Mon. Sep 16th, 2019

The OWA Network

Preserving Wrestling’s Past For The Future

ICWF Squash City 2-24-1997

39 min read

Matches featuring the Masked Avenger, Elena Quartermain, Godiva Rage and more.

(The screen goes black. Grinding music shakes your television to its sub-woofers as the ICWF logo comes spinning out towards you. It stops dead-center, as gloss ripples across it from left to right. It explodes into metallic fragments, to be replaced by the words “SQUASH CITY”. This fades out, to open on Jessie, Bob, Chad, and Lisa, seated at a desk, with the show’s logo emblazoned on the wall of the studio behind them.)

Jessie: Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of Squash City! I’m Jessie James, and joining me are my broadcast colleagues, Bob Brodsky, Chad “Romeo” Romero, and “Luscious” Lisa Madison. Squash City will present matches featuring your favorite ICWF superstars in action, where they will showcase their skills for the world to see. Lisa?

Lisa: That’s right, Jessie. Squash City may not provide much suspense by way of match outcomes, but it presents a GREAT opportunity for the big names in the ICWF to put their talents on display, as well as issue big challenges for their opponents!

Chad: Don’t forget, boys and girls–these shows’ll appear on an erratic basis, and will vary in length, but it’s a great way to combine the squashes and interviews together when they come in from our arenas and shows around the country that a lotta you fans wouldn’t get to see.

Bob: Let’s go to our first feature–Tori Time!

TORI TIME: MIKE ANDERSON

(The camera changes to a plain-looking studio with two “director” style chairs, one supporting a gorgeous redhead wearing a black blouse and skirt, and high heels. Behind her are the words “Tori Time” in flowing red script.)

Tori: Welcome to the second edition of Tori Time. In our last episode I promised you that I would have a much more interesting opponent, and I’ve delivered. I’d like you all to give a warm welcome to wrestling great, five time heavyweight champ, Mike Anderson.

(Anderson enters to the applause of the studio personnel. He pauses to kiss Tori’s hand, then sits in the opposite chair.)

Tori: So Mike, has your neck recovered from our match? (She grins evilly.)

Mike: (He smiles sarcastically at her.) Smartass.

Tori: Oh, I have to be sure, Mike. After all, your health has to be tiptop so you can keep up with me when we tag together.

Mike: We’re…going to be a tag team?

Tori: Yes. We are.

Mike: Oh. I’m glad I found out before our first match.

Tori: Never fear. You would have found out when you looked at the schedule.

Mike: Well, not that I mind, really, but…don’t both of us have to sign with the matchmakers to qualify as a team?

Tori: Men are so accommodating to me, Mike. I never have to worry about little considerations like that. I just asked Jim Perry to sign us up very nicely, and he fell all over himself getting the paperwork for me.

Mike: I guess I can understand that. No problem, it sounds like fun.

Tori: And of course, now we need to look for potential victims. Do you know if JQ Smooth ever tag teams?

Mike: Not that I know of.

Tori: Even better. You can hold him down, and I’ll kick him.

Mike: JQ might have something to say about that….

Tori: Oh, you’re no fun at all, Mike! (Tori leans forward and gives him a dazzling smile, then winks.) I was just kidding, anyway.

Mike: (Swallows hard, his logical brain superseded by other instincts.) Uh, I, um….

Tori: Well, I’m sure that Mike has lots of interesting things to tell us, but unfortunately the annoying little man who keeps claiming he is in charge keeps waiving a sign that says we are out of time. (Sighs) I think that they are forgetting who the talent is around here. (She crosses her legs once more. The camera viewpoint dips down and focuses in on her long legs. Then some yelling can be heard in the background and the camera zooms back out.) Anything you’d like to say to the fans Mike?

Mike: Hm? Oh, just that between singles and tag-teaming, I think we’re gonna show the ICWF just how it’s done.

Tori: Well said. But before we go, don’t you fans think that Tori Time deserves more airtime? And for that matter, what about a better studio? If you agree that we are getting a bum-rap, then send your letters complaining about this poor treatment to the ICWF studios–(she smiles)–it might just save the director’s life….

(There is yelling in the background, and the camera goes black. Suddenly the view is back at ringside.)

MASKED AVENGER

(Beethoven’s 5th starts to play in the background, as a man in a white mask walks down the aisle to some mixed applause from the fans.)

Bob: Well, the Masked Avenger is back, and he has some new theme music.

Chad: What kind of crap is that to be playing during a match?

Bob: It’s a classic, and it’s really moving stuff Chad. Even you have to admit it kind of gets you going.

Chad: I don’t have to admit anything.

(The announcer: “At 6’1″ and 205 pounds, in the white mask and blue trunks, from parts unknown, the Masked Avenger!” As the Avenger gets in the ring the sound of drums starts to come over the speakers, and a tall black woman in a ceremonial mask walks down the aisle, wearing a jaguar leopard skin. “And his opponent for tonight, at 155 pounds and 6’0″, the Black Mamba!”)

Jessie: You gentleman may remember this woman’s last fight here at the ICWF. She is a former European champion, and has an impressive record. She gave Commando Karla quite a beating on her last visit to the states.

Chad: Who could forget her? She has a real will to win.

Jessie: The Avenger gets into the ring and waves to the crowd, and it takes the Mamba almost one second to cross the ring and catch him in the small of back with a flying drop kick! He bounced off of the turnbuckle and lands flat on his back on the mat.

Chad: Rookie mistake by the masked goon. The Mamba leaps in the air and does a leg drop across his neck. Now she starts to stomp him into the mat.

Bob: Disgusting behavior on the part of the champ. She’s not giving him a chance to recover.

Jessie: That is normally considered to be a good tactic, Bob.

Chad: Now she is strutting her stuff around the ring while the masked moron tries to get to his feet. Nice arms on that girl.

Bob: He gets to his feet and faces her. She turns and he gets his hands out to come to grips with her once again. She tightens her hand into a fist and hammers him in the jaw, then a right to his gut, then an uppercut. What’s the ref doing!

Chad: He’s smart, he is staying out of her way. She grabs his head and bounces it off of her knee, and the Avenger is down on the mat! As he starts to get up she does a backflip and then cartwheels on top of them. They land on a heap on the floor as she sandwiches him to the mat.

Bob: That probably took something out of her too. The Avenger is grabbing a hold of one rope and getting to his feet. The Mamba gets up confidently, and the Avenger gets her in a wristlock! Now he puts some leverage around makes her do a little dance while he bends her hand back at an impossible angle… now a lariat to the ropes. She rebounds, and he backdrops her!

Jessie: The Black Mamba quickly gets to her feet, and he goes for a small package. A 1… a 2… and the Mamba rolls out of the package. He almost got her, I’m surprised he got so close while she was so fresh.

Bob: The Avenger and the Mamba roll up simultaneously and face each other in the center of the ring. The Mamba puts her hands up. She is signaling for a test of strength. He’s going for it. Let’s see who is stronger.

Chad: She just sent her knee into his groin! He is in agony!

Black Mamba: Nice amateur moves. Now welcome to the pros!

Bob: This kind of behavior from an ex-beltholder is disgusting.

Chad: Yes! She sends him to the ropes and catches him with a drop kick on the rebound. She drops an elbow into his prone form, then jumps up and waves to the crowd!

Jessie: The crowd looks like they would like to run this woman out on a rail, but she doesn’t seem to care.

Bob: He’s getting back up, a real show of fortitude. As he tries to gain his balance she grabs his hand and hurls him to the ropes once again, and does a Frankensteiner! He landed on top of his head!

Chad: He had oatmeal for brains before, it shouldn’t effect anything.

Jessie: I think the avenger may be out cold, although you can’t be certain with the mask. But mamba doesn’t appear to want to cover him.

Bob: She obviously has no respect for her opponent at all, but I think she is making a mistake. Now she is climbing up to the turnbuckle and flexing for the crowd. She is taking an awfully long time to set up this move.

Chad: This is it!

Bob: Wait, he’s up! He comes up behind her– it’s a superplex! She’s down!

Chad: He has just enough left in him to roll over onto her and pull up her leg!

Jessie: The referee is starting to count!

1…

 2…

 3!!!! And the Masked Avenger triumphs after absorbing a tremendous amount of punishment!

Chad: Oh no! I can’t believe that lucky jerk pulled the match out with one move!

Jessie: The mamba has been counted out, she got up about two seconds too late. The referee is raising his hand. I would have to say that was a picture perfect superplex, just about the best I’ve seen. When he gets his moves in, he does have very good execution. His opponent put him through a lot today, I suspect he probably learned some things about how to handle himself in the pros.

Chad: He’s rolling out of the ring and hurrying out of here. First smart thing I’ve seen him do, the Mamba looks ready to kill him. She just got to her feet.

Jessie: Let’s see if we Sam can get a word with him.

Sam: Hold up there partner! Nice last second win.

Avenger: She’s quite an athlete. I just wish she had a little more regard for the rules. (He is stooped over a bit.)

Sam: I know that groin hit had to hurt. How did you manage to nail her with that superplex after taking all that punishment?

Avenger: I don’t believe in quitting, and she made the mistake of playing to the crowd. That was all it took. It seems like most of the fighters in this league like to gradually beat their foe into the ground til he can’t resist any more, but I think a lot of the tactics used in the amateurs can be used here, successfully. If you follow a good move with the proper pin, you can take the win without beating your opponent into submission.

Sam: Good luck pardner. Back to you, Jessie.

Chad: (laughing uncontrollably)

Bob: Shut up Chad. What spirit he has, what determination. I think he’s going to bring some class back to the sport.

Jessie: It is nice to see someone trying something a little different. We’ll see if it pays off.


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, there’s a rumor on the grapevine that renegade wrestling promoter Eric Bitchoff is forming a faction within the ICWF, called the New World Federation! Is the NWF for real? And who does he have in mind as members! For the complete story, call my Insider Hotline at 1-900- 555-INFO! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!


Jessie: Our next matchup features a newcomer to the ranks of the ICWF, the Penultimate Dragon, against one of the established stars, Elena Quartermain.

Chad: Elena’s gonna make mincemeat outta this turkey — she’s gonna send him back to Japan with his little dragon tail between his legs. Hey Duffmeister, take it away.

ELENA QUARTERMAIN

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first, from Japan, <Japanese music begins playing on the PA>, weighing 235 pounds, the PENULLLLLTIMATE DRAAAAGONNNNN!

<A man wearing an elaborate mask and bright green costume with “dragon” scales down the back walks to the ring, practicing some Karate moves as he goes. He’s followed out by a small, ferret-like Japanese man wearing glasses and a three-piece suit and carrying a camera. He takes flash photos of the fans and insults them on the way to the ring.>

Chad: Who’s the dweeb with the Dragon?

Bob: I’m surprised at you Romero. That’s Sonny OhNo, the Penultimate Dragon’s manager. And of course, that makes the Penultimate Dragon a rule-breaker.

Chad: Come again?

Bob: Everyone knows that anyone with an Oriental manager is up to no good.

Chad: Brodsky, sometimes you amaze me.

Duffer: And his opponent, <the Japanese music fades and the sounds of a jungle are heard — birds, monkeys, the roar of a lion> weighing 165 pounds, the Great White Huntress, ELENA QUARRRRTERMAINNNNN!

<Elena comes out, dressed in a tan fedora hat, khaki short-shorts, and a sleeveless khaki shirt tied just below her breasts. She’s carrying a bullwhip. Her greeting is mixed, even though she’s not a fan favorite, because of Sonny OhNo’s antics.>

Bob: Romero, isn’t Elena one of the wrestlers you manage? Shouldn’t you be up there?

Chad: What, and deprive our fans of my expert commentary? Nah, Elena can take care of herself fine. And Rose is around, just in case.

Jessie: Elena drops the fedora and bullwhip into the corner and — the Dragon attacks from behind! Clothesline to the back of the head, and it drives Elena into the turnbuckle face-first! The Dragon spins her around — BIG chop by the Penultimate Dragon. Now a monkey-flip, and Elena hits the mat hard. She’s on her feet — spin wheel kick by the Dragon. He’s trying to end this one quickly!

Bob: I can’t approve of those tactics, but they are effective! Now the Dragon with a springboard splash, and the count — Elena kicks out with authority!

Chad: That’s it Elena — get up and kick his —

Bob: Chad! I thought you were supposed to be objective!

Chad: Aahh, objective this!

Jessie: Now the Penultimate Dragon goes for a full nelson — his finisher is a tiger suplex, and he might be going for it already!

Chad: Ha! Elena powers out and reverses! Now she’s got the Dragon off his feet in a full nelson and she’s shaking him like a dog shakes a rat! Atta girl, Elena! Show that wimp who’s the boss!

Jessie: They’re pretty close to the ropes — Sonny OhNo’s up on the apron! He flashes that camera right in Elena’s eyes! She’s temporarily blinded and drops the Dragon! He turns — whip to the ropes, and a dropkick by the Penultimate Dragon! He pulls her up by the hair — whip to the turnbuckles, NO! She reverses and the Penultimate Dragon hits hard! She goes to work on him now, there’s a kick to the gut, forearm uppercut, now a chop! The ref backs her off, but the Dragon looks dazed, though it’s hard to tell in that mask.

Chad: That little weasel wants to take pictures, eh? I’ll give him something to take a picture of!

Bob: Chad! Put that finger away! You don’t know where it’s been!

Jessie: The ref is finished chastising Elena and she moves back in. The Dragon’s recovered somewhat, and tries a kick to Elena’s gut but she just stares at him! He tries it again and she catches his leg! Enzuigiri by the Dragon, but Elena ducks and the Dragon hits the mat! Elena still has his foot trapped, and she turns it into a Boston half-crab!

Chad: OhNo’s on the apron again, and Elena drops the Dragon’s leg and grabs his camera before he can take another picture! Whoa! She clocks him upside the head with his own camera! Sonny OhNo’s out like a light! Or a flash bulb!

Bob: The Dragon tries to take advantage of her distraction but she turns around just in time. Scoop and a slam by Elena! Corkscrew elbow! She picks the Penultimate Dragon up by the mask and tosses him through the ropes! She goes right out after him. Whip to the guardrail by Elena! The Penultimate Dragon looks hurt!

Jessie: Sonny OhNo’s getting up. He sees the pieces of his camera and he’s going berserk! He runs around the ring at Elena, screaming at her in Japanese! She’s pressing the Penultimate Dragon overhead, and she tosses him right on top of Sonny OhNo!

Chad: Oh Yes! Sonny’s down again! Elena now with a bear hug on the Dragon, and she rams his back into the edge of the ring! Again! Now she rolls him into the ring!

Bob: And she’s showing off — I’d think that after seeing what happened to the Black Mamba at the hands of the Masked Avenger people would learn not to do that.

<The next several minutes consist of Elena putting on a show. Suplexes, slams, saltos, dropkicks, and a series of punishing holds — armlocks, abdominal stretches, body scissors, grapevines — leave the Penultimate Dragon ripe for the picking.>

Jessie: The Penultimate Dragon’s on his feet but he looks shaky. He tries a chop — blocked! Elena with a pickup, there’s a one-arm bodyslam! Elena’s showing us just how strong she is! Another pickup and slam! I’d say the Penultimate Dragon’s about had it!

Chad: Elena agrees with you — she draws her finger across her throat! Here it comes, the Coup de Grace!

Bob: The Koo da what? Quit speaking Spanish!

Chad: “Coup de Grace”. It’s French, Boobsky! It means she’s gonna finish him off now!

Jessie: Elena presses the Dragon overhead! Now she brings him down into a PILEDRIVER! What a finishing move!

Bob: What arrogance! She’s sitting astride his head and crosses his hands on his chest, now she uses one hand for the pin! There’s the three count! It’s all over!

Chad: Elena ain’t done yet! She turns the wimp over and is unlacing his mask! The ref’s trying to stop her — lotsa luck, chump! OhNo’s back on the ring apron and he’s yelling in Japanese at the ref! Elena’s ignoring all this, and she’s got the Dragon’s mask off! I gotta say, he looked better with it on!

Jessie: She tucks the mask into the waist of her shorts and stands up. Now what? She picks the Penultimate Dragon up over one shoulder and is leaving the ring with him! Nate McMahon, can you get the interview?

Nate: I’ll try! Elena! That was quite a display!

Elena: Mr. McMahon, you will address me as Ms. Quartermain.

Nate: All right, Ms. Quartermain. <Indicates the Penultimate Dragon, still draped over Elena’s shoulder.> Um, isn’t he heavy? Don’t you want to put him down?

Elena: Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. McMahon. His weight is nothing to me. Now, this was just a sample of what I have in store for the Masked Avenger. Avenger, yours is the next head in my trophy case. I’m going to wrestle you into oblivion, beat you so badly your bones are going to ache, and then apply the Coup de Grace. Then I’m going to take your mask and hang it next to the trophy I acquired today.

Nate: <squirms a little> Why the Masked Avenger?

Elena: I saw the interview he did earlier. He seems to think that “playing to the crowd” is a mistake, and that because he has a good background in amateur wrestling he’s better than some. Let me tell you something Avenger! A win over the Black Mamba is one thing, but Elena Quartermain does not get distracted. I can wrestle in any style I choose, I simply prefer to demolish and humiliate my foes rather than, what was it you said? “Follow a good move with a proper pin?” <She leans closer to the camera>. The truth is, Avenger, I LIKE beating my foes into submission. I like seeing bruises form on my opponent’s flesh as my fists and boots pound him. I like the little whimpering sounds my opponent makes when I’ve got him trapped in a painful hold. I enjoy feeling ribs bend when I’ve got an opponent trapped in my body scissors. <Nate squirms again>. So, Masked Avenger, if you have the intestinal fortitude, I’m calling you out. Anytime, anywhere. <She carries the Penultimate Dragon away>

Nate: <Gulp> There you have it, Jessie, Elena Quartermain is after the Masked Avenger. Now for these messages….


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, my sources tell me that a member of the Rage family spent a little time in the hoosegow–that’s jail if you don’t know–and had to be bailed out before a big match! Which one was it? I can’t tell here, but for the complete story, call my Insider Hotline at 1-900- 555-INFO! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!

GODIVA RAGE

Shadoe: Freak out! Freak out! Everybody listen up and listen good! Because I’m just gonna say this once! Introducing … yeah … the British Bombshell … from London, England … weighing 158lbs … my sister … my favorite wrestler in all the world … GODIVA RAGE! YEAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

-ding–ding–ding–ding-

“Bring the Pain” draws a pop from the crowd as Godiva Rage struts down the aisle in a big white fur.]

Medusa: Uh oh. When she wears stuff like that you know what’s underneath is going to be very risqué.

Derek: She and Shadoe. They just love to be flamboyant. I don’t know which one is worse. They’re just pure exhibitionists. What’d she put on in the dressing room, D?

Dalbello: Trust me, you don’t want to know.]

Shadoe: All right … and her opponent … from Nowhere and headed right back there … the Ultra Warrior.

Derek: Did he say Worrier?

Dalbello: Warrior.

The Ultra-Warrior rushes to the ring. As he bounces off the ropes Godiva leaps into his arms and plants a big wet kiss on his lips.]

Medusa: Well, that stopped him!

Derek: Didn’t hurt more than that knee to the groin!!!

Dalbello: And Godiva following up with a hard double sledgehammer blow! She’s firing away with double axhandle and kicks to the jaw! This is incredible! I know my sister’s strong, but damn.

Medusa: She’s been putting in her time in the gym with Dekkie.

Derek: Let me tell you. She works harder than me in there.

Dalbello: And she’s using my repertoire! That was a good-looking neckbreaker right there!

Medusa: And the Ultra-Warrior is flipping around like a fish. I don’t think he expected this kind of abuse.

Dalbello: Always expect it when it comes to Godiva. And she’s been wearing that fur all match. I just hope the belt holds.

Medusa: What’s she got under there?

Dalbello: Don’t ask. I really got to have a chat with that girl.

Derek: Well, she’s got a keen knowledge of her power moves! She’s got the Warrior by the throat! He’s breathing hard. Damn. That chokeslam was harder than my dunks.

Medusa: Is the ICWF really this full of stiffs? I mean when’s the real challenge going to come. Get a few good holds on them and they can’t last.

Dalbello: Sort of like your last boyfriend, eh.

Derek: Let’s leave that right there. Man present, thank you.

Medusa: What should I expect from a man who had a basketball team named after him?

Derek: Who dat?

Medusa: (giggling) The Massachusetts Minute Men.

All three laugh]

Dalbello: Oh, ‘diva’s going for the Bombshell.

Medusa: And hits it! The Warrior just snapped off the top rope. Hey, wait a minute. Who’s that?

Venus struts around ringside, running his fingers through his hair as Godiva steps on the Warrior’s chest for the three count. The Warrior seems to be gaping slightly.

Derek: Is this the thing about the hair? Who the hell cares who’s got better hair? That don’t make sense to me.

Dalbello: And Godiva motioning to Shadoe for the mic.

Godiva: Venus, you may think you have beautiful hair, but I guarantee you don’t have this!

There’s a loud audio pop as Godiva throws down the mic. She unbelts the fur and throws it open. Huge crowd pop.

Medusa: Censors! Censors! Aw, man, we gotta keep ‘diva from living up to her name!

Derek: Man, talk to that girl. She wrestled nekkid? What’s the hell is that?

Dalbello: She gets these terrible ideas in her head. She just wants to embarrass everybody. I don’t know what she’s thinking.

Medusa: Well, it’s getting her more attention than she can shake a stick at.

Derek: This shot’s going to be all over the internet now, though.


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Hi, fans. I don’t want to start any rumors, but my sources tell me that a certain OWA superstar may have done–of all things–a pornographic movie! I can’t tell you his name, but I’ll be happy to give you the details if you call my Insider Hotline at 1-900-555-INFO! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!

DEREK RAGE

Dalbello: Ladies and gentlemen … the following contest is scheduled for one fall … introducing first … already in the ring … some no talent from Detroit, Michigan … Edsel.

Dalbello dismisses him handily as she moves on.]

Dalbello: And his opponent … from Halifax, Nova Scotia … weighing 325lbs … taller than Shaq … more graceful than Hakeem … and can leap higher than Shawn Kemp … my baby brother [sigh: and I’m so glad I can finally tag with him … DEREK RAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Medusa: He always was her favorite.

“Who’s Da Champion” by Ghostface Killer pumps over the PA system as the enormous Derek Rage stalks down the aisle, wrapped in a short, hooded robe. He dribbles a basketball to the beat as he marches toward the ring.]

Shadoe: He’s the finest partner a man could have. I’ve teamed with a lot of people. But nobody and I mean nobody could ever take it to a man like Derek. Big D always got your back.

Medusa: Dekkie just really fits this mold, doesn’t he? I mean he’s a brilliant, brilliant wrestler. And people get fooled by all that size.

Shadoe: Here we go. Finish it quick, big man! Don’t show it all here!

-ding–ding–ding-

Dalbello: Ladies and gentlemen … here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to end this match in less than thirty seconds all right. Dusa, you ready with the countdown?

Medusa: Check! 30!

Shadoe: And Derek with a savage kick to the big seven-footer’s gut! There’s that 51 inch vertical leap!

Medusa: And Edsel is down with that double axhandle! Derek with the Irish whip … HAMMER OF GOD!!! [A clawhold into a human dunk.]

Shadoe: How much time is passed?

Medusa: Fifteen seconds.

Shadoe: Ten left, Dal! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four!

Medusa: And Derek with the pinky pin. 1 … 2 … 3. Just like that.

-ding–ding–ding-

Shadoe: And I thought the ICWF would be difficult. It really isn’t, is it?

Dalbello: Ladies and gentlemen … that’s all … goodnight from the Prophets of Rage!

Medusa: Hugs and hisses!

Shadoe: And die in darkness!


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Hello, fans. Spring is in the air here in the ICWF, and that means love is just around the corner. Cupid’s arrow has struck, but would you believe me if I told you it scored a bulls-eye on “Gorgeous” Gretchen Gwynne and–get this–the MASKED MARAUDER?!? I have special information that you’re just NOT gonna believe! Call my Insider Hotline at 1-900-555-INFO! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!

SPAZZ

Jessie: Now that the Rages have given us control again, let’s go to our next match!

<Guitar riffs begin to sound and the fan tempo rises as the camera cuts to Michael Duffer in the ring.>

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a one-fall bout with a twenty-minute time limit. <Fan cheers rise as Bret Hartman emerges from the locker room, wearing his characteristic pink-and-black tights. His hair is wet and slicked back. As he passes the fans, he pulls off a pair of cheap plastic wrap-arounds and puts them on a young boy.> At 232 pounds, this is…Bret “The Mechanic” HART-man!!!

Michael Duffer: And his opponent…

(“War Machine” by Kiss begins to blare over the house P.A. A short, stocky, buzz-cut man in a black singlet with an orange “S” on the front makes his way down the aisle past the fans, followed by a group of men in hooded orange pullovers, and a twitchy, hyperactive dork in an orange shirt and black shorts. He bounces around behind the approaching wrestler, blowing a whistle and making rude gestures at the fans.) From the Heart of Darkness…weighing 252 pounds…here…is…SPAZZZ!!! (Spaz climbs through the ropes and into the ring, where he assumes a broad stance and crosses his thick arms. Team Spaz assembles behind him in his corner, while “whistle man” blows shrilly and jerks manically on the ropes.)

Bob: Oh, boy, just who I wanted to see. This no-account has no place in a fine sport like this! And HOW does he put up with that twit manager of his, Bill Alfonse?

Alfonse: (Screaming to the fans.) Who can stop the path of rage?!?! Who can stop the path of rage?!?

Jessie: Well, Spaz is definitely a top-notch talent, but there’s no doubting that he has a certain…attitude.

Chad: ‘Attitude’ is an understatement. This man is PISSED, 24 hours a day.

Jessie: There’s the bell…and Spaz ducks under Hartman and hooks him…OH! Huge takeover Spazplex! Hartman flew six feet in the air!

Chad: What power! He’s a monster!

Lisa: He’s really managed to meld his powerlifting and martial arts backgrounds to tremendous effect.

Bob: It’s a terrible shame he’s just so…unsavory.

Jessie: Hartman staggers up, and Spaz with another lock-up, this time from behind. He throws him–OH! Wheelbarrow Spazplex! Now a succession of kicks and stomps to the downed Hartman!

Chad: That’s it, Spaz! Take that chump out!

(Spaz continues in this fashion, utilizing an impressive sequence of suplexes, saltos, and slams. Hartman is totally incapable of any kind of offense as he suffers a series of awesome impact moves….)

Jessie: Spaz with a lockup from behind…I believe this is the setup….

Chad: It is! German Spazplex that sends Hartman flying! He lands face-down from about ten feet up!

Jessie: He’s measuring Hartman…and now he’s got it locked in! There’s the Spazmission!

Chad: He’s got those legs around Hartman’s waist, and that Judo choke locked in!

Hartman’s history!

Jessie: And there’s the bell! But Spaz isn’t letting go!

Chad: Come on, Spaz! Put him all the way out! (Chad laughs maniacally as Bill Alphonse jumps into the ring, to begin shrieking his whistle and jerking the ropes again.)

Jessie: The ref has finally convinced him to let go, and Spaz rises.

Michael Duffer: (“War Machine” by Kiss begins to play again.) Your winner, by submission…SPAZZZZ!!!

Spaz: (Swiping the mic.) Stop the f**kin’ music! (The tape stops, and he looks out at the camera.) Well, I finally got laughin’ boy to come outta his shell and talk ta me. Good to see you got SOME balls, you f**kin’ a**hole! You talk about how you came from the streets, actin’ like you’re bad. You ain’t sh*t, muthaf**ka!!! *I* hadda whip ass FOR you while you were off dippin’ your wick in some jailbait! Same thing when we were wrestlin’–I CARRIED your stupid ass! Now you come to some creampuff piece a sh*t fed like this and think you’re somebody. You ain’t NOTHIN’, jerkoff! Look at this chump! (Points at the twitching Bret Hartman.) You call this competition? BULLSH*T!!! Laughin’ boy, I got one thing in store for you–PAIN. LOTS of pain. I cost you your belt, and before it’s all over with I’m gonna cost you a LOT more than that. I promise you that.

Another thing. I never realized all the stupid muthaf**kas that were in this fed until I got here. Some a you idiots don’t got the good sense to stay outta my F**KIN’ way! Medusa Rage, you wanna call MY name? You wanna lay claim to the word ‘rage’? I got news for ya, you stupid b*tch! I AM RAGE!!! I am the livin’, breathin’, sh*ttin’ incarnation of the word, and if you or any of your inbred muthaf**kin’ family members get in my way, I will DESTROY your asses! You got me?

Finally, I just wanna say this. Frank Knight! Think you’re fantastic? You fairy punk-ass faggot, anytime you want a beatin’, you just say the word and I’ll stick my foot straight up your ass. You hate gimmicks? Fine. I ain’t no gimmick. I’m 250 pounds of hate and spit and destruction, and any time you wanna find out just how much badder I am than you, then you just bring it to the ring and I’ll demonstrate. Bring a body bag.

(Spaz throws the mic down, and stalks out with his entourage. His music begins to play again.)

Alfonse: (Screaming to the fans.) Who can stop the path of rage?!?! Who can stop the path of rage?!?

Jessie: STRONG words from Spaz! Sounds like he’s already letting certain ICWF stars get under his skin!

Chad: No kiddin’! I wonder if we’re gonna hear any replies?

Jessie: Only time will tell, Chad. We’ll be back after this!


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, everyone is well aware of that weasel, Rob Foster. What you may NOT know is that he slips away under cover of night and–supports the Special Olympics? Is it true? Call my Insider Hotline at 1-900-555- INFO! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!


Jessie: Hello, we’re back. And up next is the debut of one of our more…interesting new teams.

Chad: Hey, you don’t have to say it, Jess, I will. They’re freaks!

Bob: Two people who seem to have a positive view on life and don’t yell and scream about trashing people, and you don’t like them. What a surprise.

Chad: Oooo, was that sarcasm? Couldn’t tell.

Jessica: Let’s go to Mike Duffer for the announcements.

HAPPY PEOPLE

MD: Wrestling fans… (The arena goes silent. Mike smiles.) This next event is scheduled for one fall, and has a ten minute time limit. Introducing first, to my left, already in the ring. They hail from Parts Unknown, and weigh in at 547 lbs. Here are Mr. X and the Assassin!

(Mr. X and the Assassin jump up to the turnbuckles to harass the fans. Several people in the front row fall asleep.)

MD: And their opponents… (“Shiny Happy People” by R.E.M. comes over the loud speakers.) Weighing in at 423 lbs. Here are (Mike pauses, in an attempt not to smile) Happy Man and Happy Woman, the Happy People!

(Happy Man and Happy Woman come down to ringside, hugging fans and slapping hands and smiling and giggling and just being…happy! Happy Man wears a black singlet with a happy face on it. Happy Woman wears a black bikini, kneepads, and boots, with…happy faces on them. They are just so…happy!)

Chad: I’m…gonna puke. (Artificial retching sounds are heard over the mike.)

Bob: Stop that! For God’s sake, exercise SOME decorum out here!

Chad: Hey, I gotta have fun here somehow. You’re not much help.

Jessica: The Happy People hitting the ring, and the two masked wrestlers charge! Mr. X pummeling Happy Man while Assassin whips Woman to the far corner!

Bob: Nope, a reversal from HW, and she slings Assassin to the ropes and follows it up with a kick to the …thigh I think. It looked awful close. Assassin rolling around on the mat and…What’s he saying?

Chad: He’s threatening to sue I think. Hey, too bad he didn’t have a camera! Then he could have gotten big bucks!

Jessica: Leave it alone, Chad. Assassin being tossed out of the ring and Happy Man still being hit by Mr. X…

Bob: That’s because X hasn’t even fazed the huge Happy Man yet. Now HM scoops X up, and bodyslams him! And Happy Man smiles out to the crowd! That’s real sportsmanship!

Chad: And the ref forcing Vomit woman out of the ring…

Jessica: Happy Woman, Chad. Let’s try and get the names right.

Chad: I call ’em like I see ’em.

Bob: That explains the dark glasses. And now Happy Man dropping an elbow on Mr. X. And another. And now a knee to the downed wrestler. Mr. X being battered by the newcomers today.

Jessica: Certainly not a new experience for him. Happy Man with a pickup, and a sling to the ropes. Dropkick! Impressive maneuver from someone of his size.

Bob: And now, Happy Man tagging to Happy Woman. Woman coming in and smiling to the crowd. She’s helping X to his feet! See, I told you they were true sportspeople.

Jessica: And HM uses the opportunity to nail X with a standing clothesline! And now, she’s stomping on the downed X. Ohh…that stomp looked awfully close to a low blow. Chad.

Chad: Yeah, maybe these freaks aren’t that bad after all.

(The match continues for a few more minutes, with Happy Woman destroying her masked opponent. Mr. X and the Assassin make several tags, mostly because Happy Woman tosses them to their corner and tells them to tag out. Happy Man stands a little dazed on the apron, and occasionally asks for a tag. HW smiles at him, tells him nicely that she’s alright, and then continues to assault the other wrestler.

Bob: Happy Woman now, trapping the Assassin in an Abdominal Stretch. And, I’ve got to say, Chad, Happy Woman has sadly disappointed me.

Chad: Ahh, cry me a river! Happy Woman destroying the chumps and smiling the whole time! And she looks damned sexy in black.

Jessica: Happy Woman releasing the Assassin from the hold and turning it into a Russian leg sweep. A pickup, and another boot to the thigh from the Happy one.

Chad: Thigh…right! And now, ohhh, that has to hurt!

Bob: Happy woman with a crotch pick-up on Assassin. Looks like…a crotch slam! That’s her finisher, isn’t it?

Jessica: She calls it “come along and get happy”.

Bob: Well, Assassin doesn’t look very happy as HW moves to the pin position. 1…2…

Chad: HE KICKED OUT! ASSASSIN KICKED…oh, no, that was a twitch…never mind.

MD: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, The Happy People!!

(A mixed reaction from the crowd as the ref raises the victor’s hands.)

Bob: The crowd not knowing quite what to make of the bizarre antics from Happy Woman.

Chad: Neither does Happy Man! He seems a little confused as he talks with Happy Woman.

Jessica: Happy Woman all smiles as she talks to her partner. The two of them making their way back to the locker room. And, again, we see the hugs and hand slaps from the Happy People. Chad, don’t you have an interview to do?

Chad: No way! I don’t care what she did in the ring, there’s no way I’m going to interview those two while they’re acting like that.

Bob: It’s part of your job, Chad.

Chad: So what? Hey, Shoemaker can’t fire me. Who else would work with you two for what he pays me?

Jessie: Chad, you’re amazing. Fans, we’ll be back after these messages!


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, “Fantastic” Frank Knight has made quite a splash since arriving here in the ICWF. You won’t believe this, but he recently had an altercation with none other than world boxing champion, Evander Holyfield! What was it about, and can the ultimate “Boxing vs. Wrestling” confrontation be coming? Call my Insider Hotline at 1-900- 555-INFO! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!


Chad: Our next match features a pair of my favorite ladies —

Bob: You call them ladies?

Chad: And you’d call them?

Bob: Something much less complimentary.

Chad: But not to their faces, right?

Bob: Of course not. I — hey!

Chad: As I was saying, the Body Girls are here to clobber those jerks the Olympians.

Bob: Romero, someday I’m gonna…

Jessie: All right boys, knock it off. Mike Duffer, take it away!

BODY GIRLS

Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Introducing first, at a combined weight of 521 pounds, Apollo and Adonis, the OLYYYYMMMMMPIANNNNSSS!

<Two large men, both in white singlets and boots, one with dark hair and the other blonde walk to the ring, acknowledging non-existent cheers.>

Duffer: Their opponents are the ICWF IC Tag champions! At a 335 pounds, here are Randi and Brandi, the BODY GIRRRRRLLLLLSSSSS!

<The PA blasts “Shake Your Foundations” as Randi and Brandi make their way to the ring. They’re wearing matching white half-tank tops with pelvic thongs, boots and pads.>

Jessie: The Body Girls hit the ring and start beating on Adonis and Apollo! Has there been a bell yet? Randi has Apollo up and gorilla-slams him to the mat! Brandi whips Adonis into the ropes and clotheslines him out of the ring! Now both Body Girls are going to work on Apollo! They whip him into the ropes — double shoulder to the gut!

Bob: Come on ref, blow the whistle! Two on one’s illegal procedure!

Chad: Looks like Brandi and Randi are out to prove something here. Now the ref, I. M. Kookie, has persuaded Randi to leave. Adonis has crawled his way up the steps to the apron, so it looks like the legal wrestlers are Brandi and Apollo. Brandi whips Apollo into the ropes — reversed by the big goof. He hits Brandi with a clothesline, but she doesn’t go down! She just stares at him! Now Apollo off the ropes, another clothesline, same effect!

Jessie: The two are standing face to face, and Apollo seems to be telling Brandi to give him a clothesline! Brandi off the ropes — and Apollo does a 360 in midair as she smashes into him with a big running clothesline! Brandi pulls him over to her corner and tags in Randi! Brandi still has hold of Apollo’s leg — Randi off the top rope with a knee drop to the big man’s back! Now Randi picks Apollo up and slams him down across her knee with a vicious backbreaker!

Bob: This is disgusting — parading around like that! I — uh — oh my…

Chad: What’s the matter, Bob? Body Girl got your tongue? Randi’s puttin’ on a show, strutting around the ring. Apollo’s tryin’ to get to his feet. Randi helps him up and whips him into his corner!

Randi: Come on, I want a new playmate!

Chad: Adonis don’t look too anxious to get in the ring, but Apollo tags him and the ref orders him in. Adonis seems a little reluctant to tie up with Randi. She’s offering a test of strength. Adonis stretches out his hands and they lock fingers — boot to the gut by Randi! Hah! The big goof actually thought she was serious!

Jessie: Randi with a double axhandle to Adonis’ back! Now she pulls him up by the hair and — there’s a neckbreaker by Randi! Adonis is down again! She pulls him to his feet again and whips him to the rope — tilt-a-whirl slam! Now she’s wrapping her legs around his head — that headscissors looks brutal! Adonis is trying to kick out, but Randi keeps him locked up easily. Adonis is able to hook a leg over the bottom rope and the ref’s calling for a break.

Bob: She’s taking her time releasing him, though. Now Randi lets Adonis go and picks him up with a handful of hair — when are these referees going to enforce the rules? A kick to the belly doubles Adonis over. Randi snaps him up — power bomb!

Chad: Ooh, that must’ve hurt.

Bob: Randi picks Adonis back up and carries him to her corner. She slams him into the turnbuckles, and starts driving her shoulder into his midsection! I. M. Kookie is trying to get her to break, and she’s arguing with the ref. In the meantime, Brandi has wrapped an arm around Adonis’ throat! She’s choking him out!! Come on ref, turn around!

Jessie: I. M. Kookie finally does turn around and Brandi lets Adonis go. Now Randi tags Brandi in and they’re both slamming kicks into Adonis! The ref starts counting, and Randi leaves the ring. Brandi scoops Adonis up and slams him hard to the mat. Corkscrew elbow drop by Brandi and Adonis is just about out! Brandi picks Adonis up and plants him on the top turnbuckle!

Chad: Yeah! She’s gonna put him out! Brandi goes up and locks Adonis’ head between her thighs! Here it comes — piledriver off the top!

Bob: Why isn’t she pinning him? She’s got the match won!

Chad: She ain’t satisfied! Now she picks him up and carries him to his corner! She’s ordering Apollo to tag him!

Jessie: Apollo does so reluctantly, and Brandi lets Adonis drop and kicks him under the ropes. Adonis falls to the floor and Apollo steps in. He kicks her in the belly, but she doesn’t give an inch! Now she returns the favor and Apollo doubles over! There’s a big knee lift and Apollo goes down! She pulls him up and — bulldog headlock! Apollo’s down!

Bob: There’s another disgusting display by the Body Girl — she’s running her hands over her body and — uh — wow….

Jessie: Bob! Can’t you keep your mind on the — oh my, look at that…

Chad: My colleagues seem to be — oooh, that’s very nice….

Jessie: Mmmm, I — oh, yeah, the match. Now Brandi tags Randi in. Brandi hauls Apollo up while Randi heads for the top rope. Brandi has Apollo in the torture rack! I. M. Kookie is trying to get Brandi to leave the ring! Randi flies off the top rope — double sledge to Apollo while he’s in the rack!

Chad: Hah! That oughtta do it! Now Randi kneels on top of Apollo and Brandi’s running her hands all over Randi’s body — whoa….

Bob: Unhhh…

Jessie: I. M. Kookie was a little slow counting to three — I think he’s as distracted as my two drooling associates here. Now Randi gets off Apollo and the girls toss him on top of his partner, who was just getting to his feet.

Duffer: The winners of the match, the IC Tag Champions, the BODDDDY GIRRRRLLLLSS!

Jessie: A brutal display of dominance by our Intercontinental Champions. We’ll be back after these messages!


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: As you’re well aware, the Kingpin is one of the snappiest dressers in the ICWF. However, my sources tell me that he used to wear something else entirely…like cloth robes? Did the Syndicate’s top dog used to be a flower-selling MOONIE?!? I can’t tell you now, but call my Insider Hotline at 1-900-555-INFO for the whole story! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!

VISION IN VIOLET

Jessie: Fans, the Vision in Violet recently faced the mysterious Yakuza at a house show, a match in which she unexpectedly put the TV title on the line. She won with a superplex, and had these comments after the match:

(The Vision in Violet stands in ring center, with Yakuza twitching in the foreground. Her manager, Andrea Cantor, stands to one side, holding a silver trophy in the shape of a TV set, complete with rabbit ears. ViV takes the mic and begins to speak.)

ViV: Gretchen Gwynne, if you think I care in the least about the TV Championship belt you’re holding even though you’re not the champion, you are even dumber than I thought. I *am* the champion–and since the officials here haven’t given me a symbol of it, I’ve had one made myself. (Andrea comes in and hands her the trophy.) Now, I’m ready to face some more talented challengers than this one, like Dark Paladin–

(Andrea whispers in ViV’s ear, and the champ’s jaw drops.)

You have got to be kidding me! They are giving Spaz a shot?!? Oh well, I can take him as well as anyone… but don’t forget, Dark Pact, I still have my eyes on y’all!

(She drops the mic, and walks away as the scene fades….)


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, word has it that a major EWWA superstar has tested positive for substance abuse–and has been expelled from that organization! Could she be headed for the ICWF? Call my Insider Hotline at 1-900-555-INFO and get the whole story! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, which ICWF superstar has been breeding wolverines for profit? I can’t tell you now, but call my Insider Hotline at 1-900-555-INFO for the whole story! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to get your parents’ permission before calling! We’ll be back after this!

JOHANNA

Michael Duffer: The following match is for one fall with a twenty minute time limit. Introducing first, at 275 pounds, from Daytona, Florida…here is… Flex Luger!!!

(A well-muscled, horse-faced man strides down to ringside, to a boggling crowd pop.)

Duffer: And his opponent… (Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” begins to play)…accompanied by her, ahem, valet, Erik…weighing in at 183 pounds…from the country of Norway…here is…JOHANNA!!!

(The fans boo the two as they walk down the aisle towards the ring. Johanna wears a chain mail crop-top and bikini bottom, with chic knee-high fur boots. She’s well-muscled, large-breasted, and blonde. Erik wears black tights, fake animal furs, and a horned helmet, carrying a spear. He has long, red scraggily hair and a large red beard. Erik threatens a fan with his spear and seems almost like he’s about to attack the man when Johanna glares at him and points toward the ring. Erik immediately forgets the fan and falls in behind her.)

Bob: It’s hard to believe that this will be Johanna’s first actual wrestling match. It became pretty obvious that she was the real talent in this duo.

Lisa: Well, actually, I’ve been doing some digging, and it turns out Johanna has been involved in professional sports before she became Erik’s valet. She was in fact a gold medalist cross country skier for Norway. A sport which takes a lot of stamina and strength I might add. She’s also an avid power lifter. Maybe she has grown tired of being just a valet rather than an active competitor. Who can tell?

Chad: Yeah. I still get shudders thinkin’ about the way she worked “Danger” Will Robinson over. And what she did to Sam during the interview… Hey, Bob! It’s your turn to interview the winner, right?

Bob: I think *NOT*.

Jessie: The bell rings, and Johanna is ALL over Flex Luger! Clothesline! DDT! Short clothesline! Stomp! Another stomp! And another!

Chad: YES! YESYESYES!! Elbowdrop! Kneedrop! Legdrop across the throat! Flex Luger is squirming in pain! She picks him back up! She’s got him bent over! POWERBOMB! YEEEESSSSSS!!!!

Bob: This is a DISGRACE! She should be fined and suspended! OUCH!

Chad: ANOTHER POWERBOMB! YESYESYES! AND ANOTHER ONE! BWAAAHAHAHAAAA! I _love_ this woman!

Jessie: Control yourself, Chad! Johanna drags Flex Luger over the ropes and is keeping him on the apron…. She’s shouting something at the crowd!

Johanna: Din helvetes IDIOTs! THIS is how you deal with a _forbanna_ NOBODY like this guy! I vill SHOW you vhat to do!!

Bob: Oh no… It looks like she’s going to… NO! SHE CAN’T DO THAT!

Chad: Oh yes she can! WATCH HER! She’s got Luger bent over again…. And here we go! Luger GOES UP AND Luger GOES DOWN! SPLAT! Call the paramedics! BWAAAHAHAHAAAAA!

Jessie: Shades of Will Robinson’s match! Johanna just POWERBOMBED Flex Luger from the ring apron and all the way down to the concrete! And now she’s kicking him!

Bob: Somebody call security!

Chad: Nah! Somebody call the undertaker! Luger’s through!

Bob: Um, Chad…the Undertaker wrestles in another federation–

Chad: I didn’t mean THAT undertaker, you nitwit!

Jessie: Johanna rolling the Total Package back into the ring, and now she’s got him over her shoulders–TORTURE RACK!!!

Chad: I LOVE IT!!! She’s putting him away Luger with his own move!!!

Bob: I–I won’t even comment on this disgrace.

Lisa: Luger is totally unconscious, and he’s just flopping around in her arms. The ref signals, and that’s it! The match is over!

Bob: HEY! She’s not putting him down!

Chad: Keep it on, baby! Put ‘im in a body cast!

Jessie: Now Johanna rushing toward the ropes, she’s THROWING HIM OVER–OHHH!!!

Lisa: Luger CRASHING through a table at the ringside area! We’re going to need paramedics for sure!!!

Chad: Bob, I still think you should get the interview–

Bob: Have you lost your MIND?!? I’m staying right here!

(Johanna raises her fists to the crowd, then drops out of the ring. She grabs Erik by the beard and pulls him with her back to the locker area.)

Erik: Ouch! Ow! Ouch!…..

Jessie: Well, fans, that was certainly an intimidating display by the Nordic Nightmare herself, Johanna. We’ll be back after these messages!

Chad: Yeah, and hopefully we’ll’ve found all of Luger’s pieces by then!


(Bob stands in the locker room, wearing a black tux and a big smile.)

Bob: Fans, have the ICWF vendors been spiking soft drinks with mind-altering substances? (Begins patting at his arms and body, then begins freaking out.) I–I can’t tell you now, b-but call my Insider Hotline at 1-900- 555-INFO for the whole story! Only 2.95 a minute, and kids–try to– OH MY GOD!!! SPIDERS!!! ALL OVER MY–


Jessie: Now it’s time for highlights from several great matches from our house shows around the country.

<View turns to wrestlers as they slam, tackle, squeeze, and otherwise blast one another.>

Jessie: “Loverboy” Paul Moranis squared off against “Neon” Deion Sanderson. Sanderson tried to use his speed to strike from a distance, but he was eventually caught and hit with the “Ode To Myself”, a powerbomb, and pinned.

WINNER: “Loverboy” Paul Moranis

Jessie: Jason “The Tank” Martino faced another two-sport superstar, Michael Irving. Irving was no match for The Tank, and eventually succumbed to the “Blast Off”, a reverse DDT, and covered for the three-count.

WINNER: Jason “The Tank” Martino

Jessie: Claw Hammer entered to “Ride the Lightning” by Metallica, to face Cam Shaft. Shaft used his technical wrestling to slow Hammer down, but eventually was set up with a kick to the midsection, followed by a Claw Hold that put Cam Shaft away.

WINNER: Claw Hammer

Jessie: Claw Hammer’s wayward brother, Sledge Hammer, entered to “Basket Case” by Green Day, to face “Arrogant” Adrian Davis. Davis was out-powered by Sledge, and one tombstone piledriver later was counting the lights.

WINNER: Sledge Hammer

Jessie: Brianne “Bomber” Brodie faced off with Drive Shaft, and the tenacious Brodie never let him establish momentum, staying on top of him with technical and high-flying moves. She nailed him with her finisher, a top-rope bulldog called the Like A Rolling Stone, and put him away for the three-count.

WINNER: Brianne “Bomber” Brodie

Jessie: Hippie Chick faced “Danger” Will Robinson in singles action, and took advantage of an early mistake by Robinson to debilitate his legs. After punishing his knees, she locked him into a figure-four leglock she calls the Four-Twenty, and forced the submission.

WINNER: Hippie Chick

Jessie: Entering to Metallica’s “One”, the mysterious DragonLord faced off with the masked man, Blue Thunder. The DragonLord was out-powered at first, but brought his martial arts background to bear, and after setting him up with a Dragon Suplex, finished him off with the Dragon’s Claw sleeperhold.

WINNER: The DragonLord

Jessie: It was Dark Star’s power against the mystic martial arts of The Cobra. Power won, as Dark Star stunned him with slams and suplexes. He put him away with a reverse slingshot bulldog he calls I Need A Miracle.

WINNER: Dark Star

Jessie: In our final highlight match, the sultry, mysterious Korynn Teargiver faced Lucas Flintwater. She entered to “Christian Woman” by Type O Negative, and was accompanied to ringside by the awesome Nevermore. Lucas was totally overwhelmed in this encounter, as she put him in every conceivable kind of submission hold. After a legsweep faceslam, she gave him a passionate kiss, then locked in the cobra clutch sleeper she’s dubbed the Climaxxx.

WINNER: Korynn Teargiver

Jessie: That’s all the time we’ve got, fans! Join us again soon for another exciting ICWF show!!!

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