Falls Count Anywhere match between ViXXXen and MegaDiesel
<Jessie, Lisa, Bob, and Chad stand at ringside, with an excited crowd waving and screaming all around. Colored lights flash over the arena as the latest show begins.>
Jessie: Good evening, everybody! Live from our beautiful studios here in Richter City, Florida, we bring you the ICWF Saturday Showdown! With me tonight are my esteemed colleagues, “Luscious” Lisa Madison, Chad “Romeo” Romero, and Bob Brodsky! We’ve got some big developments on tap for you tonight, right, Bob?
Bob: Absolutely, Jess! For tonight, the president of the ICWF himself, Mike Shoemaker, is here, with what promises to be an important development!
Chad: “Important development”? For him, an important development is gettin’ a date — OH! Hello, Mr. Shoemaker!
<The prez walks up to everybody.>
The Prez: Hey, everyone!
Lisa: Mr. Shoemaker, we’ve been told you’ve got big news to share with us! Would you care to let us in on it?
The Prez: Why, of course! I’ve been spending so much time with my football team, the Miami Mercs, that I’ve really neglected the ICWF. So, to compensate, I’ve brought in a couple of real managerial and marketing geniuses to keep things going smoothly here. Please, everybody, give a big welcome to Eric Bitchoff and “Lean” Gene Okralund!!!
<The group looks stunned as Eric and Gene come into view, smiling and shaking the president’s hand.>
Eric: Thanks big time, Mike. The ICWF is poised on greatness, and we’re here to bring it to the next level!
Gene: Most assuredly, Eric. My compatriot and I will give every effort to ensure the best possible product here in the ICWF!
Chad: ….Um…Mr. Shoemaker, have you been eatin’ the brown mushrooms–
Bob: Uh, what my colleague means to say is that this is quite a breakthrough for the federation, and I’m sure it will bring us to the next level right away! <Chad looks at Bob in puzzlement, and Bob elbows him surreptitiously in the ribs.>
The Prez: That’s the plan, Bob. In fact, I’ll be here watching the shows over the next few days to ensure things go smoothly. I can’t wait to see the great things that happen!
Jessie: Well…you’ll see *something* happen, that’s for sure. Anyway, we’d better move onto our first matchup. Bob?
Bob: We’ve got a two-sport superstar trying to make the jump to wrestling. Here’s Sam with the details. Sam?
Sam: YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA! Thanks, Bob. Yessiree, I’ve got one of the greatest athletes ever to grace the gridiron, and a baseball superstar to boot, ‘Neon’ Deion Sanderson!
<Sanderson, a well-muscled black man dressed in a sequined blue robe and wearing about a dozen gold chains around his neck comes out. The fans either love him or hate him, depending on which football team they normally cheer for, so there are cheers mixed with boos.>
Sam: Deion, you’ve been a big success in baseball and football. Why are you risking it all by trying wrassling?
Deion: Sam, I’m here to prove I’m the greatest athlete in the world in EVERY sport. After I add some gold to my collection in the ICWF, that Tyson guy better watch out ’cause I’m going after him, too!
Sam: You’re going up against a wrestler who’s also making her debut in the ICWF, ‘Deadly’ Denise Duncan. What’s your strategy?
Deion: I’m gonna dazzle her with my speed and skill, then pin her with my Prime Time Special (TM). I’ll show the wrestlers in the ICWF that NOBODY can beats Neon Deion — ‘specially no chick. Now if you’ll excuse me, Sam, this’ll just take a minute. <He heads toward the ring>
Sam: There you have it Bob — ‘Neon’ Deion Sanderson certainly doesn’t lack any confidence!
Bob: Thanks Sam. It’s nice to see a fellow football star out there — I’m sure he’ll do well.
Chad: “Fellow football star”? Brodsky, you are so full of it! You were a third-string water boy on a team full of losers.
Bob: I was NOT a water boy — I was on the kickoff team. Well, there were two guys ahead of me in the depth chart. The coach didn’t know how to use me and —
Jessie: We can talk about that later, Bob. For now, let’s go to Michael Duffer for the introductions.
Chad: (aside to Jessie) “Talk about that later”? You serious?
Jessie: (aside to Chad) It shut him up, didn’t it?
Michael Duffer: Ladiiiiiieeeeees and Gentelmennnnnn! Introducing the two-sport superstar, from Dallas, Texas, standing six feet one inch tall and weighing in at two hundred and seven pounds, Prime Time himself, ‘Neon’ Deion Sanderson! <Sanderson removes his robe and chains. He’s now in white tights with a familiar blue star on the butt and white boots with identical stars.> His opponent, from Stockbridge, Massachusetts, at five feet nine inches tall and weighing one hundred and seventy pounds, ‘Deadly’ Denise Duncan! <Duncan has red hair tied back in a ponytail. She’s wearing a black robe. She ignores the fans, letting them cheer or boo as they want. She keeps her gaze focused on Sanderson. Reaching the ring, she removes the robe, revealing a black posing bikini and boots. Her body is hard, covered with sleek muscle.>
Jessie: About all we know about Denise Duncan is that she’s the older sister of ‘Dynamic’ Deborah Duncan. Denise’s reputation is that of a no-nonsense wrestler.
Chad: Reps don’t mean nothing in the ICWF — let’s see her wrestle.
Jessie: There’s the bell. Sanderson moves out fast, and he’s quickly taken down with an armdrag. Sanderson back to his feet, and Duncan takes him down again. Sanderson’s up, and Duncan hits him with a dropkick, knocking him through the ropes!
Bob: Deion’s just feeling out his opponent. He’ll come back.
Chad: He better hurry — Duncan leaps over the ropes with a somersault splash, and Sanderson’s squashed to the floor! Duncan pulls him up and whips him into the guardrail. ‘Neon’ Deion looks like he’s on rubber-leg street! Referee Vinnie Mannequin warns ‘Deadly’ Denise to back off and she does, for the moment. Duncan back to the ring apron — she comes flying off with a double axe-handle to Sanderson’s back! I like her style!
Bob: Come on ref, that’s illegal procedure! Duncan pulls Deion up and rolls him back into the ring. She heads for the top rope. Sanderson gets to his feet.
Jessie: But he’s still pretty much out of it. Duncan poses on the top rope, and now flies off with a dropkick from the top rope! Sanderson’s down again! Denise stands with a foot on his throat —
Bob: Choke! Choke! Come on- ref!
Jessie: — but Vinnie Mannequin’s busy talking to Duncan and doesn’t see it! Now he does! Duncan breaks on the count of three.
Chad: That’s nice of her — she had until five. Now Denise kneels on Sanderson’s chest — here’s a pin attempt — no! She just starts pounding away at Sanderson’s face. No face masks in the ICWF, Deion!
Bob: Come on Vinnie, get her off him! Finally! Again, Mannequin starts arguing with Duncan, and again she’s got a foot on Deion’s throat! Geez, ref, throw a flag, willya!
Jessie: Duncan pulls Sanderson up and rocks him with a forearm uppercut! Now she picks him up — she presses him over her head and almost casually tosses him outside the ring again! Duncan to the top rope — Sanderson’s back to his feet, but Denise fixes that with a double axe handle, sending Deion face-first to the floor.
Bob: Deion to his hands and knees — Duncan with a vicious kick to the ribs that lifts him off the floor! He lands ten feet away!
Denise: See? I can play football better than you, too!
Jessie: Denise lifts Sanderson to her shoulders and CARRIES him back into the ring. Samoan drop! Sanderson’s down.
Bob: He’ll come back! He’s a football superstar!
Chad: Yeah. Right.
Jessie: Duncan now wraps Sanderson up with a figure-four headscissors. Sanderson’s in trouble again — Mannequin’s asking him if he wants to give.
Denise: Come on Neon! You know you want to give!
Jessie: Sanderson is barely able to hook the bottom rope with his ankles. Duncan has to break and she does — reluctantly. She pulls Sanderson up and across her chest — wow! What a backbreaker! She didn’t let him go, now she has him up again. She takes a running start and there’s a tremendous powerslam!
Chad: She can pin this palooka anytime she wants. She’s sending a message to somebody.
Bob: Look at that! Parading around the ring, showing off! Disgusting.
Chad: <with mouth open> Uhh — speak for yourself, Brodsky!
Jessie: Sanderson’s trying to get up. Duncan gives him a hand, now she locks him in a bearhug! Three running steps and she rams his back into the corner! Now Duncan picks him up and sets him on the top turnbuckle. There’s a tremendous punch to Sanderson’s jaw! Duncan climbs the ropes and sets Sanderson up for a superplex!
Chad: There he goes — oh my God! Duncan turned it into a brainbuster! Sanderson’s out. Here’s the count — one, two, three! That ref could’ve counted to a thousand!
Michael Duffer: The winner, in a time of five minutes and seven seconds, ‘Deadly’ Denise Duncan!
Jessie: Danny Lopez is down there — Danny, can you get Denise for an interview?
Danny: I’m sure going to try — Denise! Could we have a word?
Denise: Depends. Who the hell are you?
Danny: Danny Lopez. I’m one of the ICWF announcers.
Denise: Oh. Okay, whaddaya want to know?
Danny: That was a tremendous debut, Denise! <cut to where the paramedics are trying to revive Sanderson. He comes around slowly>
Denise: Thanks, Danny. I wanted to serve notice to the entire ICWF that they better watch out! ‘Deadly’ Denise Duncan means business! I’ll do whatever it takes to win!
Danny: Of course you know your sister, ‘Dynamic’ Deborah Duncan’s been making a name for herself here in the ICWF and —
<from the back rushes Deborah Duncan. She’s followed by Penny Lancaster, Ray Fisher and Kevin Taylor.>
Deb: Denise! <runs over and hugs Denise> Wow! I didn’t know you were coming! Great to see you again!
Denise: <disengages herself> Thanks, Deb. Good to see you too. <motions toward the other three > Who are they?
Penny: Ms. Duncan, my name is Penny Lancaster. This is Ray Fisher, and that’s Kevin Taylor.
Denise: <looks Ray and Kevin up and down> Nice.
Penny: Deborah’s been training with us. I’ve been more or less managing her.
Denise: Really. Hope you’re keeping her out of trouble. She tends to get over-enthusiastic at times.
Penny: I’ve noticed.
Deb: Denise! You should join us! We’ll make an AWESOME team! Penny’s a great manager, and Leather and Lace — you haven’t met them yet — are terrific, and Kevin and Ray are —
Denise: Easy, sis. You can tell me all about it later. Danny, if you’ll excuse my sister and me, we’ve got some catching up to do. Penny, see you around.
Danny: Ms. Lancaster, while you’re here, can I ask you some questions?
Danny: You’re scheduled to meet Yakuza in a few minutes and —
Penny: Yes, Mr. Lopez, and you want to know what my thoughts are on the match, correct?
Danny: Um, yeah.
Penny: <faces camera> Yakuza, you have become a major irritant in my life. I don’t like being irritated. I am going to dispose of you once and for all. You had better be ready for the fight of your life. <leaves with Kevin and Ray>
Danny: <calls after her> Thank you, Ms. Lancaster. <turns back to camera> Fans, here’s Bob Brodsky with some hotline information.
Bob: What do ICWF wrestlers really think of President Mike Shoemaker? Which ICWF wrestlers were in Kuwait teaching a sheik’s harem to wrestle? What do the Body Girls eat for breakfast? I can’t reveal anything here, but if you call the ICWF hotline at 1-900-555-ICWF, I’ll reveal all! Only $3.95 per minute! Remember that’s 1-900-555-ICWF. Kids, get your parent’s permission first! That’s 1-555-909-ICWF!
(Screen fades to black, and an older male voice over comes on) “Let it be known, that the man to which the future belongs has come.. (you start to see an outline of a person in the darkness) The Prophecy. It starts with a vision, and his name, Steven Prophecy. (The outline is becoming clearer) When he reaches the ICWF, a new reign will come. He will be the world champion… for he is the Prophecy. (The outline is now clear, and you see a male standing with his back to the camera… he slowly starts to turn, and as soon as his face is about to be revealed, it fades to black once again).”
(In a very quiet whisper, the voice over comes on again) “The future will soon be here.”
Chad: Well, this is it! The big showdown between Yakuza and Penny Lancaster! Let’s show a few highlights from this feud. <taped footage shows Yakuza attacking Penny Lancaster after a match, Penny retaliating after one of his matches, and Yakuza spewing green mist in Penny’s face>
Michael Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is one fall with no time limit and no disqualification. Falls count anywhere. <the lights dim and a greenish mist rises around the ring. When the mist disappears the lights come back on and Yakuza is in the ring.> Already in the ring, from the mysterious East, Yakuza! <Yakuza throws several chops and kicks at the air>. His opponent, weighing one hundred and fifteen pounds, Penny Lancaster! <Penny comes out in her usual business suit and glasses, her hair in a bun. She’s followed by Leather, Lace, Ray Fisher and Kevin Taylor. She sheds the shoes, skirt, and blouse, leaving a black thong bikini. Taking off her glasses she enters the ring.>
Chad: I think Lancaster’s lost her mind. No DQ and falls count anywhere against Yakuza? He’ll annihilate her!
Bob: I think she’s crazy like a fox. I’ve got an idea that she knows just what she’s doing.
Chad: Stop the presses! Brodsky had an idea!
Bob: Why I oughtta —
Jessie: There’s the bell! Penny’s all over Yakuza! He’s totally on the defensive! One – two – three successive kicks to the jaw by Penny Lancaster! Yakuza staggers against the ropes! He drops to the mat and rolls under the ropes!
Bob: That won’t save him here! Penny leaps over the ropes and hits Yakuza with a double axe handle! Now she whips him into the guardrail — NO! Yakuza reverses! Penny hits the steel hard! Now Yakuza with a finger thrust to the throat! Penny’s hurt! Yakuza delivers some more chops to the air, then kicks Penny in the belly! Penny Lancaster’s down! Yakuza grabs Penny by the hair and picks her up — she takes him completely by surprise with an elbow to the jaw!
Chad: She was faking — ain’t THAT just like a woman!
Jessie: Watch it Romero! Penny rams Yakuza’s head to the guardrail. Now she vaults the railing, she’s got Yakuza in position and suplexes him over the guardrail and to the arena floor! She grabs a trash can and smashes it down across Yakuza’s back! This is a different Penny Lancaster than the one we’re used to seeing!
Chad: If you ask me, this is the REAL Penny Lancaster — she’s mean and nasty. I like it!
Jessie: Yakuza’s back on his feet — but not for long! A superkick from Penny Lancaster knocks him down again! She pulls him up and sends him careening up the aisle. Yakuza nails Penny with a chop — she shakes it off and returns the favor, driving Yakuza toward the interview platform. Danny, Sam, get out of there!
Chad: Ain’t that Okralund with ’em? Ahh, it’ll do them good to get clobbered.
Bob: Show some compassion for your fellow broadcasters, Romero! Fortunately, Sam and Danny got out of Dodge in time. Penny picks Yakuza up and slams him to the platform floor. She drops an elbow to his chest. She pulls Yakuza up — vertical suplex! She dropped him right on his external occipital protuberance!
Chad and Jessie His what?
Bob: The back of his head.
Jessie: Yakuza won’t stay down. Penny charges, Yakuza ducks and backdrops her to the floor! He’s pulling her up with a handful of hair, now he’s doing something with his mouth and — Penny ducks just as Yakuza sprays that green mist! He missed her, but it looks like it caught Gene Okralund right between the eyes!
Chad: Now he looks like okra — all green and slimey!
Bob: Will you show some respect! Penny with a crescent kick and Yakuza hits the platform. She pulls him up, drapes him across her shoulders and gives him a Samoan drop! Yakuza’s trying to get up again and Penny delivers a stomp to the back of Yakuza’s knee, collapsing his leg. She drops a knee into his hamstring, trying to knot the muscle up. Penny pulls Yakuza to his back and takes an ankle in each hand —
Chad: Make a wish!
Bob: Double leg drop to the inside of Yakuza’s legs!
Chad: She missed!
Bob: Missed what?
Chad: His jewels, nimrod!
Jessie: Even so, Yakuza’s in considerable pain. Penny takes a leg and drives her elbow to the inside of his knee! She’s working on a nerve center there, and Yakuza’s really hurting. Now Penny steps over the leg, and there’s the STF! She’s really putting the pressure on! It looks like she’s trying to yank Yakuza’s head off! Yakuza’s screaming in pain and — that’s it! Yakuza submitted!
Chad: I don’t believe it! He’s been trained as a ninja to feel no pain.
Bob: Not that kind of pain! Penny isn’t letting go! She’s working on his legs — he’s in absolute agony! The ref’s threatening her, but with no disqualification rules what can he do?
Chad: About as much as normal. Nobody listens to these zebras except wimps and losers.
Jessie: Leather, Lace, Ray and Kevin are surrounding Penny now, and finally they convince her to let Yakuza go. She has her hand raised in victory, but she doesn’t look satisfied. She leaps on top of Yakuza! She’s digging her fingers into his neck in some kind of nerve hold! Yakuza’s screaming and — he’s gone limp! Penny Lancaster’s nerve hold rendered Yakuza unconscious almost instantaneously! Now security and Penny’s wrestlers have pulled her away. Penny’s being led to the locker room by Leather and Ray Fisher, while Lace and Kevin Taylor follow them, I think to make sure Penny doesn’t head back and do any more damage. The paramedics have loaded Yakuza on a stretcher. What a match! We’ll be back after we tell you about —
Bob: ICWF Stuff! Bulk Hogan T-Shirts! Bret Hartman sunglasses! Stingray face paint! All this and more can be yours! Get your own ICWF Stuff! Not only that, we have —
Python Princess: Mr. Brodsky, I’m sure you weren’t going to forget to mention the Snake Sisters poster.
Sidewinder Sanders: Here it is — the picture the fans of the ICWF have been drooling over.
- Princess: And anyone — even you rabble — can order one of these quality posters.
Sidewinder: Thass right! And no ICWF wrestlers were killed in the making of this poster — but some were hurt — a lot!
Bob: Order now! Operators are standing by! Just call 1-800-IC-STUFF! Have your Visa and Mastercards ready! That’s 1-800-IC-STUFF!
- Princess: If you know what’s good for you, you’ll call immediately!
Jessie: We’re back, and I’m here with the former tag team champions, the Snake Sisters. Ladies.
- Princess: Jessie, a pleasure as always.
Sidewinder: Hey, Jess! Howzit goin’?
< Eric Bitchoff rushes up >
Eric: Jessie, I just had a GREAT idea! <turns to Jennifer Sanders> I mean, Sidewinder’s no kind of name for a woman like you. With that kind of body, you should be — the Booty Chick! Yeah, that’s it! And you can be Bulk Hogan’s valet — you know, hold the ropes open for him, admire his muscles, that sort of thing! Yeah, that’s what we’ll do! I tell ya, Hogan’s going all the way to the top! <leaves>
- Princess: Who *was* that — that — troll?
Jessie: That’s Eric Bitchoff. President Shoemaker brought him and ‘Lean’ Gene Okralund in to help promoting the federation.
Sidewinder: Okralund — that the weenie running around with the green face?
Jessie: Um — he got sprayed by Yakuza and —
- Princess: I must remember to compliment Yakuza on his aim — after he returns from the hospital.
Sidewinder: <addressing camera> Bitchoff, you’re fulla <BLEEP>! You want me to be the BOOTY CHICK?!? I am Sidewinder Sanders — I *earned* that name, hombre! And Bulk Hogan — don’t make me laugh!
- Princess: I believe Mr. Hogan is scheduled to wrestle in the next match, isn’t he?
Jessie: Yes, he’s scheduled to meet Flex Luger.
Sidewinder: That’s what he thinks!
<Just then Luger comes out. He never stands a chance. The Princess and Sidewinder beat him unmercifully, and he crawls back behind the curtain. Sidewinder heads for the ring and orders Michael Duffer to “Introduce me — or you’re next!”>
Michael Duffer: In the ring, from Rattlesnake Gap, Arizona, standing five feet eleven inches tall and weighing one hundred and eighty-five pounds, Jennifer ‘Sidewinder’ Sanders!
Jessie: Eric Bitchoff has joined us for this match. Eric?
Eric: That Booty Chick is really something, isn’t she?
Chad: “Booty Chick”? You mean Sidewinder Sanders?
Eric: That’s her old gimmick. Now she’s gonna be the Booty Chick. Too bad she’s up against the greatest force in wrestling today!
Chad: Spanish Rose?
Bob: The Shaft Brothers?
Eric: Are you nuts? I’m talking about Bulkamania! The one and only —
Chad: Thank God.
Eric: — immortal Bulk Hogan!
Michael Duffer: Her opponent, <music: Eye of the Tiger> from Venice Beach, California, weighing two hundred and eighty pounds, The Incredible Bulk Hogan!
<Hogan comes out, cupping a hand to his ear and gesturing for the fans to cheer. Some of them do, but most are sitting there laughing. Hogan’s in his red-and-yellow shirt and tights, and he rips the shirt off before he gets to the ring, tossing it to the fans. Sidewinder strips off her robe, revealing her snakeskin posing bikini. Hogan sees her and stops.>
Hogan: Hey, what are YOU doing here, snake? I was supposed to take that dude Luger apart.
Sidewinder: I persuaded him <flexes her arm and shows Hogan her big fist> to take a powder pard. I want ya NOW!
Hogan: Y’know, I ain’t afraid to hit no woman, you stinky, slimy, wart-infested snake! Whatcha gonna do when the twenty-three inch pythons run wild on YOU!?
Sidewinder: Big talk, buster. You couldn’t beat me on my worst day — and your best one!
Eric: Come on Bulk! Teach her a lesson!
Jessie: Um, Eric, have you ever seen either of these two wrestle?
Eric: Nah, what difference does it make? I’ve picked Bulk Hogan to lead the ICWF into the twenty-first century, so he’s gonna win!
Jessie: Um, whatever you say, Eric. Sidewinder attacks Hogan as the bell rings. She nails him with a kick to the belly — there’s a swinging neckbreaker by Sanders! Hogan’s down —
Eric: Not for long!
Chad: Bitchoff, are you on any medication we should be aware of?
Jessie: Hogan swings wildly and misses — Sidewinder swings and doesn’t miss! Hogan hits the canvas. Sidewinder picks him up and bodyslams him back down again. Now Sidewinder’s on the second rope and flexing. She leaps — elbowdrop from the second rope right into Hogan’s sternum!
Eric: He’s making her overconfident — Bulk’ll clobber her any time now!
Bob: Eric, I’m a big fan of the Bulkster’s too, but — he’s the one gettin’ clobbered.
Jessie: That’s an understatement! Sidewinder tosses Hogan out of the ring. She leaps over the top rope and splashes Hogan on the outside. The Bulkster looks like he’s out! Sidewinder pulls Hogan up with a handful of hair —
Chad: What there is left of it.
Jessie: — and rams his head into the ringpost! Hogan’s bleeding! Sanders picks Hogan up and presses him overhead!
Chad: What an exhibition of power by the Sidewinder!
Jessie: Hogan gets tossed back into the ring! Sanders goes to the top — kneedrop from the top rope! Hogan’s a bloody mess! Sanders wraps him up in a bearhug and — belly-to-belly suplex by the Sidewinder! There’s the pin — no, she picked him up at two!
Eric: She shouldn’t be fooling around like that with someone of Hogan’s ability. That’s a big mistake.
Chad: The only mistake in this match was when Hogan got in the ring against Sidewinder Sanders.
Jessie: Sidewinder picks Hogan up again — she’s got him up to the top turnbuckle. Hogan’s sitting there, dazed. Sidewinder to the top — she’s setting up for the Rattler and — there it is!
Bob: Good-night Irene.
Jessie: But Sanders isn’t going for the pin! She’s coming to this side of the ring.
Sidewinder: Bitchoff! There’s your immortal Bulk Hogan! He’s nothin’! You want to promote Hogan and make me the BOOTY CHICK?!?! When I get done with Hogan, you can pick him up with a blotter and take him with you to whatever hole you crawled out of!
Jessie: Sidewinder picks Hogan up — she plants him on the top turnbuckle again —
Bob: Oh no! She’s going to give him another Rattler!
Chad: Oh yeah! Do it Sidewinder!
Eric: She – she’s going to destroy the ICWF’s future! Doesn’t she realize that?
Jessie: She gives the sign — and there it is! Another Rattler! Hogan’s out cold! Sanders kneels next to him and puts a finger on his chest — one – two – three! She pinned him with a finger!
Eric: That does it! I’ll find someone else to be the Booty Chick!
Bob: We’ll be right back after these messages.
Voice: Are you ready for excitement? Are you ready for pain? Are you ready…for the Bulkster Workout?(tm)
(Shot of Bulk Hogan, surrounded by weights and mirrors.)
Bulk: That’s right, brother. Now, all my little Bulksters can get the 23 1/4 inch pythons, just like the Bukster, dude!!
(Shot of Bulk lifting weights, in front of three mirrors.)
Bulk: All you need is my workout tape, and about $300 of equipment. If your parents think that’s too much money, just tell ’em Bulk Hogan says… DO IT!!!
(Shot of two parents rushing out of the house, running to the nearest store, and running out with the Bulk Hogan Workout(tm) video.)
Bulk: And, dudes, on the back of every video is a list of doctors who can get you some…special vitamins to help in your workout! Remember the three…no four…no, wait a minute…four demandments! Yeah, four…or, is that five? Hmm…
(The voice over comes in while Bulk is trying to make up his mind.)
Voice: The Bulk Hogan Workout(tm) tape! Get Bulked…today!
Bulk: Five!!! No, that’s not it…
Jessie: Eric Bitchoff has just joined us again — Eric, what’s that you’ve got?
Eric: It’s the new Ultra Warrior comic book! <he holds it up. On the front cover is a drawing of the Ultra Warrior, in full face-paint, pressing a woman looking suspiciously like the Python Princess over his head> It hits the newsstands tomorrow and I predict it’ll sell out immediately! And look at this! <holds up a t-shirt with “Warrior University” emblazoned across the front> We’ll get people to go to the Warrior’s wrestling school! We can run promos all the time!
Chad: “Warrior University”? He actually TEACHES people to wrestle like him? What are some of the courses — advanced face painting? How to lay there unconscious while you get pinned? Rope shaking 101?
Eric: I’m a promotional genius! I stole Warrior from that other federation and talked him into headlining for the ICWF! Wait until Bulk Hogan’s the heavyweight champ and the Ultra Warrior’s the Intercontinental champ — then they can have a match for both belts — yeah, that’s it!
Jessie: The Python Princess and Sidewinder Sanders are coming over here again.
Sidewinder: Bitchoff, I just destroyed your big man the Bulkster. Now, you think this Ultra Warrior hombre is gonna be the answer to your prayers? Pal, my partner here can wipe up the mat with that painted freak.
Eric: You’re just upset ’cause you can’t be the Booty Chick anymore. Maybe your partner would like to try out for the job — of course, she’ll have to lose the mask.
- Princess: Jessie, darling, is this idiot serious? <Jessie shrugs> Mr. Bitchoff, I have a proposal. Bring out your Ultra Warrior and have him face *me* — if I don’t defeat him within five minutes, I shall be the first in line to enroll at this “Warrior University”, and I will become your “Booty Chick”. But if I can make good my boast, *you* will *eat* that comic book. In addition, you will see to it that *all* copies are removed from the shelves. I will *not* be slandered in this way.
Eric: That’s not you on the cover, it’s the Anaconda Queen. But you’re on!
Jessie: Sounds like we’ve got a match! Here’s Michael Duffer.
Duffer: Our next match is a special challenge. Already in the ring, weighing one hundred seventy-five pounds, the Pyyythonnnn Prinnnnnnnnnncess! <The Princess is in her usual thong-backed snakeskin leotard, boots, and mask> Her opponent is from parts unknown, weighing two hundred and seventy-five pounds, the Ultra Warrrrrrrriorrrrrrr! <The Warrior races out of the back, dressed in green and white trunks, with green ribbons tied around his massive biceps. He’s got green and white paint on his face in a familiar design. He runs to the ring, leaps to the apron, and shakes the top rope, howling at the top of his lungs>
Bob: What an entrance!
Chad: Yeah, but now he’s winded. It’ll take him fifteen minutes before he can breathe normally again.
Jessie: The Princess is just looking at him, her expression looks vaguely amused at his antics. There’s the bell.
Eric: Just watch the Warrior make mincemeat out of her!
Jessie: The Warrior charges the Princess trying for a clothesline, but she ducks. Another charge, she ducks again. Third time, and this time she steps aside and drives her boot deep into the Warrior’s gut! He drops to his knees.
Chad: That’s fitting — he’s paying his respects to royalty.
Jessie: The Princess grabs the Warrior’s hair and traps his head between her legs. Now she pulls him up and piledrives him into the canvas! Kneedrop to the Warrior’s forehead! Now the Princess pulls him up by the hair and snap-mares him back down.
Eric: Hey! Hair pulling’s not legal!
Chad: Like I always say, you can do anything in there as long as you break before five.
Bob: What’s she doing now? The Python Princess pulls off her mask and wraps it around the Warrior’s throat! She’s choking him with her mask! C’mon ref, get in there! She breaks at four and tosses her mask out to her partner. Now she picks the Warrior up and presses him overhead!
Chad: Magnificent! Look at the strength of that woman!
- Princess: Mr. Bitchoff, does this pose look familiar? Look at the cover of that piece of garbage in your hand and reverse the positions!
Eric: She can’t do that — that’s the Warrior’s finisher!
Jessie: She’s doing it. And she SLAMS him to the mat! That one shook the entire building! She attacks while he’s down with stomps to the head.
Chad: Your Highness! Hitting him in the head won’t hurt him!
Bob: Will you stop!
Chad: That’s more like it! She hits the doofus with a corkscrew elbow to his back! The Warrior’s in trouble!
Duffer: Two minutes have elapsed — three minutes to go.
Jessie: The Princess pulls the Warrior up by the hair and moves behind him with a full nelson. She’s got it locked in and — Holy Hannah! Dragon suplex by the Princess! Ultra Warrior is DOWN!
- Princess: You run a wrestling school? Who do you teach? Five-year-olds?
Bob: That’s uncalled for! The Princess is slapping his face and taunting the Warrior! She’s gotta be stopped! She’s out of control!
Chad: You wanna stop her, Bob? Be my guest! In fact, I think I’ll tell her what you said!
Jessie: Knock it off boys!
Bob: He started it!
Chad: Did not!
Bob: Did too!
Jessie: Can it or I’ll deck you both! The Princess has somewhat revived the Warrior —
Duffer: Three minutes have elapsed, two minutes left in the match!
Jessie: — and picks him up across her body. Backbreaker by the Princess! She picks him back up — there’s another! Up again — three in a row! Now she lets the Warrior go. She stands over him and hits a double-bicep pose!
- Princess: Mr. Bitchoff, did you really think this pathetic fool could stand up to me? With this body? With my unmatched skill? Mr. Bitchoff, you are a bloody idiot! I hope you like the taste of paper!
Chad: The Princess gives the sign for the Anaconda Nelson! She locks in the body scissors, now she applies the full nelson!
Jessie: The Warrior can’t do anything about it! Her legs are pulverizing his waist, and look at her arms as she works the full nelson! The ref’s checking with Warrior, but I don’t think he can answer! That’s it! The referee calls for the bell!
Duffer: The winner of the match, in three minutes and fifty-one seconds, The Pyyyythonnnnnn Prinnnnncesssssss!
Eric: Oh no! Another brilliant promotional idea shot to hell.
Bob: Hey! She’s not releasing him! The ref’s trying to make her break, but Sidewinder Sanders is keeping him away from her partner!
Chad: Heh heh heh cool heh heh heh
Bob: We’ve got to get somebody in there to get him loose! Now the Princess finally lets him go. Sanders is still talking to the ref — she tosses the mask back to the Princess, and the Princess wraps it around the Warrior’s throat! Sidewinder’s keeping the ref distracted while the Princess chokes the Warrior!
Chad: Yeah! Way to go Your Highness! Teach that clown a lesson!
Jessie: The Princess tires of her fun and releases the choke. Now she and Sidewinder Sanders are coming this way.
Eric: Excuse me, I think I hear President Shoemaker calling me…
Chad: Well, the “promotional genius” is beating a hasty retreat before the Snake Sisters can make him eat the Warrior comic book.
Sidewinder: Where’s that clown Bitchoff goin’? Come back here you little —
Chad: Your Highness, that was a tremendous display of wrestling.
- Princess: Thank you, Chad. It’s nice to be appreciated. <looks at camera> Mr. Bitchoff, you can run but you cannot hide — not from my allies and myself. Rest assured, you WILL eat that slanderous, disgusting comic book before this night is over. And as for the Warrior University <she picks up the t-shirt that Bitchoff left behind and uses it to wipe the sweat from her face> I think they may need a new instructor. <rips the t-shirt into pieces>.
Sidewinder: That’s two, Bitchoff! The Snakes have wiped out your pretty-boy heroes. Now we’re lookin’ to run you outta town, pard! There’s a stage leavin’ in a half hour. You better be on it — or we’ll put you UNDER it!
Chad: Your Highness, Sidewinder, thanks for the interview.
- Princess: Chad, it was your pleasure.
Chad: We’ll be back in a minute. <as the screen fades, Chad can be heard saying, “by the way, Brodsky said that …”>
<The camera interrupts a wrestling match, with Randy “The Macho One” Savant taking on a masked opponent. Randy is getting his clock cleaned, even though he has yuppie manager extraordinaire, Paul. F Hazardly, in his corner. Paul is on the phone, and, when the masked man tosses Randy to the mat, Paul hands him the phone.>
Paul: It’s for you. It’s the ICWF wrestling hotline!
(Randy takes the phone and, when his opponent rushes in after him, The Macho One hits him with the phone.)
Savant: The ICWF hotline, it’s saved my bacon more than once. OHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHHH, DIG IT?!?
Voice: ICWF hotline. $15.00 a minute, minimum 4 minute call. Kids, don’t bother your parents, just call anyway. ICWF hotline, it’s hot!
Jessie: Coming up is something of a grudge match here in the ICWF. A couple of shows back, MegaDiesel scored a big win over the Kingpin’s charge, ViXXXen. Well, she’s challenged him to a return match, with a special stipulation. Here’s Mike Duffer with the introductions.
Duffer: This contest is scheduled for one fall with no time limit….. Disqualification rules have been waived, and pinfalls will count ANYWHERE…….Introducing first….from the Gangsta’s Paridise… 317 lbs…Here is “Mega Daddy Kewl”….MEGADIESEL!!!!!
(Big pop for the big man, mostly from the marks.) And his opponent….from Every Man’s Fantasies……accompanied to the ring by her manager…..the International Manager of Champions, the Kingpin…(Huge boos from the crowd) weighing in at 124 lbs….this is ViXXXeN!!!!! (ViXXXeN comes to ringside followed by The Kingpin. She is dressed in jeans, work boots, and a bikini top. Her long red hair is tied in a huge ponytail behind her head. The crowd is torn, half booing, half chanting “I Want ViXXXeN” She cracks her whip as she steps into the ring.)
Jessie: Sounds like the crowd still doesn’t know what to make of The Kingpin’s latest acquisition.
Chad: Every man in this place is on his feet for ViXXXeN. She’s the hottest woman in the ICWF!
Jessie: Pinfalls count anywhere in this one…
Chad: The parking lot! The concession stand! The locker room! It doesn’t matter! Someone’s getting pinned today!
Jessie: Well, there’s the bell….here we go! Collar and elbow tie up….MegaDiesel shoves ViXXXeN off….and she’s through the ropes to the floor already! MegaDiesel has a HUGE size and strength advantage here..MegaDiesel goes through the ropes…on the floor now…what’s that he just grabbed?
Chad: It’s the timekeeper’s hammer!
Jessie: Wham! He just nailed ViXXXeN with the hammer! MegaDiesel is going for the pin! *One* *two*
No! ViXXXeN is out! MegaDiesel complaining about a slow count.
(The match rages on for another 10 minutes, with MegaDiesel using everything in the building to hammer ViXXXeN. The two brawl all the way up the ramp, all around the inside of the arena, and finally end up on the foyer outside of the front of the arena.)
Jessie: They’re outside now! This one has been crazy! We’ve seen tables fly, garbage cans, ViXXXeN throwing that crockpot full of scalding nacho cheese in the face of MegaDiesel…it’s lunacy! OW! ViXXXeN thrown to the guardrail before the front steps…MegaDiesel charging….OH MY! NO! ViXXXeN just ducked and MegaDiesel is rolling end over end down the stairs! There have to be a hundred stairs out there! He’s not moving…oh, he’s hurt. He has to be hurt.
Chad: This has been BRUTAL! Megadork is down at the bottom of the stairs now…where in the hell is ViXXXeN going?!
Jessie: ViXXXeN turning and re-entering the arena…she’s marching through the crowd…over the barricade now and into the ring. What is she doing?
Chad: Meanwhile, the Megadummy is still out cold on the sidewalk outside the arena!
Jessie: The whip! She’s got her whip, and she is barreling up the aisle! She climbs the barricade, and ViXXXeN is running through the arena, and out the front door!
Chad: He’s in for a whoopin’ now!
Jessie: OH NO! Look at her just beat Megadiesel’s unconscious body with that whip! He’s going to have marks for the rest of his life!
Chad: ViXXXeN really going to work on Megadolt, now…she’s got the whip around his neck and is dragging him around the parking lot! This is INSANE!
Jessie: ViXXXeN with MegaDiesel up over her head and….OH NO! She just slammed him through the windshield of a car! She climbs in and lays on top of him…someone get a referee over there!
Jessie: That’s it! ViXXXeN has defeated MegaDiesel, and he looks hurt badly…the Paramedics are coming out in droves, and look at ViXXXeN, parading around like that…this is disgusting!
Chad: That’s what grudge matches are all about! We’ll see how tough the MegaDrip is after this, if he can come back…the U.S. title is in trouble…ViXXXeN is coming! [Duffer: (inside arena) Here is your winner….representing the Soldiers of the First World…..ViXXXeN!!!!!!!!
Jessie: What an exciting match! We’ll be back after these messages!
(A shot of two kids watching ICWF wrestling on T.V., and really getting into the action.)
Kid#1: Yeah!! Jessica Spangles wins again!
Kid#@2: Hah! That’s only because Rob Foster wasn’t in the building!
Kid#1: I wish we could take these guys with us everywhere!
(A shot of the television where Jessica Spangles and Nancy James are celebrating in the ring. They turn toward the two boys, as if they’d heard what they’d just said.)
Jessica: Well, now you can!
(Jessica and Nancy jump over the ropes, and the camera cuts to the living room, where the two wrestlers have appeared, much to the surprise of the kids….)
Nancy: Yep, you guys can take the stars of the ICWF anywhere you want, with new ICWF superstar t-shirts!
(The Masked Marauder comes running in out of the kitchen, holding a sandwich.)
MM: Now, you can be wearing me! (Shot of a construction worker wearing a Masked Marauder Tee.)
(The Mankillers come out of a closet, each holding a tee-shirt with their pictures on it.)
Tanya: Or wear us on your chest, if you’ve got the guts!
(JQ Smooth walks down from the upper floors, with a girl on each arm. Each girl wears a JQ Smooth tee-shirt.)
JQ: Now, you can have me close to you, day…or night.
(Arlechino pops up from behind the couch with two of his tee-shirts.)
Ar: Here, kids, now you can be wearing my picture when you’re watching us on T.V.
(There is a moment of silence, as the two kids look at each other. Then, as one, they turn and ask…)
Kids: Who are you, anyway?
(Arlechino looks stunned, as the rest of the wrestlers laugh.)
Bob: Hello, folks, and we’re back with a…special…guest commentator, Jim Floss. Jim, welcome to the ICWF broadcast booth.
Jim: Well thank y’all for havin’ little ole’ me here. Shucks, this here’s a much better broadcast area back in Bugtussle where I grew up.
Chad: (Whispers to Bob) We have to put up with this guy?
Bob: (Whispers back) That’s what the President’s new advisors say. And let’s go down to ringside for our next match.
Mike Duffer: Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s get ready to RUUUMMMMMBBBBBBLLLLEEEEE! This match is scheduled for one fall, with a 30 minute time limit, and is for the ICWF World Tag-team Championship. First, the challengers…
(“Memory” from Cats plays over the P.A. System.)
Mike Duffer: Accompanied to the ring by Old Leviticus. Here are Penny Anydots and Sizzlin’ Belle, the Queens!
(Crowd pop as the two favorites shake hands with all the fans on their way to the ring.)
Bob: So, uh, Jim…what do you think of this matchup?
Jim: Well, I don’t know much about this whole thing, seein’ as how I’m just a good ole’ county boy from Bugtussle…
Chad: But, haven’t you been doing this for a number of years now?
Jim: Yeah, but seein’ as how I’m just a simple guy from the country, I don’t see as how I’d be able to say anything intelligent about this here matchup.
Chad: Oh, this is going to be fun, I can tell. Excuse me while I try and find some antacid.
Mike Duffer: And, their opponents, the champions…(“The Four Horsemen” by Metallica plays over the speakers) Accompanied to the ring by their handler, Dark Paladin. They hail from Valhalla, and Hades, respectively. Weighing in at 520 lbs., here are Fenris and Cerebus…the Dogs of War!
(A major chorus of boos rain down as Paladin leads the two wrestlers to the ring with chains around their necks.)
Jim: Wow! I never saw nothing like this down in Bugtussle…
Bob: Uh-huh, well the Queens having a short discussion with their manager before the match begins…Paladin is removing the Dog’s collars…and the Dogs charge in on the Queens!
Chad: Way to start the match, guys!
Jim: And now those cat folk are beatin’ up on the dog lookin’ fellers. Boy, this here is twice as exciting as anything I saw in Bugtussle! Now, them cat folk are tossin’ the other folk out of the ring! What’s that there ringin’ sound?
Chad: Uh, that’s the ring bell, it means the match has begun. Anyway, the ref trying to keep the cats in the ring, but to no avail. Penny Anydots going after Cerebus on the outside, and taking it to the larger man! A whip to the guardrail, and Cerebus hits hard!
Bob: I’d say the Queens are looking a lot more aggressive than usual tonight, Chad. Penny now with a kick to Cerebus and a toss to the ring steps! Fenris going over to help his partner, and Penny slips back into the ring. Cerebus crawls back into the squared circle as the ref holds Penny back. Cerebus going for his corner, and he makes a tag.
Chad: Alright, now we’re gonna see the old dogs in action!
Jim: Speaking’ of ole’ dogs, I had me an ole’ dog once. Got rabies, mom made me put him down.
Jim: Yep, bit my dad too.
(The action continues, hot and heavy. Neither team seems to have a definite advantage, though they both use double teams and brawling outside of the ring.)
Bob: We’re ten minutes into this match, and neither team seems ready to quit. Folks, this is the ICWF at its best!
Chad: Wrong, Brodsky, this is the Dogs of War at their best. The Queens have tried every dirty trick in the book, and the Dogs aren’t even fazed.
Jim: Dirty? Well, in Bugtussel, when cats are dirty, we just dump ’em in the river to wash off.
Chad: Is your cousin Jethro coming over later?
Bob: Anyway, Cerebus attempting a choke on Penny Anydots…but Penny in tight with a waistlock, she’s trying to get the big man over…she does it! Beard with a count, 1…2…kickout.
Chad: Ha! A day late and a dollar short! Penny with a pick-up, but Cerebus with a boot to the noggin! Cerebus tags in Fenris, and they’re setting up Penny with a whip to the ropes…double clothesline!
Jim: Back in Bugtussel…
Bob: And Sizzlin’ Belle in to help her partner, and Fenris stops her! We’ve got another four-way brawl, and the referee looks tired of stopping these fights, Bob!
Jim: …we hang our wet laundry on a clothesline.
Chad: Jim, I just got a phone call, they say your sister is outside chasing parked cars.
Jim: But, I don’t have a sister, except for Mary-Lou, but she’s actually…
Bob: James Beard finally gets the brawl sorted out, and Fenris setting Penny up for a suplex…but Penny with a backdrop! The Queens showing great resilience!
Chad: But, not a lot of brains, as Penny is still in the ring with Fenris! She whips him to the ropes…tilt-a-whirl slam! Fenris is down and Penny is still not tagging out! She tosses Fenris to the ropes again…and the big man with a fist to the mid-section! Penny is back on the mat!
(The mat continues, with the pace slowing a lot more. The Queens seem to dominate the Dogs, though they aren’t quite able to put them away, thanks to several tag saves.)
Bob: The Queens are wrestling the match of their lives here, Chad, though they can’t seem to get past the Dogs’s flagrant pin saves.
Jim: Back in Bugtussle, when our Dogs get fragrant…
Chad: Why don’t you go back to the ce-ment pond, Jimbo, we’ve got a wrestling match to call here. Sizzlin’ Belle now, tossing an exhausted Cerebus to the ropes. Sizzlin’ Belle sets him up…and gets tagged with a kick! Cerebus pulling that move out of nowhere! How’s that for guts, huh, Brodsky!
(Ring Announcer) 27 minutes have passed in this match, there are 3 minutes remaining.
Bob: These two teams have gone all the way with this one, Chad. I’m impressed that either team has this much stamina.
Chad: Hey, I’m impressed that The Queens are showing a little of what it takes to win here in the ICWF…
Bob: Guts? Determination? Great training?
Chad: Cheating! Cerebus now, with a gorilla press on Sizzlin’ Belle. And, now a pin! 1…2…3!!
Bob: Not quite! Kickout at the last minute by Belle! I’m surprised the Cerebus hasn’t tagged out to his fellow Dog on the outside, Chad.
Jim: I used to put my dog outside, back in…
Chad and Bob: BUGTUSSLE!
Jim: Did I tell this story before?
Chad: Cerebus setting up Belle for a stomachbreaker…but the cat hits him with a lucky blow to the midsection! And now Penny Anydots entering the ring in a blatant attempt to gang-up on Cerebus!
Bob: And Fenris entering the ring just as blatantly! Folks, the Queens and the Dogs are going at it like…well, cats and dogs. The Queens now, with the upper hand, tossing the Dogs toward each other…a reversal! The Queens slam together! Cerebus grabbing Sizzlin’ Belle…bends her into position…powerbomb! A pin by Cerebus! 1…2…3!
Chad: YES!! They did it!! YYYEESSS!!
Mike Duffer: Your winners, and still ICWF world Tag-team champions, The Dogs of War!
Bob: Folks, neither team can stand at the moment…Dark Paladin in the ring, along with (Queen manager). Both seeing to their teams. Now, each team being helped back to the locker rooms. Folks, that was one of the great ones, and you have to give it to the Queens, Chad. They threw everything they had at the Dogs, and that match could have gone either way.
Chad: Yeah, it could have gone either way, but it didn’t! DOGS RULE, and cats drool!
Jim: Well, fellas, it’s been fun, but I got to go.
Bob: Oh…so soon?
Chad: Going back to Bugtussle?
Jim: Nope, goin’ back to interview the winners. See y’all later. I’ll be back when I’m done to help y’all with more a’ this here talkin’ stuff.
Bob: Oh…great. Well, folks, here’s Jim Floss with an interview with the champs.
(Jim Floss is standing back in the locker room, waiting for the Dogs of War. He doesn’t wait long, as they and Dark Paladin walk through a nearby door.)
Jim: Heelo y’all, this is Jim Floss for the ICWF. I’m gonna be askin’ y’all a few questions…
(Dark Paladin, without breaking his stride, picks up the commentator, hoists him over his shoulder, and walks down the hall with him. As Jim screams for the “big Varmit” to put him down, the camera follows, and watches Paladin dump Floss in a large garbage bin, face down. The commentators legs flail wildly as Paladin and the Dogs leave the area.)
Jessie: Well, fans, that’s it for this edition! We’ve got more exciting action for you on our next show, including title matches involving Spanish Rose, Gretchen Gwynne, and the Masked Marauder–plus more with the Eric Bitchoff and “Lean” Gene situation! For my broadcast colleagues, I’m Jessie James, saying, so long!!!