ICWF Showdown – 3-10-1997

The ICWF World Championship is on the line as Gretchen Gwynne defends against the Masked Marauder. 

<Jessie, Bob, and Chad sit at ringside, with an excited crowd waving and screaming all around. Colored lights flash over the arena as the latest show begins.>

Jessie: Good evening, everybody! Live from our beautiful studios here in Richter City, Florida, we bring you another great ICWF show! With me tonight are my esteemed colleagues, Chad “Romeo” Romero, Bob Brodsky, and “Luscious” Lisa Madison! We’ve got some big developments on tap for you tonight, right, Bob?

Bob: Absolutely, Jess! For starters, we have the debut of two awesome- looking new teams, that of Mike Anderson and “Terrible” Tori, as well as a first look at Penny Lancaster’s duo of Sheila Lovejoy and Alicia Daniels!

Chad: Hey! Ain’t those Sweet Valley High chicks supposed to be Juniors wrestlers?

Lisa: Initially, yes, Chad, but since the ICWF has dragged its feet toward actually CREATING a Juniors division, they’ve been cleared to wrestle as adults.

Chad: They’re gonna get eaten alive….

Bob: Perhaps, Chad, but if spunk and determination count for anything, they’re going to be VERY successful.

Chad: Spunk? SPUNK?!? Why, I oughtta slap you so hard–

Bob: Just try it, Romero! (Jessie and Lisa keep them separated.)

Jessie: Boys, PLEASE?!? Anyway, we’ve also got a number of great matches, including bouts featuring Donna Quinn, Kommando Karla, and Arlechino will face the dangerous Sid McNight in singles competition!

Lisa: Absolutely, Jessie! What’s more, we’ve got the Dreamgirls squaring off against the ever-dangerous Dogs of War, Godiva Rage against the exotic one himself, Venus, and in our HUGE main event, we get to see “Gorgeous” Gretchen Gwynne defend her belt against the man she took it from, the awesome Masked Marauder!

Jessie: Up first, we’re hoping to shed some light on the situation involving “Deadly” Denise Duncan, A. C. Hammer, Mike Anderson, and “Terrible” Tori. Danny Lopez was able to get this footage earlier this week.

AC HAMMER, DENISE DUNCAN, MIKE HAMMER, TERRIBLE TORI

<Scene is a conference room with an oval table. On one side sit A. C. Hammer, Mike Anderson, and Terrible Tori. On the other are Penny Lancaster and Denise Duncan. There are papers in front of Hammer, Anderson, and Tori.>

A.C.: Well, everything seems to be in order. Denise, you okay with this?

Denise: Yes, Adam, I am. After the talk we all had, I understand why you did what you did. I’m sorry I was ready to believe the worst.

<A. C. signs his name and passes the papers to Penny Lancaster, who also signs>

AC.: Mike, Tori, you ready to join us?

Mike: Absolutely. <He signs his set of papers and passes them to Tori.>

Tori: <She smiles.> Guess it’s up to me to watch out for you. <She signs the papers, then hands them back to Penny.>

Penny: Welcome to Lancaster Enterprises Tori, gentlemen. <She shakes hands with Tori, Mike and A. C.>

Danny: Fans, we’ve just seen Terrible Tori, Mike Anderson and A. C. Hammer signing management contracts with Penny Lancaster. Tori, I’ll start with you. Why have you allied yourself with this organization, and with a man against whom you’ve fought twice?

Tori: Just twice? Well, Mike and I just needed to solve a few issues between ourselves, and we get along very well. Besides, I’d hate to see anything happen to Mike, so I’m going to tag with him and see that he stays out of trouble. <She grins.> I think with some training, he might actually be a contender.

Mike: <Smiles.> Oh, you’re too kind.

Danny: Now for the big question: What happened in the past to cause the bad feelings Denise Duncan had for A. C. Hammer. A. C., Mike, and Denise have agreed to explain some things. Denise, I’ll start by asking what you had against A. C. Hammer.

Denise: It all started with Nevermore.

Danny: Nevermore? The same Nevermore who’s now in the ICWF?

Denise: The same.

AC.: It’s time for a little history, Mr. Lopez. Mike, Denise and I first met in the Eastern Wrestling League. Denise and I formed a tag team and held the titles for quite a while. We made a good team, both in and out of the ring. <Smiles.> I — was fond of her.

Denise: “Fond”? Hey, pal, you gotta do better than that.

AC.: Okay. I — well, I was in love with her. That’s not usual with tag team partners, but I couldn’t help it.

Denise: Then one day Nevermore appeared. As you’ve seen from his interviews, he likes to play mind games with his opponents. He’s also an incredibly violent and evil man.

AC.: He was able to break up a number of excellent teams. He got the partners to turn on each other, all the while sitting back and laughing while he played puppet master, pulling their strings. Eventually he turned his attention to Denise and myself.

Danny: What happened?

Denise: I got notes, flowers, messages — it was obvious who was behind it. At first I tried to laugh it off, but — well, I started wondering whether some of the things in the messages were true.

AC.: He was trying to split us up. I knew he was planting doubts in Denise’s mind about me. I couldn’t stand to fight her, and I didn’t want to see her destroyed by Nevermore, so I left, figuring that with me gone he’d turn his attention to some other group. Mike knew why I left, but I didn’t tell anyone else. And I made him promise he wouldn’t, either.

Mike: Sorry I broke my promise. It seemed like the thing to do at the time.

Denise: Anyway, I thought the worst. Nevermore played it up: “see the great A. C. Hammer, he’s nothing but a coward, he ran out on you”. Eventually I believed it. Then Nevermore left.

AC.: He followed me to the UWF, where I’d made some friends and was a member of an elite organization. He was able to break that up by playing his mind games. Two men I thought were my friends, two men I loved like brothers turned on me. At first I blamed them, but I came to realize it was Nevermore’s doing. Anyway, as I moved to different federations, he followed. It’s almost like he couldn’t stand not controlling me.

Danny: And now all three of you are here.

AC.: Yes. I must confess, I didn’t know Denise was in this federation until she came out and slapped me.

Denise: And when I saw Adam, all the poison Nevermore had whispered to me seemed to take hold. I saw A. C. as the coward who’d run out on me.

AC.: <Turns to Denise.> It tore me apart to leave you, but it was either that or have to fight with the woman I loved. I couldn’t do that.

Danny: Yet you did it last week.

AC.: <Laughs.> Yes, I know — I’ve still got the bruises to prove it. I fought Denise because I knew she wouldn’t let it go. I didn’t want to leave the ICWF, and I sure didn’t want her to leave. Despite my best judgment I decided to do what Nevermore wanted me to do many years ago — fight with Denise.

Denise: The rest you know — except that thanks to Mike I know now that Adam left because he cared for me, not because he’s a coward.

Danny: Any closing comments?

AC.: Yes. <Looks at camera.> Nevermore, are you happy? You’ve finally gotten what you wanted all those years ago — I fought with Denise Duncan. But you failed, Nevermore. Because now we are together again and we are stronger than ever. Raven, you’ve involved yourself in my affairs for years now. You’ve dogged my footsteps and turned people I thought were my friends against me. It ends here! I’m the one person who’s resisted you despite your best efforts. I — WILL — NOT — SUCCUMB. And here’s where we make a stand. With the aid of Denise, Mike, Tori, Ms. Lancaster, and whoever else I can rally to our cause, YOU WILL BE STOPPED!

Danny: Thank you all for a most revealing interview.


Jessie: Next we have a tag team match. Penny Lancaster signed these two young ladies to be part of the ICWF Juniors division, but after just a little training she decided they were good enough to take on the adults here.

Chad: Oh no, not these two little motor mouths! I hate these valley girls.

Bob: They’re up against two men who’ve just arrived here from Mexico, Ray Mysterious III and SuperCalofragilistic. Let’s go to Mike Duffer.

MYSTERIOS III/SUPERCALOFRAGILISTIC VS. SHEILA LOVEJOY/ALICIA DANIELS

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, now entering the ring area, from Monterey Mexico, at a combined weight of 390 pounds, Ray Mysterious III and SuperCalofragilistic!

<Two masked men enter the arena. The smaller of the two wears a red mask and long white tights with red boots. The larger has on a black t-shirt and trunks with black boots. His mask is white, with a stocking cap sewn to the top and stitched-on sunglasses over the eyeholes.>

Chad: Which of these idiots is Mysterious?

Lisa: The smaller man is Mysterious, the other is SuperCalofragilistic.

Chad: Where do they come up with these names?

Lisa: Well, Mysterious’ father and grandfather were also wrestlers, so I guess he decided to honor them by using the same name. As for SuperCalofragilistic, he took his name from — um — er — Mary Poppins.

Chad: Mary Poppins? Boobmeister, even for you that’s a stretch!

Duffer: Their opponents, led to the ring by their manager Penny Lancaster, at a combined weight of 275 pounds, Sheila Lovejoy and Alicia Daniels!

<Penny, dressed in her usual power suit and heels, her hair in a bun and glasses perched on her nose, leads Sheila and Alicia to the ring. Penny’s carrying her notebook computer with her. Both Alicia and Sheila are in posing suits — Sheila’s is dark green and Alicia’s is pale blue. Both wear matching boots and kneepads. Alicia’s blonde hair is loose, hanging past her shoulders, while Sheila’s auburn locks are tied back in a ponytail. The girls wave, giggle, and blow kisses to the fans as they make their way to the ring.>

Jessie: This should be an interesting matchup. Mysterious is starting for his team, and he’ll be facing Sheila Lovejoy. They lock up — armdrag takedown by Mysterious. Sheila pops right back to her feet. Another lockup, and this time it’s Mysterious who hits the mat from an armdrag. He kips up and they begin circling. Collar-and-elbow tie-up, and Sheila gets a side headlock on Mysterious. She cranks on the pressure, and the masked man drops to one knee. He’s up again, there’s a throw off by Mysterious, Sheila hits the ropes, Ray drops down and Sheila leaps over him, now Mysterious leapfrogs over Lovejoy, off the ropes again and — wow! Mysterious tried another leapfrog but Sheila caught him and powerbombed him to the mat! Now Sheila with an elbowdrop to the sternum, and she runs over and tags Alicia Daniels in.

Chad: Oh goody.

Bob: Alicia heads for the top rope — big leg drop off the top! Mysterious really felt that one! Now Daniels pulls Ray up and — scoop slam! Here’s a quick cover — Mysterious kicks out at two! Alicia pulls him up by an arm. Here’s a whip to the ropes — reversed by Mysterious, and he hits Alicia with a dropkick! Ray grabs an ankle and drags Alicia toward his corner, and now he tags in SuperCalofragilistic. SuperCalofra — um — he goes to the top. Super now with a somersault splash on Alicia Daniels! He covers her — she kicks out with authority at one!

Jessie: That’s an impressive kickout by the teenager. Now Super heads for the top turnbuckle, but Alicia’s right behind him. There’s a waistlock — belly-to-back superplex by Alicia Daniels! She’s up quickly. Super gets up a bit more slowly. Alicia with a standing dropkick that drives SuperCalofragilistic back into the corner where Sheila Lovejoy’s standing! Alicia charges in with a clothesline, and now she tags her partner.

Bob: Sheila moves in and drives her shoulder into Super’s gut. The ref orders her to break, and she steps back. SuperCalofragilistic moves away from the corner, and Sheila grabs an arm. Irish whip into the corner! Sheila charges in with a corner splash and — nobody home! Sheila hit the turnbuckle hard! Super tags out to Mysterious.

Chad: The little runt goes to the top. The little girl gets up — flying clothesline by Mysterious! Here’s the cover — she throws him off at one. Lovejoy to her feet, dropkick by Mysterious and Lovejoy is sent outside! Mysterious bounces off the opposite ropes for momentum, and here comes a springboard plancha — Lovejoy moves away just in time and Mysterious hits the rail hard! What an idiot!

Bob: That’s why they’re called high risk maneuvers, Chad. Sheila’s back to her feet, and she picks Mysterious up and slams him on the floor! Now she rolls him into the ring again. Lovejoy to the top rope, and she comes flying off with a frog splash! She rolls to her corner and tags Alicia Daniels in.

Jessie: It’s double team time! Sheila picks Mysterious up into a vertical suplex position and holds him there while Alicia climbs to the top rope! Missile drop kick by Alicia Daniels while Mysterious is in the suplex position, and he’s down! Alicia with a cover — SuperCalofragilistic with the save! But Sheila goes after Super! All four wrestlers are in the ring! Sheila whips Super into the ropes. He goes for a high cross body — and she catches him! Uh oh — she presses him overhead! Big gorilla slam by Sheila Lovejoy! Now Alicia Daniels has Mysterious up and — there’s a powerslam! Now she’s locked her legs around his head in a figure-four sleeper!

Bob: The ref’s checking. SuperCalofragilistic’s back up, but Sheila Lovejoy cuts him off! Bodyslam by Sheila, and she’s got SuperCalofragilistic in the same hold! The ref’s checking on Mysterious — there’s the bell! Mysterious and SupercCalofragilistic are both out! Double figure-four sleepers by Daniels and Lovejoy!

Duffer: The winners of the match, in 7:02, Sheila Lovejoy and Alicia Daniels!

Chad: What’s going on? Daniels and Lovejoy are going to work on the masks of the two Mexicans! Penny Lancaster has the ref in a conversation while the two little girls are pulling the masks off these losers! I like it!

Jessie: Daniels has pulled the mask off Ray Mysterious, while Sheila as pulled SuperCalofragilistic’s mask off! Here come Blue Thunder and White Lightning! They cover the Mexican’s faces with towels so they’re not seen —

Chad: Good thing too — those guys are ugleeeeee!

Jessie: — to keep them from getting embarrassed. Taking a wrestler’s mask is a huge insult in Mexico. I believe Nate McMahon is ready to interview the winners. Nate?

<Penny, Sheila, and Alicia crowd around Nate McMahon. SuperCalofragilistic’s mask is hanging from the side of Sheila’s bikini bottoms, while Ray Mysterious’ mask is hanging from the front of Alicia’s top.>

Nate: Thanks Jessie. Penny, these two young ladies have made a very impressive debut tonight.

Penny: You’re absolutely right, Nate. If the ICWF Juniors division doesn’t come about, I believe that Sheila and Alicia are ready for the big time.

Nate: Ladies, that was some match. But why did you take the masks off your opponents?

Alicia: <Giggles.> Gee, Mr. McMahon, I just wanted a souvenir! It looks so cool! And I think it’ll look really neat next to my poster of Shaquille O’Neil! <Giggles again.>

Sheila: <Giggles.> Like, I wanted a souvenir too! And I’m gonna like hang it from my ceiling, y’know? It’ll be a cool decoration for slumber parties! <Giggles.>

Alicia: Mr. McMahon, can I say hi to my sister?

Nate: Sure.

Alicia: <Giggles and waves.> Hi Patty! I won my first match! <She and Sheila laugh and squeal.>

Nate: <Cleans out an ear with one finger.> Thank you ladies, back to you Jess.

Jessie: This next match will show off the talented and favorite referee of the ICWF, Donna Quinn.

Bob: She’s facing a real menace, Iceberg, a self-styled martial arts expert.

Chad: Yeah, he’s a menace all right. A menace to himself. I hear he’s one’a them NWF yahoos.

Jessie: Donna needs this match to get back into wrestling, which she wants to do more often. Here’s Mike Duffer with the intros.

DONNA QUINN VS. ICEBERG

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is one fall with a 15 minute time limit. Introducing first, the favorite referee and former NCAA wrestling champion, from Jackson, MS, at 143 lbs., here’s the ever- beautiful Donna Quinn. (The fans go nuts for her as she runs down the aisle. In the ring she takes off the jacket to reveal a black thong with a black-and-white striped crop-top. Black boots and kneepads complete the ensemble.)

Duffer: Her opponent now making his way down the aisle; from the mysterious East, at 265 lbs., here’s the ever-dangerous Iiiiicceeberrrrgg! (He stalks down the aisle wearing a blue ninja outfit and goes through a series of kicks upon entering the ring. Donna tries not to laugh.) The referee is Putzi Falkenberg.

Jessie: Look at them glaring at each other. This could be really nasty. There’s the bell. They lock up and Ice pushes her against the ropes and immediately pummels her with forearms and knees her–low blow!

Bob: Come on, ref? Where’s the flag?

Chad: Will you shut up about flags? This ain’t football, you dimwit!

Jessie: Now Iceberg grabs her hair and tosses her across the ring and Donna looks like a dishrag up there. He throws her against the ropes, but she rolls under his clothesline and bounces off the ropes and decks him with a killer dropkick. What a shot to his kisser!

Chad: Well, looks like bozo is done for.

Jessie: He’s definitely reeling now, trying to beg for mercy. I’ll bet he’s faking. Donna drives a shoulder into his belly, then lifts him for an airplane spin. God, she’s spinning like a skater. Donna puts him down in the standing position.

Chad: What’s she doing?

Jessie: Iceberg is stumbling around the ring, and Donna backs off and runs up with a perfect, dead-on dropkick that sends him over the top rope and crashing to the floor. He’s barely moving. WOW! She’s up on the top rope and dives off with a perfect elbow drop to his belly. She quickly rolls him over and stomps his head into the floor. The ref is counting and she’s back in at 14, but Iceberg looks out cold.

Bob: She’s really demolishing Iceberg!

Chad: Let me guess, Boobsky: It makes you sick.

Bob: Uh…no, actually. I’m impressed.

Chad: NOW you’re learnin’!!!

Jessie: Now Donna’s rolling him back into the ring. She’s got him in her arms–backbreaker! Another! She drops him to his stomach, and straddles his back. She’s got her hands locked under his chin–good grief! She’s practically pulling him in half!

Bob: Nowhere to go for the ‘berg!

Jessie: And that’s it! Iceberg has waved his submission! But she’s not letting go, and the ref’s started his count. He’s up to four–and she finally relinquishes the hold.

Bob: She is focused, for sure. Looks like the singles ranks has something to worry about!

Duffer: The winner at 7:47, the fabulous Donna Quinn.

Jessie: Lisa is with Donna; take it away, Lise!

Lisa: Okay Jessie! That was a tough and vicious match tonight. What did you think of Iceberg?

Donna: He’s a slug and a good punching bag. But I’ll need better opponents than him if I’m to be a champion.

Lisa: Do you have your sights on a title?

Donna: Yes, I want Gretchen Gwynne’s title, and the sooner the better. You hear that Gwynne? This killer is coming for you!

Lisa: Take it easy, you’ll get to meet her!

Donna: Yeah, and when I do, she’ll be carried out in a box, all crumpled up! I’ve got to go now. See you and Jessie later?

Lisa: You bet. Back to you guys.

Bob: This next match will feature one of your favorites Chad! Kommando Karla is going against Randy Savant.

Chad: Just love rubbin’ my nose in it, don’tcha Brodsky? These yokels ain’t forgotten how she dumped me after Crazy 8’s!

Bob: That was the best move of her professional career.

Chad: <grumbles>

Jessie: Here’s Mike with the intros.

KOMMANDO KARLA VS. RANDY SAVANT

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is one fall with a 15 minute time limit. Introducing in the ring, from the weight room at the home of the great Airborne Army, Ft Bragg, NC, at a solid 169 lbs., here’s the mighty Kommando Karla. (The fans hate her and boo and jeer; she snarls at them and laughs at them. She wears a black thong with a camouflage crop top that’s filled to capacity, black kneepads, and black boots. Her tight body ripples with cut muscles and she flexes her arms for the crowd, who suddenly become very quiet. They know she means business and has won a big battle royal here.)

Duffer: And her opponent, from Sarasota, FL, at 248 lbs., here’s Randy Savant. (He struts down the aisle to Pomp and Circumstance #2 by Sir Edward Elgar; he wears a sparkling cape which he removes to reveal gold trunks and matching boots. The fans like him although he’s way over the hill.)

Chad: This should take about 2 minutes. I mean, Karla may have dumped me, but she’s still one helluva wrestler.

Bob: She got smart, didn’t she, Romero?

Chad: You better watch it–

Bob: Ha!

Jessie: There’s the bell, and Karla runs out and grabs Savant in a bearhug, lifting him off the mat and shaking him like a ragdoll. He pushes her face and drills a fist into her throat. She weakens and he smashes her throat again and gets out. A quick knee to her groin and he drags her to his corner and rams her face into the turnbuckle. Hey, who is this?

Chad: WOW! Yeah, who is she?

Jessie: It looks like Miss Eliza, who was Savant’s valet a few years back! She’s got Karla’s hair and is holding her while Savant bashes her head and chest with fists and forearms. The ref is breaking it up, but Eliza grabs her again and drives an elbow into her forehead!

Bob: The ref is being amazingly tolerant!

Jessie: Karla’s down and looks dazed. Randy Savant has started off with a bang, clearly mopping up the mat with Karla. Savant yanks her up by her hair and lifts her high for a big slam. WOW! That has to hurt! He hauls her up again and has her up–WAIT!!! Donna Quinn is in the ring and dropkicks Karla’s back, sending Savant backwards into the ropes and down! Eliza runs in, but Donna elbows her head and clamps on a side headlock. She yells to Karla who grabs Savants head and they run the two heads together!

Chad: Geez! I heard that thump over here!

Jessie: They’re both down, and Karla is kneeling on Savant’s throat while Donna has Eliza up and throws her over the top rope onto the floor! She cut her head open and is bleeding like a stuck pig.

Chad: Don’t look like she’ll be back!

Jessie: Karla is yelling at the ref to count, but he’s telling her to break. She stands and pulls Savant into a sitting position. She clamps on a claw hold into his trapezius muscles. He’s screaming, but won’t quit as Karla digs in with those powerful hands and forearms. Savant can’t break free, but does manage to reach the ropes and gets a foot over the bottom one. Karla releases, then hammers his head with an elbow. She pulls his hair and stands him up, then delivers a boot to his gut. She locks him into a standing headscissors, pulls him into the inverted position–and there’s her piledriver!

Chad: It’s all academic now.

Jessie: Karla settles astride his chest, and the count, 1……..2……..3, and it’s all over! Karla has beaten Randy Savant.

 Duffer: The winner at 8:47, the mighty Kommando KARLA!!!

Jessie: Here’s Lisa with the winner.

Lisa: Great win tonight. How do you feel about being back in the ICWF?

Karla: Very good, but this bum wasn’t even a good workout. His bimbo broad was tougher.

Lisa: That was really something the way Donna Quinn came in to help.

Karla: Yeah, I owe her one for that. I hate the way she refs, but boy can she dish it out. What a tag team we’d make. I gotta go, but I’ll see you later tonight with the others, right?

Lisa: Oh yes! Back to you Jessie.

Bob: What’s going on later?

Chad: Yeah! Can I get in on it?

Jessie: That’s just between us girls, fellas. And now, one of the more interesting new tag teams to form in the ICWF will be making their debut performance.

Chad: It’s Tori time! And that geek Anderson is coming out too.

MIKE ANDERSON/TERRIBLE TORI VS. WAVE WARRIORS

Michael Duffer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, at a combined weight of 446 pounds, Mike Anderson and Terrible Tori!

(Anderson and Tori come walking out arm and arm. The crowd can’t seem to make up its mind whether to boo or cheer.)

Bob: We’ve got some great competitors in from California to take this new tag team on. I doubt they have the experience to take Anderson on, but their tag team tactics might help them turn the tide. (Chad groans.)

Michael Duffer: And now, at a combined weight of 495 pounds, Cutter, and Surf, the WAVE WARRIORS!

(Cutter and Surf come out wearing blue and green Bermuda shorts and sneakers, carrying surfboards to the ring. They wave and smile at the crowd, who couldn’t care less.)

Bob: Mike Anderson is stepping out to confront Cutter. They shake hands cleanly and then circle around each other looking for an opening. Cutter comes forward to test Anderson’s strength. Anderson grabs him in an armlock. Cutter manages to get a reversal, but Anderson slips out and shoves him to the ropes, then power slams him on the rebound.

Chad: (Yawns)

Lisa: Cutter manages to get to his feet, and gets suplexed by Anderson. Anderson gets him in a headlock as he rises again, but Cutter wraps his arms around Anderson’s leg and drops him back first onto the mat. Cutter flashes a grin to the crowd– and Anderson is up, and he slams Cutter to the mat. Anderson reaches back for the tag.

Chad: Tori is in! She vaults over the top rope and slams into Cutters face with both feet! He rises in time to be caught by her flying headscissors. The wave wimp staggers to his feet and throws a punch at Tori’s face!

Bob: I think he was turning to face her. He looks groggy…

Chad: Tori grabs his hair and strong-arms him down face first onto her knee, then she hiptosses him over her shoulder! She puts her hands on her hips and waits for him to get up… scissor him, Tori!

Bob: She moves forward and snaps her legs around his head, she grabs his body, and does a piledriver! Ouch!

Chad: He’s just lying there. Tori looks annoyed. She is pushing him with her foot. Don’t prod babe! Kick!

Bob: Mike Anderson is waving to her and holding out his hand, but she smiles and shakes her head. This is a disgrace, she could have pinned him right there.

Lisa: Cutter is finally getting up, but it doesn’t look like he’s all there. Tori just grabbed a hold of his face and is moving closer. I think she just asked him if he was okay…

Bob: Maybe she isn’t as bad as I thought. Cutter nods and smiles, and Tori sends her knee smashing into his gut!

Chad: Now she’s got him in her arms, and swings him upside down… a tombstone piledriver! Cutter isn’t 6’2″ anymore! I’m betting maybe 6 feet even, how about you guys?

Bob: That makes me sick! How can she do that?

Chad: With these guys, it’s just too easy.

Bob: Mike is trying to get her to tag, but she isn’t looking at him. I think he just wants to tag to save those guys some grief.

Lisa: He isn’t moving, but Tori just walks back and leans on the ropes. Surf is yelling for his partner to get back up. Tori looks at him for a moment, then walks over to Cutter. She helps him back to his corner, then holds his limp arm up for the tag. Surf doesn’t look like he wants to get in the ring, but the fans are booing, and he tags.

Chad: Tori just gave a little cheer and grabbed him and hauled him over the ropes! He rolls to his feet, and Tori does a crescent kick that sends him rolling back across the ring.

Bob: He staggers backwards, then moves forward and snaps a headlock on her. She’s in trouble now.

Chad: Yeah, right. She kicks his right foot forward and she pivots so his back bounces off her knee! I don’t what this girl is doing with Mike Anderson. Scratch that, I know what she’s doing with him, I just wish she’d tag with somebody with some class, like Spanish Rose. Now there would be a combo!

Bob: Mike’s yelling to Tori and holding out his hand franticly. Tori waves at him and flashes that evil smile of hers. She grabs him by the waistband of his shorts and wraps her arm under his neck, hefts him up in the air, then slams him back down on her knee! She keeps him balanced there, then drops a double axhandle into his stomach. Now she pushes him off her knee. Can’t the ref just stop the match?

Chad: He wouldn’t dare! He’s starting to get on all fours, but Tori straddles his back, then drops her hips onto his neck, facing forwards. She reaches back and grabs his legs, pulling up until his feet reach her back. This looks like something new coming.

Bob: Now she’s squeezing her legs together and mashing his head in. She leans forward onto her knees. All of his weight is pressing down on his head. Now, oh my god, she’s getting up with his head still wedged between her thighs. She’s holding him with his legs pulled under her arms and his head sticking out between her legs. She leaps forward and lands on his head! Is he still alive?

Chad: A reverse piledriver! I love it! Tori puts her foot lightly on his chest and does a double bicep pose while she grins at the crowd, and the ref counts. Take all day, ref.

Bob: Mike just jumped in and pulls her off of him while they check to see if he’s ok. She gets out of the ring. She just got back in with a surfboard, and she snaps it in two over her knee! I can’t believe the crowd is cheering… this… this… disgusting farce.

Chad: Tori’s blowing kisses to her fans. Ain’t she great? Let’s see if Nate can get a word with the winners.

Nate: Uh, some win guys. Any words for the fans?

Tori: Hey Avenger, this match is for you! See you soon.

Mike Anderson: You– you– I can’t believe you did —

Tori: What?

Mike Anderson: You destroyed that board, I mean him, I mean–

Tori: Hush. <She kisses her finger, then presses it against his lips.>

Nate: <Looks sick> You mean you practically killed those guys just to send a message to the Masked Avenger?

Tori: No, I also did it because it was fun. And one of them tried to punch me in the face. Can you imagine? <She pouts.> I mean, really, who would want to punch me in the face?

Nate: After this, nobody. Back to you, guys. I’ve gotta go….

Jessie: Thanks, Nate. See ya later! Our next bout features a pair of, um, exotic competitors, to say the least. It features the “Lavender Lover” himself, Venus, against the beautiful–and uninhibited–Godiva Rage. Let’s get the intros!

GODIVA RAGE VS. VENUS

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a twenty-minute contest to go to pinfall or submission. Introducing first…from the Age of Rage…here is Godiva Rage!

(“Bring the Pain” by Method Man pumps over the PA system as Godiva Rage prances out in her fur coat again. The caramel-skinned biracial girl blows kisses to the fans and teases stripping right there in front of everybody.)

Duffer: And coming to the ring…he is the Lavender Lover himself. Please welcome…Venus!!!

(“I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls is played over the loud system.. and the room goes dark with only a lavender spotlight that follows Venus down the aisle and into the ring.. He walks around the ring, kisses various members of the audience before getting into the ring. He pulls something out of his rope and ties his hair back into a ponytail.

Jessie: This should prove to be an interesting contest… Venus slowly removes his robe… he winks over at Godiva, who then begins to… for a lack of better terms… undress… off comes the fur and she’s wearing that black bikini with the chains again… they walk to the middle of the ring where the referee is giving them instructions..

Bob: They are staring each other down… that’s for sure.

Chad: So naive, Boob… the sexual tension is mounting here.

Bob: Shut up… what the??

Jessie: We’re paid to call this action, boys… let’s… um… at least try to do that… Godiva with the first move as she steps forward and runs her tongue along the neck of Venus… and…

Bob and Chad: WHOA!

Jessie: Legsweep faceslam by Godiva, starts this wrestling match. Godiva off the ropes, and Venus with a shoulderblock. Venus off the ropes and Godiva hits him with a powerslam. Venus with a headlock.

Chad: He’s running his fingers through her hair!

Bob: C’mon… the ref should stop this match before I get sick…

Jessie: Venus with a thumb to the throat and Godiva’s in trouble, as she drops to her back… Venus grabs her legs and begins to spin her around and around… and around… and around… and he let’s go and Godiva slides out under the bottom rope to the floor.

Chad: That’s an interesting move.

Jessie: Venus with a running start rebounds off the top rope with a somersault splash on Godiva… but Venus hits his head hard on the floor as well. Venus slow to get up. He grabs a handful of Godiva’s hair and he’s…

Bob: That’s not wrestling!

Chad: I’m a bit envious… Venus slides his tongue along the ear of Godiva and he rolls her back into the ring.

Jessie: *gulp* Venus back in the ring now… he whips her into the ropes… Godiva ducks a clothesline… and nails Venus with a back suplex. Venus gets to his feet and is nailed with a superkick. Godiva sets up for a Tombstone… but…

Chad: He’s biting her on the thigh!!

Bob: I really shouldn’t be here…

Jessie: Godiva in pain… Venus with a drop kick… and he sets her up for… what’s this a piledriver?

Chad: He’s got her set up… but he’s rubbing her back…and her…

Jessie: Are we still on the air? Finally Venus lifts her up… what’s this a crucifix slam? No… Crucifix into a powerbomb by Venus… one… two… kickout by Godiva.

Chad: What’s our rating anyways? I think we went up a couple of ratings for this show.

Jessie: Venus off the ropes… but Godiva nails him with a spinebuster slam. And she sets him up again… and nails a Tombstone. Godiva straddles him… and kisses him! One… two… three!! Godiva with a win here tonight.

Bob: Finally… now what?

Chad: Venus has rolled her over and is kissing her now! He slides out of the ring… what’s this?

Venus grabs a mic: Godiva, love… next time… I get to be on top… *wink*

Chad: He lost… and he’s smiling!

Bob: Disgusting…

Jessie: Perhaps we can get a few words with Godiva Rage… I need something to drink.

Godiva: Ooh la, wot a match, eh? Venus, darlin’, it didn’t last long enough, though. You’ve got to work on your stamina. But I must say, you’re one ace wrestler. And I didn’t even get the pleasure of your small package. But ducky, as far as you being on top, well, I’m always the jockey never the gee-gee. Blowing you a kiss, ‘diva. I want a rematch. I hear the Greco-Roman wrestlers used to compete naked. That’s an idea, innit. Would you wrestle me in the Greek fashion? Would you ride me? Please.

Godiva makes a lewd kiss and slurping noise before leaving, still teasing undressing.

Chad: Whoo! Now THAT’S not somethin’ you see every day!

Bob: Yes, thank God. That was disgusting!

Chad: Bob, once mommy teaches you about the birds and bees, you might appreciate what you just saw.

Bob: What do “birds” and “bees” have to do with this? I’m confused!

Chad: Oh, brother….

Jessie: Anyway, our next encounter features a pair of up-and-comers in the ICWF, the Masked Avenger, and the awesome Elena Quartermain.

Bob: That is a very arrogant woman. Why, if it wasn’t for this darn knee, I’d teach her a thing or two.

Chad: What, how to cry for mercy? “Oh please Elena, don’t break my arm.”

Bob: Romero, if you don’t knock it off I’m gonna —

Jessie: Guys, if you don’t knock it off you’re going to make me mad. I don’t really think you’d like that.

Chad and Bob: Sorry Jessie.

MASKED AVENGER VS. ELENA QUARTERMAIN

<Beethoven’s 5th starts to play in the background, as a man in a white mask walks down the aisle to some mixed applause from the fans.>

Duffer: At 6’1″ and 205 pounds, in the white mask and blue trunks, from parts unknown, the MAASSSSKED AVENNNNNNNGERRRRRR! <The music stops abruptly and is replaced by the sounds of a jungle — birds, monkeys, the roar of a lion His opponent, at 5’11” and 165 pounds, the Great White Huntress, ELENA QUARRRRTERMAINNNNN!

<Elena comes out, dressed as we’ve just seen her, snapping her bullwhip left and right. The fans are mixed in their reaction, some cheering and some booing.>

Jessie: Elena leaves her whip and hat outside the ring as she enters. There’s the bell. The Avenger offers a handshake, but Elena disdainfully waves him away.

Bob: What a sportsman the Masked Avenger is.

Chad: What a dweeb!

Jessie: The Avenger locks up with Elena. They’re testing each other, looking for weaknesses.

Chad: I can tell you the Avenger’s weakness — it’s that lump three feet above his butt!

Bob: Huh?

Chad: His head, moron! The same weakness as you! Now the Avenger moves to a top wristlock and tries to put some pressure on, but Elena just flings him halfway across the ring. He does a fancy little kick up — now Elena moves in for a pick up — inside cradle by the Avenger! Elena kicks out at one and glares at the dweeb! If there’s one thing you shouldn’t do, it’s get Elena mad.

Bob: Quartermain grabs the Avenger’s arm and whips him into the ropes — it’s reversed. Drop toehold by the Avenger as Elena comes off the ropes. He tries to lock her legs up — she breaks the hold with brute strength. Now they’re back up to their feet. The Avenger with a single leg pickup, he tries for a stepover toehold, but Elena kicks him off and he flies into the corner!

Jessie: Nice show of strength by Elena Quartermain. She advances on the Avenger, but he slips away and gets behind her. Waistlock — belly-to-back suplex! Nice move by the Masked Avenger. Both wrestlers back on their feet — the Avenger tries another single leg, but Elena smashes him between the shoulders with a double sledge! Now she’s got a handful of mask and pulls him up — short clothesline and the Avenger goes down!

Chad: Hah! Mr. “Amateur moves are best” is on his back! Atta girl Elena! She picks him up and whips him into the corner. Now she nails him with a shoulder to the gut! There’s a chop! Another! Now she brings her foot up and she’s choking him out with it in the corner!

Bob: That isn’t legal! Come on ref, blow the whistle!

Chad: Ah, she’s got until five to break — and she breaks on four! How’s that for fair play? The zebra’s trying to lecture her, but Elena ain’t having none. Man, she’s got nice arms, doesn’t she?

Jessie: She’d better pay attention to the match. The Avenger’s recovered from her attack, and he rolls her up from behind! Elena kicks out at two, but that was close. The Avenger gets up — and runs right into another clothesline! There’s a pickup — body slam by Elena Quartermain! She heads for the top rope!

Bob: Look! The Avenger’s up already! He’s scrambling up the ropes right behind her — here comes the Avengerplex!

Chad: The what?

Bob: His version of superplex! He hits it! The Avenger hooks a leg! One, two —

Chad: KICKOUT! With authority! Now Elena’s really going to let this wimp have it! Big punch to the jaw! The Avenger’s down!

Bob: That was a closed fist!

Chad: Of course — that’s what a punch is, Boobsky!

Jessie: Elena picks the Avenger up — she presses him over her head and tosses him to the floor! She’s going right after him. There’s an elbow drop off the apron that nails the Avenger right in the sternum! She picks him up with a bearhug and rams his back into the edge of the ring! Again! The Avenger’s spine must be hurting now! Now Elena presses him overhead again and tosses him over the second rope into the ring!

Chad: I told you it wasn’t a good idea to get Elena mad. It’s time for a little fun now. Elena wraps her legs around the Masked Doofus’s waist and lifts him off the mat — butt bounce! Now she’s working the scissors, bending those ribs!

Jessie: And the Avenger’s in a lot of pain! Elena might get the submission with this hold — but she unlocks her ankles and lets him go! Now she’s parading around the ring, showing off.

Bob: That cost Black Mamba against the Avenger. He’s getting up, though he still looks somewhat shaky. Now he moves in — but Elena turns around and slugs him in the jaw again! These closed fists have got to be dealt with!

Chad: Ah, what a load of crap! Only wimps complain about that stuff! Elena’s putting on a show now — side suplex! Pickup — belly-to-belly suplex! Pickup — backbreaker! Ooh, he’s gonna feel THAT in the morning.

Jessie: And Elena Quartermain continues putting on a wrestling clinic — anyone who thinks she can’t wrestle is sadly mistaken. There’s an armlock, she continues into a chicken wing, now a trip and the Avenger goes down on his face. She’s got his arm barred, now she traps the other arm. She turns him onto his shoulders — double armbar pin! There’s the count — and it’s over! Elena Quartermain proves a point, pinning the Masked Avenger with a great amateur move! But now what’s she doing?

Chad: Doing just what she said — she didn’t knock the goof out before she beat him, but she’s gonna do it now! Excuse me — <leaves>

Jessie: Our colleague is going down to the ring — he’s distracting the referee! That leaves Elena free to continue her punishment! Forearm by Elena! Now a series of knees to the midsection! There’s a scoop and a one-armed bodyslam!

Bob: This is a disgrace! Now what?

Jessie: Elena draws a finger across her throat — I guess that means it’s time for the Coup de Grace. She pulls the Avenger up and presses him overhead — THERE IT IS! Gorilla press into a piledriver! Now she kneels over the Avenger’s head, crosses his hands across his chest and pins him with one hand!

Bob: Now what’s Romero doing?

Jessie: He’s in the ring, and now he slaps the mat three times! I guess that makes it official for Elena Quartermain, as she’s pinned the Masked Avenger twice. She is hauling him up. Looks like Elena is about to take her trophy.

Bob: But here come Thunder and Lightning! They are jumping in to help the Avenger out!

Chad: And Elena does a flying double clothesline and they both go down! She’s going to get a great start on her collection of masks tonight. Lightning gets up first, and Elena gets a standing headscissors, then piledrives him! Now thunder goes down. Elena turns and walks across the ring. She’s taking off the mask.

Bob: Oh my god! It’s Nate!

Chad: Now I know why he was limping. Now Elena is picking him up and draping his body over her shoulder in a fireman’s carry. He looks like he’s just coming around, but he still can’t move well after that piledriver.

Jessie: Elena’s holding the Avenger’s mask up, now she tucks it into the waistband of her shorts. Thunder and Lightning manage to roll out of the ring, and they are making their way out of the auditorium. Somebody get Chad a mike.

Chad: Terrific match, Elena! You really showed that wimp how to wrestle!

Elena: (Dropping him from her shoulders, then holding him up so she looks into his face while she speaks.) Welcome to professional wrestling Avenger. Now your mask, like so many others, will hang on the wall of my trophy room! How did you like it, Avenger? I pinned you without knocking you out at first, beating you at your own game. I even used an amateur wrestling hold to pin you. I crushed your body until your ribs bent! I beat you so badly you won’t recover for a week! THEN I knocked you out and pinned you again! How does it feel, Avenger? How does it feel to be totally helpless? You gave me your best, you were even able to use your Avengerplex on me, but it didn’t help, did it? I was too much for you. I’m too much for anybody to handle. Any fools who gets in the ring will get the same treatment — and become just another trophy on my wall!

Chad: Hey Nate, any comment? (Elena hoists him back into a fireman’s carry, steps over the top rope and drops down to the floor, then walks away.) Didn’t think so….

Bob: I–I mean, can she–you know, just carry him away like that?

Chad: (Re-seating himself.) She can do whatever she wants–she beat ‘im!

Bob: B-but there’s no telling what excruciating tortures he’ll have to endure!

Chad: Yeah, well, the Penultimate Dragon came back with painted toenails and a smile, if that tells you about the ‘excruciating tortures’ he’s in for.

Bob: Oh…<Raises his eyebrows and frowns.> Oh!

Jessica: Next up, folks, we have the long awaited return of former intercontinental champ, Arlechino…

Chad: Speak for yourself. (Does a gansta impersonation.) Ya, I’m, like, down wit da homeboys. Let’s get Sid in here so he can crush this jobber.

Bob: Try and remember Arlechino is a former champion, Chad.

Chad: Ya, and who beat him for that title? Spanish Rose. Need I say more?

Bob: Let’s go down to ringside for the introductions.

SID MCKNIGHT VS. ARLECHINO

Mike Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall, twenty minute time limit. Introducing first, making his way to the ring area…weighing in at 452 pounds. Here is Sid MCKNIGHT!!

(The monstrous Sid comes down to ringside, decked out in his futuristic-looking armor. As he hits the ring, fireworks shoot off from the armor, and flames shoot into the air.)

Bob: Spectacular entrance from Sid McKnight…doesn’t he usually have a manager, though?

Chad: Yeah, but none of us can remember his name, so he got dropped. Something about copyright infringement.

Bob: I’m sure he was a very Bad Boy.

Mike Duffer: And, his opponent… (The crowd starts to cheer.) Hailing from Brooklyn, New York, and weighing in at 247 lbs…(“The Last Assassin” By Cypress Hill grinds out from the PA system.) This is ARLECHINO!!!

(A man steps out from the curtains, dressed in a leather/grunge combo. His face is covered by a mask, decorated with slash marks.)

Chad: And the clown…or sorry, da hood, coming down to ringside without his best girl. Wonder if there’s a little tension in the ranks?

Jessie: Do you ever stop spreading rumors, Romeo?

Chad: Do you actually go out with any of the wrestlers who ask you, Jessie?

Bob: That was uncalled for, Romero.

Chad: Yeah, but I got a good one, didn’t I?

Jessica: To answer your question, Chad…the lucky ones, yes. The bell rings… and Sid charges the gangsta before the bell! A flurry of rights and lefts from the big man, and Arlechino looks fazed. He takes a hike to the outside!

Chad: New gimmick, same old loser.

Bob: Sort of like you and new glasses, eh Chad?

Chad: Why, if it wasn’t for this bum knee, I’d…

A slight pause as the commentators digest that weird moment. In the meantime, Arlechino is running from Sid, leading him on a merry chase around the ring. Bob: Arlechino back in the ring, Sid following, and Arlechino charges in! He takes it to the big man with karate chops! And a superkick! And another! Sid not going down.

Chad: He might, if he was facing a real opponent…

Jessie: Arlechino with a suicide clothesline! He and Sid go tumbling out to the floor! This is definitely a new Arlechino we’re seeing tonight, folks.

(The match continues for almost over 15 minutes, as the two competitors hammer at each other. Sid manages to get the upper hand often, but Arlechino always comes back with some sort of dangerous, high-risk move.)

Bob: We’re nearing the 18-minute mark, and both men still going at it. I’m impressed Sid can hang on this long. Big men usually don’t have much endurance.

Chad: Hey, time limits don’t mean anything when you’re a Psycho!

Jessie: Psycho…Sid. Psycho Sid, hey, guys do you think that might work?

Bob: (Pause that might indicate he’s thinking.) Nah, no one’d believe it.

Chad: And the choking punk is battering away rather ineffectually at the giant Sid.

Jessie: Sid’s down on one knee, Chad. I’d hardly call that ineffective.

Bob: And Arlechino dropping the big man to his knees. Now a charge to the opposite ropes…and Sid pulls the ref in the way! The referee takes the blow meant for Sid McKnight!

Chad: And the obnoxious one not pausing in his assault at all. He pulls the big McKnight to his feet. A whip to the ropes…big dropkick! Sid McKnight to the outside!

Jessie: And Arlechino now trying to wake up the ref…Whataminute, who’s coming down to ringside?

Bob: It’d better not be…

Chad: It is!! HAH, Spaz coming down to ringside ta get funky with da bad-ash Ar-boy.

Bob: You have something against the English Language, Chad? Spaz coming to ringside, and taunting Arlechino! He doesn’t seem very anxious to enter the ring, does he?

Jessie: And Arlechino noticing Spaz…and the newcomer turns his back on Arlechino to help Sid McKnight to his feet! Sid’s back up, and now the two of them having some kind of conference. This can’t be good for the street clown…

Bob: Or McKnight and Spaz! Arlechino charging…PLANCHA DIVE!! OH MY GOD, HE NAILED THEM BOTH! Did you see that!!

Chad: I saw, I saw! Arlechino now pounding on Spaz…and the REAL street punk fighting back. The ref’s up now…he looks at what’s going on outside, and waves for the bell!

Jessie: That has to be a disqualification. The ref wasn’t awake long enough for a count out.

Bob: Let’s go to Mike for the official word.

Mike Duffer: Wrestling fans, the time limit on this match has expired. It has been declared a draw!

Bob: Neither Spaz nor Arlechino seem to care much about the decision. They’re both brawling back to the locker rooms. Sid McKnight, on the other hand, seems to be resting comfortably on the concrete floor.

Jessie: This has got to affect the ongoing situation with Arlechino and Spaz. We’ll keep you updated as to what’s going on. Up next, though, we have a whopper for you. It features two top tag team contenders, the Dreamgirls against the mighty Dogs of War!

Chad: The Dogs are gonna kill these prom queens! They don’t got a clue what they’re gettin’ into.

Bob: Hey, now, these girls have a lot of heart and spunk–

Chad: SPUNK?!? There you go again! I HATE spunk!!!

DOGS OF WAR VS. DREAMGIRLS

Michael Duffer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, with a time limit of 30 minutes! Coming to the ring, with their manager Soultaker, at a combined weight of 584 pounds, Cerberus and Fenris, the DOOOOOOOOOOOGS… of WAAAAAAAAAAR!

(Boos rain down as the Dogs make their way to ringside.)

Chad: I always thought Cerberus had three heads… I wonder where the other two went… don’t answer that Bob…

MD: And their opponents, at a combined weight of 257 pounds, with manager Andrea Cantor, Kelly Kandelski and Jessica Spangles… the DREEEEEEEEEEEAMGIRRRRRRRRRRLS!

(The crowd pops bigtime as Kelly, Jessica, and Andrea walk down to Heart’s “These Dreams.” Jessica is intensely focused on the task awaiting her, while Kelly seems a bit more relaxed as she high-fives fans on the way down.)

Jessie: Jessica Spangles wants a piece of the Dogs… and Andrea gives her the chance, as Spangles will open against Cerberus. Spangles tries to hit with a vertical suplex, but not quite the power to do it…

Chad: Of course not–like any woman could do that to someone his size.

Bob: Not even Spanish Rose?

Chad: (mumble)

Jessie: Cerberus did not like Jessica’s daring, and pitched her out. A kick to the head and Jessica’s down.

Chad: Cerberus climbs to the top of the buckle. They’ll have to call her Jessica Splatters now!

Andrea: MRA ARRBA!

Jesse: Spangles gets her manager’s meaning and raises a knee to Cerebus’ splash– think they’re both n some pan there.

Bob: As the referee counts toward 10, it’s gut check time for both of them… and it’s A’s all around, as the action heads back into the ring.

Jesse: Spangles lands a heart punch, and then goes around behind… superplex, and a cover!

Chad: Not this early, as Cerberus makes the easy kickout on 2. Desperation move by Spangles, knowing she’s in trouble if this goes on a while.

Jessie: Good point. The Dogs have the power advantage on this match, so they could wear Jessica down. On the other hand, Kelly Kandelski is much tougher to exhaust, so the canines don’t necessarily want a marathon either.

Bob: Now Jessica turns it into a street fight, which is her style, but her opponent’s also. And Cerberus is getting the better of it, as the former TV champ gets whipped into the ropes. A clothesline, and an enzuilariato… and he eats turnbuckle, as Jessica goes under. Come now, Cerberus, did you think you had a clue how to do that?

Jessie: Jessica takes the opportunity to tag in Kelly Kandelski, and in the meantime, Fenris sneaks in.

Chad: BOOM! Double flying clothesline, and Kandelski is seeing stars.

Bob: Looks like the feeling’s about to be mutual! Kelly gets up and… hugs him?

Chad: Obviously, she knows a good man when she sees one.

Jessie: Not quite–more like a good chance for a gutwrench suplex, as her freestyle training with Alan Peterson begins to pay off. She’s going up… and lands a middle-rope elbowdrop.

Chad: Hah! Compared to Mother Mary Superior, that’s child’s play!

Jessie: For those of you unfamiliar with that reference, she was an EWWA competitor who did that move backwards as her finisher. Kelly prefers technical and martial arts moves, though, so her air attacks are a bit less high-risk. A cover… Cerberus pops up and rolls Kandelski into a small package, but Kandelski kicks out on two, and Fenris tags in for the Dogs of War.

(Kelly stays in for a while, fending off the assaults of both Dogs of War, one at a time; Soultaker’s minions made one effort at a double-team, but Jessica Spangles made the cutoff. For the most part, neither her technical moves nor the Dogs’ power attacks seemed to do much.

At the 8 minute mark, Jessica Spangles came back in and promptly scored five straight two-counts on Cerberus. Fenris moved in for a double-team while Soultaker kept Kelly from coming to her partner’s rescue; but after Fenris left, Jessica resumed the assault.)

Bob: Beautiful strategy by the Dreamgirls–almost as beautiful as they are… Kelly stayed in and wore both Dogs down, and then sent in the fresh Jessica to carve Cerberus into dog meat.

Chad: That makes me sick!

Jessie: Bob, there are children watching this! Anyway, a tiger suplex leads to yet another cover, but Cerberus raises the shoulder on one.

Chad: Looks like the old dog still has some fight in him.

Bob: Whip to the ropes… and a double foul, er, double clothesline pancakes both wrestlers. Fenris comes in to take advantage of the situation. WHERE’S THE FLAG???

Chad: It ain’t cheatin’ if you don’t get caught, and considering who’s refereeing, I don’t think he’ll get caught!

Jessie: Again Kelly Kandelski is unable to help, and I think Spangles is hurt! Cerberus comes down with a flying fist… and lands it perfectly onto the canvas.

Bob: That doesn’t sound too perfect to me! Jessica opens up with another series of suplexes…

Chad: She fools two of his heads, but on the third try, Cerberus makes the block, and goes upstairs…

Bob: A knee into the stomach again, and Jessica is calling for the Avenging Angel!

Jessie: This is a new move for this, but the Vision and her old partner Denise Dean used it as their finisher as MIW’s Dark Avengers. Jessica picks him up from behind… and there’s a superplex, part one. Kelly is on the buckle, and Jessica reaches up for the tag… big splash! And now the final step, as Kandelski locks in a figure four. Soultaker is searching the Dark Laptop for a countermove, Fenris is being held up by Andrea Cantor… and there’s the bell!

MD: Here are your winners, in a time of 13:23, by submission… the DREEEAMGIRRLS!

(Screaming all around from the Little Dreamers, as Lisa Madison comes down to interview the winners.)

Lisa: First up, congratulations. You just beat one heck of a tag team.

Jessica: That oughta format his hard drive! (Points to Soultaker)

Kelly: Speaking of which, I think we’re on it now…

Jessica: Fine with me! Send ’em on, Soultaker, we’ll knock ’em down!

Lisa: Any more plans from here?

Kelly: Well, I think if we can beat one more pair of contenders, we should be getting a title shot pretty soon… and if anyone decides to challenge us, Feminine Force is ready and waiting to defend the triples belts.

Lisa: That’s it from here. Back to you, Jessie!

Jessie: Big time main event as the Psycho Starlet puts the ICWF title on the line against former champ Masked Marauder.

Bob: She shouldn’t even BE champion…Marauder was robbed.

Chad: Oh, I am TIRED of hearing that whining. She beat the Marauder fair and square.

Jessie: Umm….ANYWAY….let’s go down to the ring for the introductions.

ICWF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: GRETCHEN GWYNNE VS. MASKED MAURADER

Duffer: Ladies and Gentlemen…this is a one fall contest with a one hour time limit…it is for the ICWF World Championship. Introducing first, the challenger…

(Marauder’s entrance here.)

And his opponent….

(The crowd erupts into boos as the opening drums of “Mickey” by Toni Basil begin to play.)

>From Every Man’s Fantasies….weighing in at 124lbs….led to the ring by her manager, the International Manager of Champions, the Kingpin…

(He steps out of the curtain, immaculately dressed, carrying a gold-headed cane.)

Representing the Syndicate….here is the UNDEFEATED……UNDISPUTED….. World Television and ICWF World Champion…..”Gorgeous” Gretchen GWWWWWYYYYYYYYNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(She steps out, dressed in a red and yellow cheerleader’s outfit. She has pompoms on her shoes, and has the World belt around her waist, and the World TV title over her shoulder. She ponies to the ring.)

Bob: What in the hell is with this get up?

Jessie: The Psycho Starlet in cheerleader’s gear tonight…let’s see….that makes a boxer, a cheerleader, a lingerie model…

Chad: A champion…

Jessie: Indeed. Like her or not, she’s got the belt.

Chad: Two of them.

Bob: Oh, let’s not start that. She’s not the TV champ.

Chad: Oh, yes she is.

Jessie: ANYWAY….there’s the bell, and here we go….collar and elbow tie up…. Masked Marauder whips Gretchen Gwynne into the ropes…Gwynne misses with an elbow…Marauder misses with a clothesline…..leapfrog by Gwynne….duck down by Marauder….Gwynne with another leapfrog…and HUGE dropkick by the champ! Marauder reeling….and she DUMPS THE MARAUDER TO THE FLOOR!

Bob: This is going to be an UGLY night…

Jessie: Gretchen goes through the ropes…she’s got the Marauder on his feet…whip to the post….NO! The Marauder reverses and Gretchen just ran full speed into the post!

Bob: Oh, she’s hurt, Jess.

Jessie: Masked Marauder throws Gretchen Gwynne into the ringsteps! He’s picking them up!

Chad: This should be a disqualification!

Jessie: I don’t think you’re going to see one of those tonight. WOW! Marauder just dumped the stairs on top of Gwynne! She’s really hurt now…kicking the stairs off….and OH NO!

Bob: Good night, Gretchen!

Jessie: Choke slam on the concrete by the Marauder! Gwynne is knocked out.

Chad: Don’t count the champ out yet.

Jessie: Marauder back into the ring…no, just stopping the count and he’s back on the floor with a fresh 20. He’s on the apron…YOW! Vader bomb by the Marauder off the apron to the floor!

Bob: I smell new champ!

Chad: No, Bob. You just smell.

Jessie: Masked Marauder executes the Super Slam on the floor! She’s not going to be able to walk straight after this match!

Bob: She’s not going to be able to walk at all!

Jessie: Marauder with a press slam position….and throws her back into the ring. That’s just smart wrestling by the Marauder. Get her in the ring and keep her there. Marauder back into the ring now…whip to the ropes…Gretchen catching his legs and HOT SHOT!

Chad: Now we’re gonna see the champ in action!

Jessie: Desperation move by Gretchen and now they’re both down. Referee counting both the Marauder and the champ now. 10….15….

Bob: Is this going to be a double count out?

Chad: No! Gretchen’s on her feet!

Jessie: Gwynne on her feet….stomping away at the Marauder now….she’s really hurt though, guys.

Bob: We’re gonna have a new champ here, and Gretchen’s undefeated streak is coming to an end.

Jessie: She whips Marauder to the ropes…Gretchen with a tilt-a-whirl suplex…NO! What a counter! Enzuilariato by the Marauder and Gretchen is down. He’s going to the top rope…

Bob: Bad idea for the big man…this could be a mistake…

Jessie: Coming off….747….NO! Gwynne rolls out of the way! She’s up on her feet now…

Bob: Second wind?

Jessie: Might be all she needs. She’s got him on his feet….running to the ropes…flying clothesline! NO! Marauder ducked!

Bob: This match is a classic, guys.

Jessie: Both superstars down now…and I’m REALLY surprised that the managers haven’t gotten involved in this one. Both of them known for meddling in ring affairs.

Chad: Neither of them need the help. This is a great match.

Jessie: Marauder to his feet….pressing Gwynne…no! Look at her kick her feet! She slides down his back….spins him around….INSIDE CRADLE!

One!

TWO!

THREE!

Bob: Was that a three?

Chad: It was two….two….

Jessie: SO close, but the Marauder kicked out…and now he’s on his feet…referee out of position….LOW BLOW BY GWYNNE!

Bob: I felt that from here!

Chad: He’s gonna feel that tomorrow!

Jessie: Marauder doubled over in pain….Gwynne to her feet….she’s got him locked…PILEDRIVER!

Chad: Good night, Marauder.

Jessie: A second piledriver! A third!

Bob: This one is over.

Jessie: A fourth piledriver! Foster’s on the apron!

Chad: Get him down from there!

Bob: Wham! The Kingpin just took Foster’s knees out with that cane, and Foster’s down on the floor.

Jessie: A fifth piledriver by Gwynne, and now there’s the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

 THREE!

Chad: I told you! I told you!

Jessie: Big win for the champ.

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen…..your winner by pinfall…..and still the UNDEFEATED….UNDISPUTED ICWF CHAMPION OF THE WORLD……”GORGEOUS” Gretchen GWYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Jessie: Gwynne in the ring kissing the belts and holding them up to the crowd, and she really pulled that one out.

Bob: Well, it was all Marauder for a while there, but Gretchen caught him off guard and stuck him with the Fivedriver, and it was all over from there.

Chad: Undefeated. Still. Got to love this girl.

Jessie: The Psycho Starlet victorious tonight, and let’s see if we can get words with Kris Erickson in the locker room. Kris?

(Camera switches to Kris Erickson, surrounded by The Kingpin, Gretchen Gwynne, Beth Bragalone, Fury, and the Samoan Soldiers. They are all celebrating.)

Kris: I’m here with the Syndicate…champ?

Beth: UNDEFEATED BABY! Woooooooo-HAH!

Kris: Champ?

Gretchen: Oh, Krissy baby, you know, you really know how to spoil a party. What’s with the cameras?

Kris: A few words, champ?

Gretchen: Fine, fine. Marauder, chump, that was your last shot at the belt. You suck, you lost, and I proved it. Now go home, bury your head in the sand, and wait for the next millennium, because I’m done with you.

Caray: I hear Arlechino’s looking for competition, chump.

(They all laugh.)

Kris: What’s next for you, champ?

Gretchen: Not the Vision in Violet, that’s for sure. Honey, you can get the commissioner to hem and haw all you want, but the fact of the matter is, you’ve never beaten me, could never beat me, and will never beat me, so don’t go calling yourself champ. Next for me, well, let’s see….probably that Snake girl, or whatever she likes to call herself. She’s got my belt, you know?

Kris: So you’re still on the unification thing?

Gretchen: It’s not a THING, Kris. It’s a quest. I am going to beat every last “champion” this league has. It’s what I do. Except for Spanish Rose, that is. She belongs to Bethy here.

(Beth flexes HUGE biceps in front of the camera.)

Kris: So the Syndicate is planning to take over the ICWF?

Kingpin: Get real, Kris. This isn’t some lame NWO shit here. This is the real world, and in the real world, you have to beat the best to be the best. That’s what Gretchen’s going to do. Sidewinder, bring our belt to the ring. Period.

Kris: I guess that’s it from the Syndicate. Back to you, Jessie.

Jessie: That was quite a statement from the current World’s Champion, Gretchen Gwynne, proving that she is NO fluke as champion. Who’s going to step up to the plate and take the next swing at her? Only time will tell! We’re out of time here, fans, but until next time, for my broadcast colleagues, this is Jessie James saying, “So long!”