Matches featuring Medusa Rage, Godiva Rage, Python Princess, Venus and more.
(The screen goes black. Grinding music shakes your television to its sub-woofers as the ICWF logo comes spinning out towards you. It stops dead-center, as gloss ripples across it from left to right. It explodes into metallic fragments, to be replaced by the words “SQUASH CITY”. This fades out, to open on Jessie, Bob, Chad, and Lisa, seated at a desk, with the show’s logo emblazoned on the wall of the studio behind them.)
[Jessie] Hello, everybody, and welcome to the first episode of the ICWF’s newest program, Squash City! I’m Jessie James, and joining me are my broadcast colleagues, Bob Brodsky, Chad “Romeo” Romero, and “Luscious” Lisa Madison. Squash City will present matches featuring your favorite ICWF superstars in action, where they will showcase their skills for the world to see. Lisa?
[Lisa] That’s right, Jessie. Squash City may not provide much suspense by way of match outcomes, but it presents a GREAT opportunity for the big names in the ICWF to put their talents on display, as well as issue big challenges for their opponents!
[Chad] Don’t forget, boys and girls–these shows’ll appear on an erratic basis, and will vary in length, but it’s a great way to combine the squashes and interviews together when they come in from our arenas and shows around the country that a lotta you fans wouldn’t get to see.
[Jessie] Let’s go to our first match! It features Medusa Rage versus Bulk Hogan.
[Chad] Well, a real number is coming up next. The baddest woman I’ve ever seen in wrestling is coming after the Bulkster. I wouldn’t want to be him!
[Bob] We have heard some fire coming from Medusa Rage’s dressing room. She’s quite upset that she has to be facing what she calls a “low caliber” wrestler in her debut.
[Chad] Medusa wouldn’t be happy unless she started off in a title match. Which maybe she should. Let’s get to the introductions…
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen … this contest is scheduled for one fall … introducing first … from Venice Beach, California … weighing 304lbs … BULK HOOOOOOOO-GANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
[“Real American” blares over the PA as the Bulkster marches out, cupping his ear to the fans and flexing his muscles. He gets into the ring and flexes and poses, tearing his T-shirt off.]
[Duffer] And his opponent … from Port-of-Spain, Trinidad in the West Indies … weighing 160lbs … here comes the self-proclaimed QUEEN BITCH … the Matriarch of the Age of the Rage … MEDUSA RAAAAAGE!!!
[MUSIC: Dvorak’s “Symphony #9: The New World” trumpets over the PA as Medusa Rage strides out purposefully. She wears a red cat suit, her dreadlocks tied up in a ponytail. She strides purposefully to the ring, never looking around, never glancing at the fans. The few people who reach out to touch she bats their hands away. She gets into the ring and gets right into Bulk’s face.]
[Chad] Wow, that Medusa’s got a crazy body on her!
[Bob] Please. I’m sure she’d take offence to that characterization.
[Chad] Maybe, but I can’t help it. I’m here to call it the way I see it.
[Bob] And there’s the lock-up, both wrestlers pushing each other around … Bulk gets some space … big right hand … and another … a third one rocks Medusa!
[Chad] It didn’t rock her enough! That groin kick looked vicious!
[Bob] Medusa with a bulldog clothesline … bouncing Bulk off the mat! She picks him up … Irish whip … SPINEBUSTER!!! What a move!
[Chad] And Medusa picking up the Bulkster like he was a piece of trash! She levers him between her legs! Oh what I would do to be crushed by thighs like that!
[Bob] Focus on the match!
[Chad] Medusa levers him over her shoulder and slams him back down on his face! Wow! She’s been watching videos of Farooq or something.
[Bob] She has that same dominant nature! The Bulkster on the ground right now, groaning as Medusa picks him up again. She sets him up … PILEDRIVER! She does it AGAIN!
[Chad] You know, I’m not sure she’s finished! There’s a third piledriver! And now a fourth! And yes … FIVE CONSECUTIVE PILEDRIVERS!!!
[Medusa] Check that, Kingpin! Check that!
[Bob] She just stole the five-driver from Gretchen Gwynne, the new ICWF champion! Medusa definitely sending a message here!
[Chad] She should pin the Bulkster now. Why’s she just sitting on the turnbuckle?
[Bob] She’s not done. The Bulkster getting to his feet groggily. Medusa rushes in and boots him in the gut! Front face lock … SUPLEX!!!
[Chad] And Bulk sits right up! He’s spinning Medusa around … big right hand … SUPLEX … and Medusa sits right up. She pulls out the scarf tying her hair back and is shaking with adrenalin … big boot to the midsection … FOREARM!!! She’s beautiful when she’s angry!
[Bob] She must be beautiful all the time. Medusa with big right hands … Bulkster reeling … Irish whip … BIG BOOT FROM MEDUSA … off the ropes … LEGDROP!!! She’s using the Bulkster’s own moves against him!
[Chad] And still no cover. She’s got the Bulkster’s carcass draped over one shoulder. She marches him up to the top rope. Look at that wicked smile! I’m in love!
[Bob] And look at that vicious maneuver!!! Oh my God! She just powerslammed Bulkster off the top to the floor! And that has to have caused some sort of permanent injury to the Bulkster!
[Chad] And Medusa rolls Bulkster’s carcass back into the ring for the one finger pin!
[Bob] We’ve got 1 … 2 … and thank god for three!
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen … the winner of this match … in four minutes … 41 seconds … MEDUSA RAAAAAGE!!!!
[There is a big heel pop for Medusa as she flips the bird at the crowd and stalks off to the back.]
[Chad] That is one seriously angry woman. I know I’m in love!
[Bob] That whole Rage clan is trouble.
[Chad] Yeah, but they’re GOOD trouble. It’s time some of the complacent ICWF stars got their cages rattled a little. And ‘dusa’s just the woman to do the rattlin’!
[Jessie] Speaking of the Rage clan, now let’s feature another of her charges, Shadoe Rage.
[Bob] Fans, this match should really be a slobbernocker! We’ve got a pair of very well-matched wrestlers here in Randy Savant and Shadoe Rage! They both wrestle like savages! Kinetic energy! They’re everywhere!
[Chad] The only difference is that Shadoe’s at the top of the game and Savant’s wrestling skills are so poor he shouldn’t even be able to step into a Slim Jim let alone a ring with Shadoe Rage.
[Bob] Let’s get down to the ring for the introductions.
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen … this match is scheduled for one fall … introducing first … from Sarasota, Florida … weighing 248lbs … the Macho Man … Randy SAVANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Pomp and Circumstance pipes up as Randy Savant steps through the ring curtains, parading up to ringside in sunglasses and a sparkling cape. He flourishes for the crowd.]
[Duffer] And his opponent … from Halifax, Nova Scotia … weighing 248lbs … the Enemy of the World … the Angel of Death…. SHADOE RAAAAAAGE!!!!!!!
[The Death March pipes up as Shadoe Rage sweeps through the curtains, wearing sunglasses and a glittering robe with Enemy of the World on it.]
[Bob] These two wrestlers both dress alike and they are both known for their devastating elbow drops! Maybe we’ll see a contest here of whose elbow is more vicious!
[Chad] I don’t think so! Shadoe just threw his cape over Savant! Running double axhandle bowls Savant over! Savant struggling to get the cloak off … Rage grabs him by the head … races the ropes and vaults over … slingshot clothesline … and Rage is right back up to the top! Here he comes with a flying double axhandle! This routine looks familiar!
[Bob] I told you they were very similar, didn’t I? And Shadoe Rage throws Savant through the ropes … HEADFIRST INTO THE GUARDRAIL!
[Chad] And Rage is going up … he’s on top … LEAPS OFF … MOONSAULT ELBOW DROP!!!
[Bob] And that just crushed Savant! I don’t think he’s moving out there.
[Chad] And Shadoe Rage rolls back into the ring, lying down looking absolutely bored as the count gets up to five … six … seven … eight … nine … ten!
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen … the winner of the match … via countout … SHADOE RAGE!
[Bob] And rage disappears just like that! The crowd is really booing. It was like he wasn’t even trying to make an impression on them.
[Chad] He doesn’t care. That’s what it is. He just doesn’t care. And I wouldn’t either until it became important!
[Bob] Shadoe Rage totally disregarding his fans.
[Bob] (Shaking his head.) Another bad-attitude wrestler comes to the ICWF. Is there no decency?
[Chad] Oh, quit cryin’, you wimp. The Rages just know that “decency” don’t put beans on the table. Like the sayin’ goes, “Just WIN, baby.”
[Lisa] And win, they do. They’re acknowledged as one of the premiere wrestling families in all the world, having collected more championships than we’ve got time to list.
[Jessie] And one of those champions is about to wrestle. Godiva Rage is currently the co-holder of the GDWA tag championships, and she’s a feature player in the Rage clan. Like the rest of them, she’s happy that she’s found a fed with no restrictions on gender, and is looking to put her skills to the ultimate test. Let’s check out that match.
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen … the following contest is scheduled for one fall … introducing first … coming down the aisle … weighing 235lbs … from San Antonio, Texas … Shawn THE HEARTBREAKER KIDD!!!!!
[“Sexy Boy” wails over the PA as Shawn Kidd dances down the aisle and gets into the ring posing and strutting his stuff. For whatever reason some fans in the crowd start going crazy.]
[Chad] Why is this long-haired hippy popular? He’s an absolute goof!
[Bob] Well, the ladies seem to … HEY!!!!
[Medusa] ICWF, this is Medusa Rage taking over this broadcast in place of Bob whatever his name is … because frankly … this broadcast needs some real analysis and action-calling.
[Chad] Cool! I’m always glad to be rid of … HEY!!!
[Dalbello] Little man, you think you’re getting mic time when my sister is wrestling? You must be crazy. She deserves better than that shoddy kind of coverage.
[Medusa] All right, let’s get to the introductions, Duffer.
[Duffer] And his opponent … weighing 158lbs … from London, England … GO-DI-VAAAAAA RAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!
[“Bring the Pain” by Method Man throbs over the PA as Godiva Rage struts down the aisle, posing and flexing her double biceps at the crowd. The blonde, blue-eyed biracial girl wears a black spandex bandeau top and high-cut black bikini bottoms connected by three links of fine chain. She wears a collar connected to her top by another three links. Godiva gets a lot of cheers and wolf-whistles from the crowd as she steps through the ropes.]
[Dalbello] That sis of mine is already breaking some poor fools’ hearts. Sometimes I think we should make her wear more so there won’t be as many sad men and jealous women in the crowd. When we’re teaming the funniest thing is we can hear so many couples squabbling over her that it distracts us from the match.
[Medusa] Her charm works. That unique look that people like to call exotic … the blonde hair, blue eyes … that caramel complexion … you know people would love her even if she wore a nun’s habit. She’s just a flirt and she’s even got Kidd distracted.
[Dalbello] He’s really dancing for her. And Godiva just leaning up against the ropes … looking flattered. Go on, ‘diva, dance with him … make him the happiest man on Earth.
[Medusa] (Laughing) And ‘diva seems to have forgotten this is a wrestling match as she’s windin’ up on Kidd.
[Dalbello] I think Kidd’s forgotten, too. ‘diva pressing that backside of hers into his groin … reaching up around his head to caress his cheek … is that love I see in Kidd’s eye?
[Medusa] Lust guaranteed. And the crowd wondering what the hell they’re seeing. It’s ‘diva’s mating ritual, peons. And once she captures her mate–
[Loud crash in the ring] She kills him!
[Dalbello] (Wild laughter) And Kidd didn’t even know she was turning that amorous advance into a Stone Cold Stunner! Ah, now that’s just vicious! ‘diva Rage, the Praying Mantis of the ICWF!
[Medusa] And she picks him up … stiff forearm shots to the head … Kidd’s neck doesn’t look like it can hold up under that pressure.
[Dalbello] Well it won’t have to … here comes the whip … Godiva charging in right behind … BIG CLOTHESLINE AND THEY BOTH GO OVER THE ROPES!!!
[The crowd gives a big heel pop as Godiva hits the floor. They give a HUGE pop as Shawn Kidd skins the cat and flips back into the ring.]
[Medusa] How the hell did he hang in there like that?
[Dalbello] ‘diva’s surprised, too! Kidd off the ropes … sliding kick … RIGHT IN THE JAW!!! No way I’m gonna let him kick my baby sister like that! (Audio squeal)
[Medusa] Dal, don’t sweat it. Let ‘diva take care of herself. You can’t always be looking out for her. She’s 24 years-old now.
(Audio squeal) [Dalbello] You’re right. Kidd’s on the apron … ‘diva better be ready for that hurricane that’s coming.
[Medusa] And she was! BIG POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR! YES GIRL, show him what you got!
[Dalbello] And l’il ‘diva’s picking up Kidd by the throat … man, she’s got him way up there doesn’t she! I can’t believe how strong she is sometimes. She and Derek had too much milk as children. I don’t know where they got that power.
[Medusa] It must be in your father’s genes. You and Shadoe are built like your mother. Diva just got her hair and eyes. And I love that running kick of hers! Kidd just landed face first in the crowd.
[Dalbello] I’ve wrestled with and against ‘diva for six years now, right. When we became the Misfits she was really awkward. I don’t think she knew her own strength, but one thing that really impressed me was how smooth she became with her power. She really knows how to use those muscles now. Let’s see that military press, ‘diva!
[Medusa] You’ll have to wait. For you fans watching at home ‘diva’s just taken the match to the ring again … here she comes off the ropes … FLYING HEAD STOMP!!!
[Dalbello] Boo! Stop stealing Shadoe’s stuff! (Laughter)
[Medusa] And Kidd’s still a little shook up, but his legs aren’t rubber yet!
[Dalbello] Irish whip … she’s giving him too much space! DUCK ‘DIVA!!!
[Medusa] Aw damn, and she caught a hard flying forearm! That shook her up! She never did get her head clear too quick after being hit! Come on, ‘diva! Hit him!
[Dalbello] See, this is where she usually starts looking for help! Kidd’s getting too many punches through her defense. Remind me to keep sparring with her. She needs help with that!
[Medusa] And Kidd with a whip … crisscrosses … THAT WAS AN IMPRESSIVE DROP KICK!!!
[The fans pop]
[Dalbello] All right, Shawn, you’ve got things going your way right now. You better press your advantage.
[Medusa] And Godiva seems a little shaken up. Come on, girl. What? You thought he’d be that easy?
[Dalbello] Let’s see what else is in the Heartbreaker’s repertoire. Kidd off the ropes … CROSS BODY BLOCK!!! And ‘diva caught him.
[Medusa] Yeah, that’s the move! And here’s that press you wanted.
[Dalbello] Man, she’s got great form!
[The fans pop as Godiva walks around the ring, holding Kidd helpless. She shoves him up and walks out from under him, and he hits the mat with a thunderous crash.]
[Medusa] You notice something? The crowd’s getting behind the British Bombshell. I guess we’ve got more men in the house again.
[Dalbello] Probably, but ‘diva appeals to everybody, you know. Now ‘diva’s making a big mistake not following up. I think she’s taking Kidd way too lightly. Just because he’s an arrogant jerk doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any pull in the ring. And these fans seem to love him.
[Medusa] And Kidd nips up … stuns ‘diva with a boot to the midsection … ROCKERDROPPER!!! And ‘diva’s rolling to the corner. Kidd meets her with a dropkick.
[Dalbello] Continuity, ‘diva! Continuity!
[Medusa] And Kidd up to the second rope … flying elbow drop from the top! And that hurt ‘diva!
[Dalbello] I think she’s a little confused. I don’t think she understood how much better this Kidd is than that stiff you faced, Hogan. This guy’s an athlete regardless of what you say! And he’s setting up in the corner for something. He’s telegraphing it.
[Medusa] Superkick coming … he’s rushing … and what’s ‘diva doing.
[Dalbello] Ummm, distracting him!
[Huge crowd POP as Kidd skids to a halt, stunned as Godiva yanks up her top.]
[Medusa] Oh boy, well, kids, turn off the sets. ‘diva’s just made this an adults only show!
[Flashbulbs go off across the arena]
[Dalbello] And Godiva charges out of the corner with a superkick of her own!!!
[Medusa] Did you tell her to do that?
[Dalbello] Me? You know I’m against that kind of stunt. I guess ‘diva’s just so in love with ratings that she’ll do anything to get attention. It worked though. Now people are going to be all over the place asking if they can get pictures.
[Medusa] Kidd’s half-conscious. ‘Diva leans down to give him a gentle kiss. Oh I love this. A kiss before dying.
[Dalbello] And the fans are chanting for her to take it off again. See, this is just bad. ‘Diva British Bombshell his ass and be done with him. Hopefully we can forget this incident.
[Medusa] And she’s got Kidd set up for the British Bombshell. Everybody thinks a piledriver’s coming. No … she hoists him up … is it a powerbomb, kids? Hell no!
[Dalbello] And Godiva bridges backwards … *THROWING* Kidd halfway across the ring to clothesline himself on the top rope! That’s just the fastest move I’ve seen. She can hit that from anywhere and anytime. I tried it once. Damn near ripped my back out.
[Medusa] Speaking of tearing people’s backs out. I gotta tell you about this guy that I went out with the other night. Let me tell you….
[Dalbello] Dusa, this is a family show. Let’s keep that for the locker room. What’s with you two tonight? You want to get this show yanked from the air?
[Medusa] And ‘diva with the ‘exotic’ cover. She eases down to straddle his chest. I LOVE that gentle caress of his cheek as the ref counts him out.
[Dalbello] (Sighing) And we got a three count thankfully.
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen … the winner of the match … via pinfall … GODIVA RAGE!!!
[The fans pop as Godiva slithers out of the ring and exits to her theme while kissing the men at ringside.]
[Medusa] Well, I’m sure she’s made an impression now, huh?
[Dalbello] Let’s just get out of here before they ban us. This is the Rage clan saying catch you next time.
[Chad] (Smiling goofily.) Now THAT is a great addition. I mean…WOW!!!
[Bob] Well, um, she IS a bit more, uh, palatable than some of the newcomers I’ve seen–
[Jessie] While the guys regain their composure, we have a pair of matches from another couple of wrestlers that set them on fire. The Snake Sisters, Jennifer “Sidewinder” Sanders and the Python Princess, are up next.
[Chad] Sidewinder Sanders is up next. I can’t wait to see her back in action.
[Bob] She’ll be going up against a very talented newcomer — a real martial-arts master. Here’s Mike Duffer with the introductions.
[Duffer] Laaaaadiiiiiieeeessss and Gennnnntlemennnnnn! The next match is one fall with a fifteen minute time limit! Introducing first, from Rattlesnake Gap Arizona, standing 5’10” tall and weighing 185 pounds, the ICWF North American Champion, Jennifer “Sidewinder” SAAAAAAANNNNNDERRRS!
<Music: “Get Over It” by the Eagles. Sidewinder Sanders is in her snakeskin posing bikini and rattlesnake boots, with the North American belt around her waist. She is accompanied by the Python Princess and Lord Percival DeGage. Mixed cheers and boos greet her. She points at a particular section waving “Snake Sisters” posters and they bow, chanting “We’re not worthy!”>
[Duffer] Her opponent is making his ICWF debut! From the mysterious East, standing 6’3″ and weighing 265 pounds, here is IIIIIIIIICEBERRRRRRRG!
<The lights fade except for some “black lights”. Oriental music blares from the PA. Styrofoam “snow” falls from the rafters, and laser beams cut through the gloom. An individual wearing a “Mortal Kombat” style ninja uniform stalks down the aisle and enters the ring, where he does a series of kicks and punches that would put any five-year-old beginning Karate student to shame.>
[Bob] I understand Iceberg has been training in several of the martial arts, from Jiu-Jitsu to Karate to Kung-Fu, and he’s blended them all into his own special style.
[Chad] Yeah — dork-fu!
[Bob] Will you stop! He’s giving these fans a real show, making some incredible moves.
<The fans seem less than entranced with Iceberg’s display of martial arts “expertise”. The camera catches Sidewinder and the Princess, and they are doubled over in laughter. Finally the light show and demonstration end. A close up shows that one eye is blue and the other brown.>
[Chad] Now that Sidewinder has stopped laughing she hands her belt to Lord Percival and climbs into the ring — geez, that fake snow is all over the place.
[Jessie] Well, President Shoemaker, what do you make of this wrestler?
[Prez] Jessie, believe me, the concept sounded great. We still need to work out some of the details.
[Bob] We’re ready to get underway. Iceberg into a fighting stance — there’s a vicious punch to the midsection by Iceberg! Now a chop to the chest! Now he kicks Sanders in the thigh! There’s a spin kick at her head!
[Chad] Sidewinder slaps his leg aside easily! She hasn’t reacted to any of the blows he landed except to laugh! Iceberg with an overhead chop — blocked! Now Sanders with a barrage of her own! Kick to the belly! Punch to the head! Forearm to the jaw! And a kick to the thigh that collapses Snowball’s leg and drops him to the mat, flat on the Styrofoam!
[Bob] Have some respect!
[Jessie] Sidewinder Sanders is showing very little respect for Iceberg. She stomps him while he’s down. She pulls him up — HUGE clothesline! Something seemed to pop out of Iceberg’s eye!
[Chad] Ha! She knocked that stupid blue contact lens right out! Snowball’s crawlin’ around lookin’ for it, but all that “snow” in the ring is gettin’ in his way!
[Jessie] Sanders with no letup — she pulls Iceberg up with a headlock. Punch to the forehead and the big man’s down again! She drops an elbow to his chest! Now she’s got him up and whips him to the rope — POWERSLAM! Now Sidewinder’s looking up to the section with the Snake Sisters posters and pointing at them!
[Chad] They’re givin’ her the thumbs down — they want to see her put the Rattler on this dork!
[Jessie] It looks like they’re going to get their wish! Sanders plants Iceberg on the top turnbuckle and goes up after him. She tucks his head between her legs and — THERE’S THE RATTLER!
[Chad] She puts a foot on his chest and flexes her biceps — the ref with the three count, but it’s academic. He coulda counted to a hundred.
[Bob] Iceberg still showed me a lot.
[Chad] What — were you in his locker room before the match?
[Bob] I oughtta —
[Jessie] Sidewinder’s kicking Iceberg under the ropes to the floor. What’s she doing?
[Sidewinder] Hey boys — hit th’ music!
<Iceberg’s music plays again, and Sidewinder puts on a kata of her own, except her moves look crisp and clean, whereas Iceberg’s seemed clumsy. Finishing, she points up at the “Snake Section” again and once again the fans bow and chant “We’re not worthy!”>
[Jessie] Quite an exhibition by Jennifer Sanders. Kris, can you get an interview?
<Kris Erickson is sandwiched by The Python Princess and Jennifer “Sidewinder” Sanders. Percival DeGage stands in the back, the North American title over one shoulder. The Snake Sisters press close to Kris, who looks slightly uncomfortable>
[Kris] I’m here with the Snake Sisters. Ladies, it’s been a while since you’ve been in the ring.
[Sidewinder] EEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAA! Kris, you ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie there pard. The Princess and I are ready to kick some more ICWF butt! Just like that turkey I just messed up!
[P. Princess] It has definitely been too long since Jennifer and I have had the pleasure of inflicting our own special brand of pain. Workouts are one thing, but one doesn’t want to permanently damage the help, does one?
[Kris] Sidewinder, you’re the North American champion. Any thoughts on a defense?
[Sidewinder] Kris, I’m jist waitin’ fer somebody ta have th’ guts ta challenge me. I’ll fight anybody, anytime, anywhere. I ain’t even sure what th’ rankin’s are anymore, so whoever wants a shot at me, lemme know!
[Kris] Your Highness, is there anyone in particular you’ve set your sights on?
[P. Princess] Well, darling, three of the singles belts are currently held by people I admire. That leaves only Arlechino and Ms. Gwynne as available targets. After the Marauder takes care of dear Gretchen, I may decide to have my own go at her. But then again, I do believe that the Intercontinental Championship would look wonderful around this waist, don’t you agree? <She leans closer to Kris, who begins to look even more uncomfortable>
[Kris] Umm, yes, I agree.
[P. Princess] As to Season’s Beatings — either Jennifer or I will win the battle royal, of course.
[Sidewinder] You betcher a<bleep>! Who’s gonna stand up to us? Nobody, that’s who!
[Kris] I see. Now as to today’s match…
[P. Princess] They are putting that idiot Edsel in the ring with me. I don’t understand why the powers that be here in the ICWF want him hurt, but I’ll be glad to do it.
[Kris] There you have it. The Python Princess is heading for the ring for her match with Big Daddy Cold. Back to you, Mike Duffer!
[Duffer] Introducing, from London England, at 5’9″ and 175, The Pyyyyythonnnnn PRINNNNNCESSSSSS!
<music: “Good Girls go to Heaven (Bad Girls go Everywhere)” by Meat Loaf. The Princess, trailed by Sidewinder and Percy, makes her way to the ring. She royally gestures at the “Snake Section” and they cheer wildly and bow.>
[Duffer] Her opponent, from Detroit Michigan, at 7′ and 300 pounds, “Big Daddy Cold”, EDSSSSSELLLL!
<A truck horn sounds, then generic heavy metal music. A big man dressed all in black, with tire tracks across his sleeveless t-shirt and down the legs of his tights runs to the ring. His hands are covered by black driving gloves.>
[Chad] Edsel hits the ring and goes to work — the Princess fires back with a knee to the gut that slows him down. The Princess with a spinning neckbreaker and Edsel is down! Ha! Didn’t take long for the big goof to hit the canvas!
[Bob] The Python Princess pulls Edsel up and whips him into the ropes. Big dropkick by the Python Princess and Big Daddy Cold goes down again! She pulls him back up — bodyslam! That shook the ring!
[Jessie] The Princess grabs Edsel’s legs and turns him over — Boston Crab! She’s leaning back, really pouring on the pressure! The ref’s checking, but Edsel’s close enough to the ropes to grab one and force the break.
[Chad] Ah, Edsel’s finished! Why bother?
[Bob] Not yet — he’s a fine competitor and he just might — oops.
[Chad] Yeah, he just might get kicked in the gut, which is just what happened! Her Highness with a vertical suplex and Edsel’s in a lot of pain!
[Prez] The Python Princess now applies a stepover toehold on the prone Edsel and —
[Jessie] Why Mr. Shoemaker — you called that move right!
[Prez] Football isn’t all I know, Jessie.
[Jessie] In any case, the Princess seems to get bored with that hold and now struts around the ring, showing off. She runs her hands up and down her body, and a lot of the men in the audience are cheering.
[Bob] Uhhh, I don’t blame them — I mean, what a disgusting exhibition.
[Chad] I ain’t disgusted.
[Prez] Nor am I….
[Jessie] If you three will stop drooling? Now Edsel’s up on one knee. The Princess moves behind him.
[Chad] Here it comes — the Anaconda! She’s got the full nelson locked in and now she’s crushing Edsel’s waist with her legs! Look at that power! Edsel can’t take it! He’s quit!
[Bob] Now what’s she doing?
[Chad] Taking out the trash! She picks the big goof up and dumps him outside the ring! Now Sidewinder joins her and they’re posing for the fans!
[Jessie] We’ll be right back with more action!
[Lisa] No doubt the Snake Sisters are back to wreak havoc.
[Chad] Yeah, and I say we give ’em their own show. I mean, heck, the ratings spike whenever they come on!
[Bob] I can’t account for that, except that so many people must be rooting for them to LOSE. I mean, as comely as they might be, they’re still villains.
[Chad] “Comely”? Brodsky, where’d you get a stupid word like that?
[Bob] Just because my vocabulary dwarfs yours, Romero, doesn’t mean you have the right to berate my word selections.
[Chad] Your vocabulary’s the ONLY thing you got that dwarfs mine.
[Bob] What are you implying–?
[Jessie] Easy, Bob. Coming up next, we’ve got the current Intercontinental belt holder, Spanish Rose. Chad, you must be very proud.
[Chad] Oh, am I ever! The way she took the strap from that painted freak, Arlechino, was just in-CRED-ible. Totally clean win, no cheating, no–
[Bob] Is your selective memory acting up again, Romero? I seem to recall a visit from Spaz to ringside that cost Arlechino the belt.
[Chad] It woulda ended the same way.
[Lisa] It DID come at a crucial point in the match, Chad. Bob may have a point.
[Chad] The only point he’s got is on his friggin’ head.
[Jessie] It’s no use. Let’s see the footage.
[Chad] Now for one of my favorites.
[Jessie] Spanish Rose will defend the US Belt against “Neon” Deion Sanderson. Here’s Mike Duffer with the introductions.
[Duffer] Ladiiiiiieeeeees and Gentelmennnnnn! Introducing the two-sport superstar, from Dallas, Texas, standing six feet one inch tall and weighing in at two hundred and seven pounds, Prime Time himself, ‘Neon’ Deion Sanderson!
<Sanderson, a well-muscled black man dressed in a sequined blue robe and wearing about a dozen gold chains around his neck comes out. The fans either love him or hate him, depending on which football team they normally cheer for, so there are cheers mixed with boos. Sanderson removes his robe and chains. He’s now in white tights with a familiar blue star on the butt and white boots with identical stars. He hangs the chains over the corner post.>
[Duffer] <Mariachi music plays amidst a chorus of boos and jeers> Now entering, accompanied by Elena Quartermain, from Toledo, Spain, at 190 lbs., The US Champion, Spanish Rose. (She yells at the crowd while taking off her jacket. She wears a black leotard with matching boots and kneepads; the leotard and boots have matching roses.)
[Bob] <hopefully> Chad, don’t you think you should be down there to advise Spanish Rose?
[Chad] Nah — Rose can handle this Slime Time with no problems whatsoever. I’m gonna stay right here to make sure you call the match right!
[Jessie] The bell sounds and they lock up — but not for long! Forearm uppercut by Spanish Rose and Sanderson is staggered. Now a kick to the belly and Sanderson doubles over. She locks up his arms — double underhook suplex! Sanderson’s down!
[Chad] Right where he belongs! Rose drops a knee across his forehead! Now she heads for the top — moonsault! She covers him — and pulls him up at two!
[Bob] That’s disgusting! She could’ve pinned him right there?
[Chad] What fun would that be?
[Jessie] Spanish Rose picks Sanderson up overhead — gorilla slam to the outside! Spanish Rose dropped Sanderson over nine feet to the floor! Now she’s showing off for the crowd!
[Bob] She better be careful — Sanderson’s tough! He’s proved that time and again in the NFL.
[Chad] Yeah, Brodsky? Around here NFL stands for “Not For Long”! You’re beautiful, Rose!
[Rose] Gracias, Romeo. Is he standing up yet?
[Chad] Just getting up now.
[Rose] I’ll take care of that!
[Jessie] Rose runs across the ring and LEAPS OVER THE TOP ROPE on top of Deion Sanderson! He crashes into the guardrail! Now Spanish Rose picks Sanderson up and drops him stomach-first across the rail!
[Chad] Ha! He ain’t gonna want any dinner tonight! Rose has him up — powerbomb! Man, she’s showin’ this guy what primetime means! Rose rolls into the ring to break the count.
[Bob] Now what — oh, no, she’s not going to —
[Jessie] Yes she is! She goes to the top rope — double axe-handle! Sanderson hits the railing again! Rose picks him up and presses him overhead again, now she tosses him into the ring over the second rope!
[Rose] This hombre is finito!
[Chad] Rose headed for the top rope — look at that agility as she walks the ropes! Here comes the Spanish Press!
[Jessie] Rose leaps high up into the lights and flies ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE RING to land on top of Sanderson! Rose stands and places a foot on his chest, striking a double bicep pose. There’s the count, — one, two, three! It’s over! No, wait, she has him up again. She’s got a hand around his throat — CHOKESLAM! Now she kicks Sanderson out of the ring.
[Duffer] The winner and STILLLL ICWF Intercontinental Champion, SPANNNNISH ROOOOOOSE!
[Bob] Now what? Spanish Rose is going to the corner where Sanderson left his gold chains. She’s stealing his jewelry! That’s atrocious!
[Chad] It sure looks better around her neck than Sanderson’s.
[Jessie] Chad’s climbing in the ring for the interview.
[Chad] Rose, you were magnificent tonight.
[Rose] Gracias, Chad. You like my new chains? Some stupido left these hanging here in the ring.
[Chad] They look good on you, Rose. What’s next?
[Rose] Well, I plan to defend this Intercontinental title against anybody who wants to get hurt. It’s MINE, idiotas, and do not forget that! And Elena and I are ready to mount a challenge for the tag belts, for I love gold, Chad. Another title would balance things out — one over each shoulder, si?
[Chad] I like the plan, Rose. Let’s talk it over. Jess, Bob, Mr. Shoemaker, see you later.
[Bob] An atrocious display toward one of the finest football players in the world. And he plays for such an upright team….
[Chad] UPRIGHT?!? What have you been smokin’, Brodsky? Sanderson is a vain scumbag, and his teammates are a buncha reprobates.
[Bob] Well, Coach Landry will have them back on the straight-and-narrow in no time.
[Lisa] Um…Bob, I believe that Tom Landry was fired as their coach over ten years ago.
[Bob] He WAS?!? (Blinks.) Well…I’ve been out of the game for a while….
[Chad] You’ve been out of your BRAIN for a while.
[Jessie] Our next contest involves a new tag team, being brought in by the illustrious Kingpin. Let’s roll the footage.
[Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen…..this contest is scheduled for one fall with a fifteen minute time limit….introducing first….at a total combined weight of 463 lbs….here is the team of Cam and Drive Shaft!
(Mixed reaction from the crowd as the Shaft brothers wave to the fans.)
And their opponents….
(The arena is filled with the sounds of thundering drums and bird calls as the crowd doesn’t know what to make of it.)
Representing the Syndicate and led to the ring by their manager, The Kingpin….
(The crowd erupts into boos as the Kingpin steps through the curtain and begins to stroll to the ring.)
From the Island of Samoa…..at a total combined weight of 603lbs….
[Bob] Did he just say 603 lbs.? That’s HUGE.
[Jessie] What is the Kingpin trying to pull now? What team is this? He’s not even scheduled to be out here right now…
[Chad] I love it!
[Bob] Of course you do.
[Duffer] Aftu……Sama……the SAMOAN SOLDIERS!!!!!!
(The crowd is in amazement as the Samoan Soldiers step through the curtain and begin to make their way to the ring. They are massive, wearing grass skirts and flowered leis. Both are barefoot.)
[Bob] He went out and got the Samoan Soldiers?
[Chad] This I can’t believe. The Kingpin has outdone himself this time.
[Lisa] Many of you may or may not know this, but the Samoan Soldiers are five time MWA World Tag Champions, and two time AWC World Tag Champions. These guys are two of the most vicious men ever to step into the ring. As a matter of fact, on two different occasions, The Kingpin and his partner LOST their World Tag Belts to the Samoan Soldiers.
[Bob] Aren’t these guys banned in the NCW?
[Lisa] The NCWC, yes, they are. Samoans hitting the ring, and WOW! There goes Cam Shaft over the top rope.
[Chad] My God! I’m surprised he’s not in the third row!
[Jessie] Aftu, the obvious bigger of the two with Drive Shaft now….and down to the canvas goes Drive with a huge headbutt. They’re just stomping away on Drive…
[Bob] Have we even had the bell yet?
[Chad] They don’t NEEEEEEED no steenking bell.
[Jessie] There’s the bell, and Aftu to the outside. Sama picks Drive up….whip to the ropes….and a HUGE snap kick to the chin! Drive is out of it!
[Bob] That would’ve knocked anyone out.
[Jessie] Sama off the ropes….BIG splash! He weighs about 260 lbs. That’s got to hurt. Sama picking him up…piledriver position….no! Powerbomb! That was a modified powerbomb that dropped Drive on the back of his head! He’s unconscious.
[Bob] Where the hell is Cam Shaft?
[Jessie] Cam Shaft crawling back up on the apron….meanwhile, Sama makes the tag to Aftu….Aftu going up to the top rope….the ref needs to get that man down from there! He’s over 340 lbs.!
[Bob] Sama putting Drive in a Boston crab….oh, no….I’ve heard about this…
[Chad] This is the last we’re gonna see of Drive Shaft! He’s gonna need a blotter!
[Jessie] Aftu off the top rope….and he CROSS BODY BLOCKS SAMA!!! Drive Shaft’s back HAS to be broken! Look at him convulse!
[Bob] This is sick.
[Jessie] Aftu with the cover for the three count, but you could count to a million. OH, and Sama with a big clothesline on Cam Shaft, and now they’re all over Cam. This is ridiculous…we need the medics down there.
[Bob] It’s a dark day in the ICWF…the Samoan Soldiers are here, and that whacko The Kingpin is leading their charge…
[Jessie] Kingpin finally getting his men out of the ring, and pushing them back to the locker room. These guys are animals. The paramedics attending to Drive Shaft…we hope to have word later on as to his condition…
[Jessie] Fortunately, Drive wasn’t seriously hurt. But that was a VICIOUS display by the Samoan Soldiers!
[Bob] I stand by my observations. The Samoans are a danger to the sport and should be banned.
[Chad] Ah, banned, schmanned. Let’s just put ’em in the ring against a good team and see what happens.
[Jessie] I echo that sentiment, Chad. Now fans, let’s have a look at a new competitor here in the ICWF, “Terrible” Tori!
[Jessie] Next up, we’ve got some fresh new blood entering the league. His name is Chet Wyatt, and he’s a letterman from Minnesota University. He’s got some real wrestling skill.
(Chet, a smiling blonde haired, blue eyed kid, comes to the ring waving to the fans. He’s wearing a blue jacket and trunks, and quickly takes his jacket off and hangs on the buckle in his corner.)
[Romero] Fresh meat is more like it. He’s going to be facing “Terrible Tori,” championship belt holder of the now defunct BOTS wrestling league.
(Tori enters, as “Back in Black” by ACDC starts blasting out of the loudspeakers. Tori is a 6’1 redhead. She is wearing a red one-piece suit that looks like it has been spray painted onto her very athletic frame. She wears red thigh-high hip boots and strides toward to the ring while some of the men start clapping, and the other men drop into stunned silence. She jumps onto the ring and then steps over the top rope. She smiles at Chet. He looks uncertain, and overs to shake her hand.)
[Brodsky] Here’s a show of real class by Chet…
(Tori takes his hand and shakes it, then uses a lariat to send his smashing into the ring.)
[Brodsky] Oh no, another one!
[Romero] Perfect aim on that lariat. Only thing I can’t figure is why she’s walking back to her corner and waiting for him to get up. That’s not like Tori.
[Jessie] Chet rises, then rushes Tori… who moves out of the way and he hits the buckle. Now she grabs his head and chokes him with the ropes. They just rung the bell.
[Romero] They need to wake up there, get with the program. Can you believe it took them twenty seconds into the match to ring the bell?
[Brodsky] The referee finally gets in between them and waves Tori back. Chad gets off the ropes and turns around, while the referee stays between them.
[Romero] Hey, he’s gettin in the way!
[Jessie] Now chad locks up with her, and goes for an armlock. She counters with a kneelift to the stomach, then rakes his face with her nails! She slams her hand into its stomach. But it’s not a punch, it’s a clawhold! He drops to his knees, then tries to get low to the mat so she can’t power the hold.
[Brodsky] He’s keeping his head about him.
[Romero] Oh baby, she just stepped around and got his legs around his head, then dropped back first to the mat. She’s tightening her legs into a figure-four shape around his neck, and she’s got her legs pressed around his carotid artery.
[Jessie] A figure-four sleeper. Her calf muscles just contracted and he’s already out.
[Romero] The ref is getting in the way. She is smiling at the ref as he tells her to drop the hold. He starts to count… she releases him and he slumps to the mat. The ref is raising her hand in victory. Hey, what’s the time on that victory?
[Brodsky] You mean from the first attack, or from when the bell sounded?
[Romero] >From when the bell sounded, naturally. Tori is posing for the crowd, what a gal. Let’s see if she’ll stop for a quick interview.
[Brodsky] What the heck… get back here Romero, you aren’t supposed to do the interview!
(In the Ring)
[Romero] That was great Tori, but wasn’t it a little short?
[Tori] I got ahead of myself. I’ll let the next match last a little longer just for you, Romero.
(Tori stands very close to Romero.)
[Romero] (Gulp) That would be really great Tori… uhhh what are your plans here?
[Tori] I plan to take the belt of course. But I understand that there is actually a little decent competition here, unlike in BOTS. But before we talk about the great competitors, I’d like to talk about JQ Smooth. Smooth, you stupid little bug, I’m getting sick of hearing your stupid mouth. If I hear you talk down to that poor excuse for a woman one more time I’m going to shut you up with these. (She points at her legs. She gets out of the ring and walks to the locker-room, to a very mixed reaction from the crowd.)
[Jessie] An impressive debut from Tori, but her presence wouldn’t end there. Let’s see another debut, from none other than the great Mike Anderson, and then witness Tori’s involvement.
[Jessie] Bob, our next match features one of your favorites.
[Bob] Absolutely, Jessie! We’re about to see the ICWF debut of Mike Anderson, who is an absolute legend in the sport. He’s also as upstanding a man as you’re likely to find. He’s always there for the kids, and really does a lot to help the community.
[Chad] Oh, is he, now? Lemme guess, we got another good Samaritan with a big heart and no cajones. Do you really think he’s gonna last ten seconds with somebody like the Marauder or Gretchen Gwynne?
[Lisa] Those are good points, Chad, but I think he will. Anderson has held a number of major belts in his career, and some say he hasn’t even hit his prime yet. He’s got power, speed, and a great deal of skill.
[Chad] I still say he’s got no cajones.
[Bob] I guess you’re an expert on that, eh, Romero?
[Chad] Watch it, Brodsky.
[Jessie] Let’s go up to the ring for the introductions.
[Mike Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a fifteen minute contest, scheduled for one fall. Introducing, in the corner to my right, weighing in at 254 pounds, from El Paso, Texas…here is…”The Outlaw” Eddie Curtis! (Curtis, a scruffy man wearing a black singlet and hat, shakes his branding iron at the crowd, and spits imaginary chaw at them.)
And his opponent…(the opening riffs to Judas Priest’s “You’ve got another thing coming” sound, and moments later, a tall, well-muscled man appears in the entryway. He wears blue trunks, with black boots and kneepads. His dark hair is cut short.)…from Chicago, Illinois…he weighs 295 pounds… please welcome…the one…the only… Mike…. ANDERSOOOOOON!!! (The fans pop as he slaps hands with them, then climbs into the ring.)
[Chad] Looks like a white-bread wuss to me.
[Bob] If he’s such a wimp, why don’t YOU climb in the ring with him?
[Chad] Hey, I ain’t a wrestler! Besides, Rose’d take ‘im on any day.
[Jessie] There’s no doubt about *that*. Anderson offers a handshake to Curtis, but the Texan slaps his hand away.
[Bob] Such poor sportsmanship!
[Chad] Such a wuss.
[Jessie] Boys! Anyway, they’re circling, and the cowboy with a top wristlock on the big man. Anderson raring back–and shoves Curtis flying back into the turnbuckle!
[Bob] Wow! Curtis hit like a ton of bricks!
[Chad] You’re gushing, Bob! You wanna meet ‘im after the show?
[Bob] You’re a sick man, Romero.
[Jessie] Anderson and Curtis lock up, Curtis cinches in an arm bar–reversed! Anderson takes him over into a side headlock now, really pouring on the pressure.
[Bob] That’s called “fundamental wrestling”, Chad. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.
[Chad] No, it’s called “those moves losers do before gettin’ beat.” Headlocks don’t win matches no more than honesty wins elections.
[Lisa] Well, styles do vary, but Anderson does manage to mix technical wrestling with power moves gracefully. It’s been quite successful for him.
[Chad] Well…I’ll take that from you, but not Brodsky.
[Jessie] Curtis backs Anderson into the ropes now, the ref calls for the break. Clean release by Anderson–and Curtis drives his shoulder into his gut! That rocks Anderson. He whips him toward the far ropes–reversed! Curtis flies back, Anderson scoops him up–gorilla press! The fans scream as he tosses Curtis across the ring!
[Bob] BOOM! And Curtis goes down like a sack of wet cement! Wow!
[Chad] Okay, so he’s strong! Don’t mean nothin’.
[Jessie] Curtis slow to get back up, and Anderson right on top of him. A scoop and a slam puts Curtis back down. Elbow drop! Another! He’s moving pretty fast for a big man.
[Lisa] Anderson’s speed is often underestimated, Jess. He’s even been known to hit an occasional Frankensteiner.
[Jessie] Anderson with a cover–kickout by Curtis at two. The Outlaw’s to his feet, Anderson ducks a punch–clothesline! Now Anderson’s making his signal, he’s about to finish this. He’s got Curtis back on his feet, he’s intertwining his arms from behind–and there it is! The Cobra Clutch!
[Lisa] Mike really loves to use this as a finisher. It’s a high-percentage move, and he doesn’t like to take a lot of risks.
[Bob] The ref’s checking Curtis–and his arm falls a third time! This one’s history!
[Mike Duffer] Ladies and gentlemen. You’re winner in the match, in a time of three minutes, twelve seconds…Mike…ANDERSOOOOON!!!
[Chad] He mighta put out a nobody like Curtis, but I’d like to see ‘im slap that worthless cobra clutch on my Rose, or maybe the Masked Marauder.
[Bob] They’d go down just like the Outlaw!
[Chad] Bob, WHAT have you been smoking?
[Jessie] While we keep these two separated, here’s another newcomer to the ICWF, Nate McMahon, with the post-match interview. Take it, Nate!
[Nate] Thanks, Jessie. I’m here with the great Mike Anderson, and let me be the first to welcome you to the ICWF.
[Mike] Thanks, Nate. I’m really happy to be here. I think this is the most competitive fed going by far, and if we can manage at least a couple of shows a month, I think we’ll set ourselves apart.
[Nate] Do you have any special messages you’d like to direct to anybody?
[Mike] Not just yet, but I’m getting some ideas. I’ll wait a bit before making any specific challenges.
(The crowd noise level rises as “Terrible” Tori emerges from the back, and saunters over to the interview area, a smirk on her face. Anderson looks a bit surprised, and moves to Nate’s other side to accommodate her.)
[Nate] [Looking annoyed and a little concerned] I’m sorry, this is Mr. Anderson’s time, would you please–
[Tori] [Cutting him off] Hi, Mike! Good to see you again!
[Mike] Uh, it’s good to see you, too, Tori. How have you been?
[Tori] I’ve been bored, very bored. There just aren’t that many federations out there for me to terrorize, and you left me all alone… [Pouts]
[Mike] Well…when our old fed folded, I had to link up with a new one. I hope you understand.
[Nate] Mr. Anderson, you know THIS woman?
[Mike] Uh, well, yes…
[Tori] [gives Nate an icy glare, then moves closer to Anderson] Sure I understand, but I missed you Mike. Don’t you miss those evenings… waking up after one of my headscissors….
[Mike] Um…well, I must admit that you’ve got a very effective figure-four headscissors. You’re a very talented wrestler, and–
[Tori] Oh, Mike, is that all you remember me for? (Sidles up next to him.)
(Anderson turns a bright shade of red, and swallows hard.)
[Mike] Ah…be that as it may, this is a totally new situation, and–
[Tori] I remember how much you loved getting squeezed, scissored, or anything else I might care to do. And it was all because I won our little match….
[Mike] (He inhales as she snuggles closer.) I…think the match might go a bit differently this time, Tori.
[Tori] You’re pretty good Mike. But I’m bad, through and through. (Runs her fingers over his chest)
[Mike] Okay, well, what do you say to a rematch, then?
(Tori’s face lights up.)
[Tori] What a great idea! I’d never thought of that. Of course, same stipulations as last time right? (Tori leads him away.)
[Nate] Well, that was an unexpected development. We’ll keep track of this situation as it progresses. We’ll be back after a word from our sponsors.
[Jessie] Already, the Anderson/Tori situation is developing in a…most unusual way. Lisa, what can you tell us about this BOTS league they came from?
[Lisa] Jessie, BOTS stood for “Battle of the Sexes”, and it was a fed similar to ours, with intergender competition. In fact, it’s still being run under different management, but Mike and Tori opted to come to the ICWF. The owners had a tendency to stack the talent in favor of the female competition, with Anderson being a notable exception.
[Bob] Well, I think Tori will be in for a big surprise if she gets in the ring with Anderson!
[Lisa] They DID fight once before, actually, and Tori won perhaps the toughest match of her career. A rematch will be very interesting, to be sure.
[Jessie] No doubt. Let’s go to footage from the most exotic new competitor in the ICWF, the man they call…Venus!
[“I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls comes over the loud speaker as Venus makes his way to ringside.]
[Jessie] Venus gracefully steps into the ring. This is the first time we get to see him in one on one action. Oh my… he just walked up behind and ran his fingers through the hair of Miguel Thunder.
[Bob & Chad] Ugh…
[Jessie] Thunder turns around and swings wildly… not expecting that at all out of the “Lavender Lover’, but Venus ducks and catches him with a nice belly to belly suplex.
[Bob] Okay… who’s the bozo who signed this guy?
[Jessie] Venus with a whip… reversal by Thunder, but Venus comes off with a clothesline that sends Thunder out of the ring.
[Chad] Now what’s that freak gonna do?
[Jessie] Getting a head start, Venus runs and lands both feet on the top rope and somersaults off on top of Miguel Thunder!
[Bob] What the he..?? How’d he do that??
[Chad] Seems as though Venus is not all style. But has some substance to him after all.
[Jessie] Venus rolls Thunder back into the ring, but Thunder is up and nails Venus with a spin kick. Thunder with a flying dropkick, and a hotshot. Thunder with a whip. He goes for a backdrop but Venus nails him with a kneelift.
[Bob] Uh oh… Venus is walking behind Thunder.
[Chad] I’d never let him walk behind me.
[Jessie] He’s got Thunder to his feet and steps behind, and lifts him up in a shoulder ride, then drops back in a suplex. That move is called the Ocean Cyclone Suplex and he nailed Thunder with it. Cover by Venus… one… two… and Thunder kicked out… but I don’t think Venus really wanted that pinfall. [Chad] Ooo… he’s got a mean streak… he’s still too much of a freak for me.
[Bob] Now what’s he doing?
[Jessie] Well… it looks like he’s setting up for a crotch slam… but… but… oh my… he’s taking a long time setting that up… I mean…
[Jessie/Chad/Bob] Can we show this on TV?
[Jessie] He lifts him up and slams him down with a crotch slam… and cover by Venus… one… two… three!
[Venus is walking back towards the locker room, when Nate approaches him]
[Nate] Venus, you made quick work of Miguel Thunder tonight. Any comments?
[Venus] Comments? Hmm… I suppose I could give a few comments, love. Miguel Thunder might be a big thing in the OWA, however this is the ICWF. Of course, Venus isn’t in the OWA either so that makes a world of difference. *grin*
[Nate] Incredible finisher! That crotch slam took it all out of Miguel Thunder, but I have to ask why it took so long to set up?
[Venus] *grin* You see… that’s not just an ordinary crotch slam. That’s the ‘Grope & Slam.’ You see… it’s really a combination move… *wink* If you ask Mr. Thunder about it, I’m sure he’ll turn several shades of red then run out of the building in shame. Perhaps, you’d like me to demonstrate?
[Nate] That’s all here… back to you guys… I’m getting the hell outta here!
[Jessie] Well, Nate McMahon discovering that the low man on the broadcasting totem pole gets the toughest interviews! Guess that lets Danny off the hook a little. Anyway, our final match of the evening involves yet another newcomer, the one and only Masked Avenger. The Avenger is here to do what he can to clean up the ICWF.
[Chad] Better men than THIS guy’ve tried–and failed.
[Lisa] Actually, almost nothing is known of the Avenger. He may be another wrestler in disguise, but we’ve not yet come up with any suspects.
[Jessie] Let’s see that match!
[Jessie] Our next match features another new contender in the ICWF. In fact, he’s so new, I’ve never heard of him before.
[Bob] He’s coming to the ring now. He’s wearing a mask. Looks like another one of Chad’s buddies.
[Chad] Don’t know the guy.
[Mike Duffer] And know from parts unknown, at 6’1″ and 205 pounds… in the blue trunks and boots… “The Masked Avenger!”
[Bob] He has got to be kidding… that’s all he put down for a name?
[Chad] I wonder if the Masked Marauder can sue.
[Mike Duffer] And his opponent tonight, at 6’4 and 260 pounds, in the black trunks, Billy “the Kid” Morgan!
[Jessie] As the announcer gets out of the ring, the Avenger walks out and holds out his hand for a shake. And his opponent accepts!
[Bob] A rare moment of sportsmanship in the ICWF.
[Chad] A rare moment of stupidity is more like it.
[Jessie] And then Morgan sends him to the ropes with a lariat! Good heads up move there… and a clothesline from Morgan that sends the Avenger to his back.
[Bob] The Avenger quickly rolls to his feet. Morgan throws a punch, but the avenger deflects it and hip tosses him to the mat. Looks like the Avenger has some decent amateur wrestling skills.
[Chad] Him and every other loser in town.
[Jessie] Now the avenger puts him in an armbar, he’s powering the hold. But Morgan is getting to his feet and trying to break it. Morgan makes it to the ropes. And the Avenger releases the hold!
[Chad] What a moron.
[Bob] It’s called being a good sportsman…
[Jessie] Morgan drops an elbow on the Avenger.
[Chad] That’s what good sportsmanship gets you.
[Jessie] Morgan body slams him to the mat, then he goes back to the ropes. He thunders across the ring for another clothesline… but the Avenger sees him coming and gets a tilt-the-whirl slam on him!
[Bob] He really nailed him with that one! He connects with a standing dropkick! Now he sends him across the ring with a lariat, and hits him with another tilt-the-whirl slam on the rebound. He goes for the pin.
[Jessie] Too soon. 1–2– and Morgan throws him off. Morgan is up and connects with a roundhouse. Now a kneelift. He’s driving him back into the buckle, and he slams the Avenger’s head into the turnbuckle! Looks like the Avenger going to lose his very first match.
[Bob] Morgan throws another illegal clenched fist, and the avenger ducks it! Morgan is holding his hand, he may have broken a knuckle on the post. The Avenger catches him with a karate chop and knocks Morgan back. Then he jumps to the second buckle, and leaps off for a cross-body block!
[Lisa] Looked for a second like Morgan was going to stay up, but he fell down. The Avenger doesn’t go for a pin this time. He jumps to his feet.
[Jessie] Morgan looks dazed! He stands up, and the Avenger gets him in a hammerlock.
[Chad] What a sissy move that is. If he would have hit him with a decent move, he might have a chance…
[Jessie] Now he’s pulling the hammerlock tighter and pushing Morgan up into the air… it’s a chickenwing! Morgan is yelling! He just gave up!
[Lisa] VERY similar to AC Hammers’ finisher.
[Chad] The Avenger let him out immediately. What a wuss.
[Bob] I won’t even try explaining it to you, Chad.
[Jessie] And now let’s join Nate at ringside for an interview with the Avenger.
[Camera switches to ringside]
[Lisa] Congratulations on your first win, Mr. Masked Avenger. Are you new to professional wrestling?
[Avenger] I have some experience in amateur wrestling, boxing, and the martial arts Lisa. I’m kind of a jack of all trades. I’ve tried to follow or participate in quite a few sports in my life.
[Lisa] So why the mask?
[Avenger] I’d just like to be able to keep my job and my private life separate.
[Lisa] So what are your plans in the ICWF?
[Avenger] I plan to make this federation my home. I’ve noticed there are a lot of people with really bad attitudes here in the ICWF who think that just because they have a little talent they can push everybody around. That isn’t going to happen while I’m in the building.
[Lisa] Good luck, Avenger. (The view returns to the studios.)
[Jessie] Quite a performance from the Avenger. It’ll be interesting to see how he performs against some of our bigger talent.
[Chad] He’ll get creamed, that’s how he’ll do.
[Bob] Come on, now, he looked good out there. Don’t sell him so short.
[Chad] I’d sell him for anything I could get.
[Jessie] Fans, we hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of the ICWF’s Squash City! We’ll have even more outstanding action for you next time. So for my broadcast colleagues, this is Jessie James saying, “So long!”