Championship Wrestling!
BOB: And what a match it is! Big Daddy Cold against the Big Mouth!
CHAD: It’s going to be a pleasure to watch Foster cut Big Daddy Dope down to size!
JESSIE: But we’re not finished with Crazy 8’s! Let’s go to Michael Duffer for the introductions for match number eight!
DUFFER: Ladieeeeeeeees and gentlemen! Here are the final eight participants in Crazy 8’s! From the Everglades, weighing in at 267 pounds, Gator Gaines! At 275 pounds, from Tulsa, Oklahoma, Jake the Trucker! From Baghdad, at 264 pounds, Abdul! From Parts Unknown, weighing 247 pounds, Bluuuuuue Thun-der! From Baltimore, Maryland, at 244 pounds, Ray Fisher! At 142 pounds, from Barcelona, Spain, Marissa “Spanish Fly” Espinosa! From Athens, Greece, at 202 pounds, Diana! And from Los Angeles, California, at a weight of 170 pounds, Randi of the Body Girls!
BOB: Another impressive array of talent in the ring, Jess! And you have three of the most powerful wrestlers in the ICWF with Diana, Marissa and Randi!
JESSIE: And there’s the bell! Gator takes a swing at Diana, but the blow doesn’t faze her! She scoops up Gaines and executes a backbreaker!
CHAD: And she very nearly broke him in half! You’ve got to like the big Amazon’s chances. Her partner Victoria is already in the finals and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Diana join her!
JESSIE: And Diana drops a leg on Gator! Jake is there to throw him out, but no! Gator manages to hang on to the ropes!
BOB: His feet just missed touching the floor, Jess! He was lucky!
JESSIE: Well, I think his luck just ran out, as Diana hoists him high over her head and lets him drop!
CHAD: Gaines had to be eight or nine feet in the air! And she casually tosses him over the ropes as if he were just a rag doll!
JESSIE: Randi runs into Ray Fisher with a shoulder. The youngster goes down at the feet of the Amazon, and she eliminates him as well!
BOB: That’s two eliminations in less than 10 seconds for Diana!
CHAD: This match might be over a lot sooner than we expected! Who’s next?
JESSIE: Marissa Espinosa and Blue Thunder trading blows on the other side of the ring. Randi bodyslams Abdul and Diana comes off the ropes with a big legdrop!
CHAD: I do believe we have our next contestant!
JESSIE: Randi taunting Abdul, but she can’t quite get him over the top rope.
CHAD: She’s telling him how out of shape he is! That was nice of her!
JESSIE: Blue Thunder bodyslams Marissa, and he goes for the kneedrop, but misses!!
CHAD: He was showing off to the crowd, like a complete idiot!
BOB: Hey, he was just acknowledging the fans who were solidly behind him!
JESSIE: Well, the fans can’t help him now, as Marissa eliminates him! Now, she and Jake go for the double-team on Diana!
BOB: That might be the only way they’ll get the big Amazon out!
JESSIE: But Randi continues to aid Diana, as she bodyslams the Trucker and Diana sends him to the showers!
CHAD: That’s four wrestlers gone already! This might be the quickest match of the night!
BOB: The power that we mentioned earlier has really come into play, as Marissa, Diana and Randi have totally destroyed their competition!
CHAD: And now poor Abdul is in there alone against the three of them! Someone nofity his next-of-kin!
JESSIE: Diana grabs Abdul and presses him up into the lights! Oh my!
CHAD: I’ll bet they felt that one back in Baghdad!
BOB: But she can’t throw him out! He’s gotten himself tangled in the ropes!
CHAD: That idiot! If he had let himself be tossed out, he could have saved himself a lot of pain!
BOB: Obviously Abdul wants a shot at a belt, and is willing to pay the price!
JESSIE: But he won’t get it, as Diana sends him to the floor with a kick!
BOB: And now we’re down to the big three!
CHAD: Now, what Marissa and Randi should do is team up on the Amazon! It might take both of them to get her out!
JESSIE: Marissa lays out the Body Girl with a clothesline, and turns to face Diana!
CHAD: I’ll bet she never faced a bull like that!
JESSIE: Diana sends Marissa down with a powerful forearm, but the Spanish Fly is quickly up and knocks the big woman down with a clothesline! But Randi is back up and catches Marissa with a knee to the mid-section!
BOB: Looks like Diana and Randi have joined forces against Marissa!
CHAD: Thank you for stating the obvious, Brodsky!
JESSIE: Marissa valiantly fighting over the other two. A clothesline sends Randi down, and now Espinosa has the Amazon staggering back against the ropes!
BOB: Randi’s back up, she comes up behind Marissa and…nails Diana with a forearm!
CHAD: I told you that they needed to team up on the Amazon!
JESSIE: The Body Girl picks up Diana and slams her down! Marissa with a suplex!
BOB: They’ve got the big woman right where they want her!
JESSIE: Randi picks up the Amazon and presses her up!
CHAD: What power!
JESSIE: She drops Diana down hard, and Marissa pulls her up and throws her over the top rope!
BOB: Incredible teamwork there by two women who had never even met before tonight!
JESSIE: But now they face each other! Marissa and Randi trade blows with one another!
CHAD: They’re each taking the best that the other can dish out! A classic matchup here!
JESSIE: Randi scoops up Marissa and slams her down! She comes off the ropes with a bodypress! A stomp to the head, she picks Espinosa up and eliminates her! Randi the Body Girl is the final qualifier for the championship battle royal at Crazy 8’s!
Championship Battle Royal]
BATTLE ROYAL CHAMPIONSHIP ————————- JESSIE: And now we’re up to the final, and biggest, match of the evening! The eight-person battle royal that will decide the initial holders of the four singles titles here in the ICWF! The United States belt, the North American belt, the Intercontinental belt, and of course, the World Championship itself are all up for grabs! Gentlemen, who do you think will be the first ICWF World Champion?
BOB: That’s a tough call, but I’ll have to go with Nancy James. That edge in experience that she has on most of the other competitors should put her over the top. Plus, she’s had almost the entire evening to rest!
CHAD: Brodsky, once again you have no idea what you are talking about! Sure, James is good, but have you been paying attention all evening? Did you see what Victoria did? Did you see what Leather did? Or the Soultaker? Throw in the Marauder and Body Girl Randi, and James is facing too much power in that ring! I predict she’ll be the second one eliminated, following that moron Edsel. I still can’t believe he made it to the finals!
JESSIE: Now it’s time for the introductions! Let’s go down to Michael Duffer in the ring!
DUFFER: Ladieeeeeeeees and gentlemen! Let’s get ready to WREEEEEEEEESTLE! The final battle royal of the evening will decide the winners of the four singles titles in the ICWF! The fifth person eliminated will be the new United States champion! The sixth person eliminated will be the new North American champion! The seventh person eliminated becomes the new Intercontinental champion, and the final person left standing in the ring becomes the first ICWF World Champion! And now now, here are the eight participants!
<“Venus” by Banarama begins to play>
DUFFER: Coming down the aisle, at a weight of 142 pounds, “Vision in Violet” Nancy James!
BOB: James looks well-rested and ready to go! Her quickness and high-flying maneuvers should frustrate the plethora of power wrestlers that she will be facing!
<“The Old Gumbie Cat” from “Cats”>
DUFFER: The second participant, weighing 157 pounds, Penny Anydots!
BOB: Penny is a surprise finalist, considering that she prefers tag team competition to singles.
CHAD: I still think the cat costume is goofy.
<“Leather And Lace” by Stevie Knicks and Don Henley.>
DUFFER: From the streets of New York, at 210 pounds, Leather!
JESSIE: Leather totally dominated her battle royal, she has to be a favorite to walk out of here with a belt.
<a loud auto horn, followed by bluesy-type music>
DUFFER: At 310 pounds, Big Daddy Cold, Edsel!
CHAD: I’ll bet you dinner after the show that he doesn’t last one minute in that ring Brodsky!
BOB: You’re on!
<no music, but lots of booing from the fans>
DUFFER: From Parts Unknown, weighing in at 245 pounds, the Soultaker!
BOB: He’s certainly taking his time getting to the ring!
CHAD: He’s no dummy, he knows he will need all of his energy to win the World championship belt!
<Judas Priest’s “Hell Bent For Leather”>
DUFFER: From Parts Unknown, at 295 pounds, the Masked Marauder!
CHAD: I know who the Marauder really is, Brodsky!
BOB: Who is he?
CHAD: He’s the guy in the mask!
<Wagner’s “Ride of the Valyries”>
DUFFER: At 205 pounds, Victoria the Amazon!
CHAD: Over six feet tall! Maybe if Leather, Soultaker, Marauder and Randi all work together they could get her out! Maybe!
<“Shake Your Foundations” by AC/DC>
DUFFER: And from Los Angeles, California, at a weight of 170 pounds, one half of the Body Girls, Randi!
JESSIE: There you have it, the eight wrestlers going for the gold in tonight’s main event!
BOB: Jess, I just got a report from Danny Lopez that Cam Shaft suffered a serious knee injury as a result of Crystal Lewis’s Lethal Legbreaker.
CHAD: Hey, that’s why they call her the Crippler!
BOB: Also, Stingray has a minor neck injury from Taskmaster’s attack outside the ring. No word on any disciplinary action, but the commissioner is investigating this matter.
JESSIE: There’s the bell!
BOB: Nancy James going right for the big guy, Masked Marauder. She won’t back down from anyone!
JESSIE: Randi working over Edsel in the corner, and Penny Anydots is challenging the Amazon!
CHAD: Big mistake, in my opinion!
JESSIE: Randi sends Edsel down with an elbow smash, and the Marauder hurls him over the ropes…
CHAD: I win the bet, Brodsky!!
JESSIE: But Edsel barely keeps his feet off the floor! Leather and Nancy James now teaming together against the Soultaker! Penny sends Victoria crashing down with a shoulder tackle!
BOB: One minute has passed, Romero, and Edsel is still in there! I win the bet!!
CHAD: What bet? I didn’t make any bet!
BOB: A nice steak dinner should settle matters!
JESSIE: The Marauder lifts Edsel high in the air, and tosses him out!
CHAD: Now that the trash is gone, we can get down to business!
JESSIE: Randi now attacks Nancy James from behind with a forearm. Leather continues to work on Soultaker, but he’s taking her best blows without flinching! A clothesline sends him down!
BOB: That’s reminds me of the clotheslines I used to throw with the Bucs!
JESSIE: Marauder with a shoulder tackle on Randi, and she goes down hard! He tries to get his second elimination of the night, but she won’t go over!
CHAD: The Body Girl is in excellent condition, it’s not going to be easy for ANYONE to eliminate her!
JESSIE: Nancy James in some trouble against Victoria. The Amazon with a massive legdrop on James! But James is back on her feet quickly!
BOB: It’s hard to keep that woman down for long!
JESSIE: Soultaker really giving a beating to Penny Anydots! And now the two big women are going at it! Victoria and Leather raining blows on one another!
CHAD: I don’t know if the ring is big enough for those two!
JESSIE: Randi clotheslines the Marauder and nearly sends him to the outside! Soultaker off the ropes with a flying bodypress on Penny! He picks her up and eliminates her!
BOB: He has to deal with Nancy James now, as the Vision in Violet puts the mystery man on his back with a hiptoss!
JESSIE: Leather with a BIG bodyslam on the Amazon!
CHAD: I don’t think the ring can take another blow like that!
JESSIE: Victoria with a bodyslam of her own, and the Soultaker tries to eliminate Leather! Nancy James with the save!
CHAD: Yeah, but Victoria is about to send the street urchin packing!
JESSIE: Randi again almost has the Marauder over the top!
BOB: Those two have really been going at it!
JESSIE: And now Soultaker attacks the Marauder from behind!
CHAD: the ‘Taker is everywhere! You’ve got to keep an eye on him, or he will lay you out and steal your soul!
JESSIE: Soultaker now attacking Randi! He’s got her halfway over the top ropes! Marauder giving him a hand, but Nancy James breaks it up!
BOB: Leather with a big legdrop to the Amazon! And now she’s pulled Randi from the crowd on the other side of the ring! Leather is in her element when it comes to battle royals!
JESSIE: Victoria back to her feet, she’s going after Nancy James now. James puts her down with a shoulder block! Marauder goes for the kneedrop and…NO!! Victoria rolls out of the way, and Marauder is hurt! Soultaker grabs him and hurls him to the floor!
BOB: Big mistake by the Marauder, and Soultaker capitalizes on it!
JESSIE: Soultaker and Victoria now both work on Leather. Soultaker climbs the ropes, and hits with the Heartstopper! He pitches Leather out, and we’re down to four!
CHAD: These four wrestlers will hold the four ICWF singles belts! But which wrestler will hold which belt!
BOB: Well, whoever goes next is the United States champion!
JESSIE: Nancy James sets Randi up on the turnbuckle and takes her down with the Leap of Faith! And Soultaker hits Victoria with the Heartstopper on the other side of the ring!
CHAD: How did he get up there so fast?
JESSIE: Nancy throws the Body Girl out, and Soultaker eliminates the Amazon!
CHAD: That was close! Who hit the floor first??
BOB: Randi was eliminated first, so she is the U.S. champ! That makes Victoria the North American champion!
JESSIE: The two remaining wrestlers take a breather to study their opponent. Nancy with a knee to the Soultaker! He’s knocked back into the corner! She sets him up and…the Leap of Faith!!!
BOB: Holy cow!!!
JESSIE: She pulls Soultaker to his feet and throws him over the top rope!!
CHAD: I can’t believe it!!
BOB: She did it! She’s the ICWF World Champion!!
DUFFER: Ladieeeeeees and gentlemen!!!! The winner of Crazy 8’s, and the first ICWF World Champion…..”Vision in Violet” Nancy James!!!!
(Jessie James makes her way through a crowd of officials with her mike to greet the champion, who has been joined by coach Andrea Cantor and partner Kelly Kandelski.)
Jessie: Vision in Violet, you’ve obviously got a lot to be proud of here. Not only did you win the very first battle royal in ICWF history, you’ve gone on to something more important–you’re the ICWF’s first world’s champion! Has it sunk in yet?
Vision in Violet: All these years, I’ve been near the top of every federation I’ve been in, but never quite gotten a shot. Finally, the dream has come true.
Jessie: To what do you attribute your victory?
ViV: Well, endurance is a necessity in an event like this, and it’s hard to out-endure an aerobics instructor–especially when she’s had the longest rest going in! Working with Kelly has helped too… you need leverage moves to be able to throw big guys like Soultaker, and she’s good at those. And with Andrea to help me put it all together, there’s the winning combination.
Jessie: I can tell we’ve got a people’s champion in our midst. Where do you go from here?
ViV: Next, I want to add the tag belts to the collection. Whether it’s me striking from above, or Kelly doing her stuff on the ground, there is no escape from defeat at the hands of Hearts and Flowers!
Jessie: And on that, I give you the Internet Championship Wrestling Federation inaugural world’s champion, the Vision in Violet!
Bob: (Puts a finger to his earpiece.) What’s that? (Turns to the camera.) I’m getting word that we’ve managed to locate the Soultaker, and we’re going to try to get a few comments. Let’s cut to Danny Lopez!
Danny Lopez: He’s gotta be here somewhere. (Finally, he spots the person he’s looking for. Soultaker and Taskmaster are striding down an adjacent corridor.)
Danny Lopez: Soultaker. Mr.Soultaker. Can we get a word with you?
(Soultaker, carrying the ICWF Intercontinental belt, stops and looks over the Interviewer. Taskmaster eyes him and strokes Hades suggestively. Soultaker fingers the large, leatherbound book he carries in his other hand as he speaks.)
Soultaker: What dost thou want, vermin?
Danny Lopez: (trying not to lose his cool) Well, I…that is we…the viewers would like to know, what are your plans, now that you’ve won the Intercontiental title.
Soultaker: (looking over at the belt that he holds carelessly by one strap) This? This…thing? Hast thou not yet learned my goals, vermin? Dost thou not realize that this is merely a plaything for mortals, such as thee?
Danny Lopez: So, are you saying you don’t want the belt?
Soultaker: Fool! This belt will serve its purpose, to bring all the mighty warriors of the ICWF to me. They will all beg to face me in the ring. Then, after I’ve stopped their hearts, and taken their souls, I will cross their names off in my book, and move on to the next victim.
Danny Lopez: I see…um, so is there anyone in the ICWF you’ve got your sights set on?
Soultaker: Whoever is foolish enough to face me in the ring first.
Danny Lopez: Uh-huh. I was just wondering…do you feel a special need to prove yourself, since you’re the only male champion in the ICWF?
Soultaker: (Fixing the interviewer with an icy gaze) I have no need to prove anything. I am Soultaker, and I am the end of a long road for all who face me.
(Soultaker and Taskmaster turn and walk into another room. The Interviewer follows, yelling “One more question!” When he opens the door, he finds the room beyond…empty.)
Danny Lopez: Uh, well as you can see, that’s all we’re getting out of the Soultaker. Back to you, guys. (Gives one last look at the room, and turns away with a spooked expression.)
Jessie: Well, that’s all for this incredible evening, everyone! Join us again this week for our television program, where we’ll feature more interviews with our champions and more great matches!
Bob: Yes, and I imagine we’ll be hearing from the board of directors regarding the reprehensible behavior of Crystal Lewis and the Taskmaster. I’m expecting fines and suspensions!
Chad: Yeah, and you’re also expecting your mom to make you some cookies when you get home, too.
Bob: Yes, I’m–hey! (Makes a poor attempt at a lunge toward Chad, allowing Jessie’s shoulder to halt his progress. Chad doesn’t move, just crosses his arms.) You leave my mother out of this, you no good–
Jessie: (Puts a hand on his chest.] Relax, Bob. Anyway, for my broadcast partners and myself, I bid everybody farewell! Have a great evening, and I hope you enjoyed the ICWF’s first-ever event!