Asian Invasion hijacks the HH Preshow featuring the main event of Monica Brant going one on one with Mr. America
(Danny Bouchard, in his usual black pants, dirty white undershirt and ratty jacket, stands in front of a UCP screen. His hair is greasy and slicked back, he has a week’s beard stubble, and he smells somewhat strongly of beer. Nothing has changed in the last three months.)
BOUCHARD: So I’m on? Am I? Now? Hell, tell me next time. Okay, this is Danny Bouchard, the Pride Of Trois-Rivieres, and most of you [CENSORED] stupid [CENSORED] Anglophones may have noticed I ain’t around to kick you damn hells around. Well, it looks like I been [CENSORED] suspended? It’s like, what the holy [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] is this, you’d think [CENSORED] Gussy got promoted or somethin’, but turns out he got [CENSORED] canned because of some [CENSORED] size limit. Whaddya know. Apparently his [CENSORED] brain has to be a certain size or he gets canned, who knew? So I get three [CENSORED] months vacation, and Gussy gets his [CENSORED] [CENSORED] kicked out of the [CENSORED] federation! Good deal, eh? So I get my [CENSORED] mail one day, and I gotta take a [CENSORED] physical, right? So I take the [CENSORED] physical, and that [CENSORED] doctor, who, it should be noted was some [CENSORED] Anglophone with his head stuck about three feet up his [CENSORED] hell, goes and says I’m “unfit to wrestle”? For [CENSORED] sake, so I goes to the head office, and I says, “[CENSORED] this, you [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] hell, go [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] yer [CENSORED] [CENSORED] mother’s [CENSORED] [CENSORED] cow [CENSORED] morgue [CENSORED] [CENSORED] Mitsou’s hell!!”, and they suspend me! Hell! So until I’m fit to wrestle and make an official apology to the UCP, I am no longer wrestling in the UCP. Stupid hells. Yeah, I bet you hells are happy, Danny Bouchard won’t be able to kick you around? We’ll you [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] hell.
CENSOR: I can’t do this much longer!
VOICE OFF CAMERA: CUT!! CUT!!
(The screen cuts to a test pattern)
Announcer which sounds an awful lot like Asian Invasion: The Halloween Horror Preview Show will not be seen today, in its place, we present The Way It Is.
(The scene opens to show Asian Invasion lounging poolside in a plush mountain resort. The camera goes through several screens of him playing golf, working out, and dancing with the Spice Girls on top of his “The Way It Is” bus. It then cuts to Asian, inside the bus.)
Asian Invasion: We’ll hello out there boys and girls. In a VERY wise move by the executives in the UCP tower, or whatever they have, we bring you The Way It Is, the only REAL way to preview the UCP’s first pay per view event. We’ll hear from many of the bags-of-hot-air that call themselves wrestler this week, but watch anyway. It’s good to see that our good friend, Mr. Danny Bouchard, has matured in our time off. Let’s all just hope that he can keep it up for years to come. (Asian bursts into wild laughter) Oh, we’ll anyway, due to the unfortunate accident of Freddy Fever, it’s been determined that Monica Brant and Adam Sanchez will go one on one with the winner going on to take on Traci Lane for the UCP Championship. Let’s go and see what’s going on in the ever interesting life of good old Monica Brat, I mean Brant.
(The camera fades in to what looks like break time at a photo shoot. We can see a backdrop, lights and cameras all set up, but no one is using them. Off to the side is a group of people, and a make-up area. In make-up chair is Monica Brant. She’s dressed in a semi-Greek/Roman toga, apparently for part of the shot. She smiles, and waves the camera over.)
Monica: (Smiles) Hello darlings. Welcome to my world, again! Isn’t it grand to be me?
(She giggles once, then her smile fades, and her face becomes deathly serious)
It seems like the UCP officials haven’t been listening to me. Instead of Rachel Ryan at Halloween, I get this Sanchez clown. Now, they’re telling me I have to go through this paper Enforcer to get to the real threat, Traci Lane. Not Ryan. Lane.
(Monica takes a deep breath, pastes on an obviously phony smile, and begins to speak again.)
Well, I never did mind about the little things. Maybe this is for the best. I get to destroy someone who’s been badmouthing the Femmes, and take away the title from Traci in one night. If that doesn’t prove my point, nothing will. So, Mr. Sanchez, you seem rather fixated on the past. Which is good because, after October 31st, this woman is going to make sure you have no future. You think you’re the “real” enforcer? There is no real enforcer, Sanchez. There’s just you, Rachel Ryan and me.
(A voice from off camera calls “Back to work.” Monica sighs.)
Well, you heard him, kiddies. Time to go.
(She stands and walks away, but stops just before leaving camera view.)
Trick or Treat, darlings. This Halloween, the Mistress is going to get everything she ever wanted.
Asian Invasion: Monica, you know what??? You don’t NEED to get everything you want this Halloween. You look like you could actually stand to lay off the Butterfingers for a year. What size was that toga??? One man that I know that shares my huge dislike of Monica is this man, The Real Enforcer, Adam Sanchez.
(Enforcer stands in ring attire leaning up against the locker room wall)
Enforcer: Monica Brant, a commercial used to run that said, “Image is nothing, thirst is everything.” You know, it was right. It doesn’t matter how many designer costumes you’ve got to wrestle in’ It doesn’t matter how many expensive purses you load with bricks. I want it more than you. I don’t care how much I have to give as long as I get the gold. Nothing can stop me, not even you--or your purse.
I am better than I ever was in the OWA. I may have even surpassed my performances in the INNWF. There’s not a soul in the UCP that can say they beat me. Ever. You, Monica Brant, have forgotten what it’s like to wrestle with real talent. At Halloween Horror, you will lie at my feet defeated and I will go on to win the UCP Championship.
Traci Lane, you have even less of a chance to win than Brant does. You haven’t wrestled real talent for months. Even Brant has at least had a few workouts in the ring. Your reign as Champion will end at Halloween Horror. You have spent too long dodging too many challenges, that’s why the Commish gave me this job. I’m going to take the belt and wrestle with it. He know that I’m a fighter. My fist speak more words than I could ever voice. Ask Salyards, she knows how little of a chance you have against a warrior like me.
Asian Invasion: I can’t wait to see him rip her apart. The winner of that match will then take on UCP champion Traci Lane for the title. Anyway, the UCP is blessed with many talented wrestler, and people who know how to get there point across, and I mean that sincerely. Our next flash is not from one of those people. Here’s the barely tolerable Shogun.
Shogun: THE CREW RULES!!! THE CREW RULES!!!THE CREW will trash, destroy, eliminate, torture and massacre all opponents who face me and Monty in the Wheel of Torture Tournament!!!! So be warned and quit while still you can, or Wrath of THE MIGHTY SHOGUN will fall upon you!!!!!
Asian Invasion: Shogun, the only thing I’m afraid of falling on me right now is Monica Brant. You probably wouldn’t even get past Anthony Hazard in the first round, and that’s pretty sad. And by the way, the Crew doesn’t rule, get over it you stupid fool. In fact, hold on.
(Asian removes a mini-tape recorder from his breast pocket, and pushes the record button, and speaks into the small microphone.)
Mental note to self, find out who let Shogun on MY show, and have them fired.
(He replaces the recorder in his pocket, and continues.)
Where was I. Oh yes, now, as a special treat for everyone, I’d like to present an exclusive The Way It Is matchup between Davey Scott, and some bum.
George Livid vs. Davey Scott
Ed: Right now, Davey is on his way to the ring, and George Livid is in the ring waiting.
Biff: YEA! I know Davey, and he is coming back with a stronger focus then he had. He going to prove it on this no-brainer.
Ed: Last time we saw Davey, he sent a 6’7” man down with, I don’t want to describe what he did the last time, it was… it was…
Biff: Spit it out, it was GREAT! Wait. HERE HE COMES!!!
(Davey starts walking down in ignoring the screaming fans, well. they were booing. Davey climbs into the ring, and looks at the shmuck.)
Ed: Usually, Davey would have interaction with the fans, but all that has changed.
Biff: Yea, they could boo him all they want, he has a job to do. You would never figure someone so focus.
Ed: George Livid, 6’4” and 250 lbs., has studied Davey methods the last time and he won’t fall for his deception.
Biff: Davey attacks before the bell. A superkick that sends George to the ropes and followed up by a clothesline, sending George down hard.
Ed: Davey is saying something. Something about Billy. The ref has called the match.
Announcer: The winner of this match via Countout. Davey Scott
Ed: That was a quick match.
Biff: Didn’t you hear. You want a bigger match, you got to pay him more.
Ed: Somebody ought to shut this boy up but who will it be. Billy Smith? Traci Lane? Mr. America, or worst yet. Consuelo Salyards?
Biff: Hey, if they want a piece of this man, they know where to find him. Back to you Asian!
Asian Invasion: I ask them to give me a quality match for my exclusive, and what do I get??? Davey Scott destroying some guy that just took out a second mortgage on his cardboard box!!! Anyway, Davey had this to say after that so called match.
(After being informed on who he was going against in the first round, all he begins to do, is laugh. A Demonic laugh even. Davey just trying to be content, but he couldn’t help but laugh.)
Davey: You got to be kidding me, Mr. “I take him down with the cloverleaf, and hopefully will show the world who a bad-ass is” is going to be my first pairing? You got to be joking me. The same punk who went flying over the ropes, and so dismembered, he couldn’t climb back in? HAH! Oh well, I guess he will have to do. Billy boy, stay home, just stay home. Cause Billy Boy, when you are in your crib, you are safe from the boogey man. I am the boogey man, I will become the fear to all the UCP! Billy, run. Run away. Run away from me. I can’t chase you. Once you step into the ring, your soul is mine!
Mr. America, you said at least Ugly Old Man didn’t change his name? At least I don’t wear red and blue with white rims underpants in public. There is a big difference between me, and the Ugly [censor: they call Monty, and that is he is a has-been. Monty the Family Man shall be run over soon, and look for the license plate “U SUCK!” Mr. America, if you think you are anywhere being the America Dream, come on boy. Heel boy heel! That exactly what I think you are! You are the representative of a delusional country! You know, if you think about it, this is how delusional the American dream is. Freddy Fever gets seriously hurt, and they are looking for a replacement for the title match. If you want to prove that the American Dream is real, you know where to find me. However, we all know the American Dream is a fraud’s plan. It is something dreamed up by a compulsive fraud who wanted to give all the people false hope. I love America, I just hate you! People call those who oppose this free America a demon, a scoundrel, perhaps maybe even a politician. If that is your thinking, I am your worst nightmare resurrected! So go ahead, and give me what you got. Like I said before, you know where to find me!
Asian Invasion: Davey Scott seems very confident, but of course, he’s facing Billy Smith in the first round, so you’d have to be. But personally, that man worries me. I’m worried hell go nuts one day, take us all hostage with an AK-47 or something. Speaking of weirdo’s, one our UCP newcomers is a woman by the name of Godiva Rage, let’s hear from her now.
(A UCP cameraman knocks frantically at the door of a hotel room. The door swings open, unlocked. The camera picks up clothes strewn all over the floor amidst bottles and spilled ashtrays. The room is a shambles. A tipped over champagne bottle lies on its side on the dresser, a puddle of melted ice and Crystal spilled on the floor below. The double bed is a wreck, two figures are asleep in the bed, the blonde half-hidden out of sight, the man somewhat Irish-looking. He stirs, seeing the camera and begins to shout.]
Man: What the hell are you doing in here? Get out before I call the cops.
(The woman starts awake at this, clutching the sheets around her to cover her nakedness.)
UCP: Isn’t this Godiva Rage’s room?
Man: No, now get the hell out.
(A hysterical cackle comes from behind them. The camera turns on Godiva dressed in a clingy, but big knit sweater and wide-legged pants.)
Godiva: Right, serves you ruddy we’ll right all that noise you was making last night. Oh, Donald, oh Donald! Oh Maggie! I ruddy we’ll said I’d get you back. Watch yourself on TV tomorrow night and see what it’s like. And you (pointing to the cameraman) come with me.
UCP: That was a rather mean trick, wasn’t it?
Godiva: Sure, it was, but they was keepin’ me up all night while I was tryin’ to get ready for that Stacks Coltrain person.
UCP: So you are ready for that fight?
Godiva: No, not really. There’s a whole bunch I ‘aven’t learned yet about this place, right. But I will. Consider Stacks a test case. I need to see ‘ow we’ll I do on me own natural ability. Gives me a good indication of where I should be, though.
UCP: So how do you fancy your chances?
Godiva: I suppose fair to middling. I don’t know. I ain’t a genius at this. I just beat people up, you know? I mean, blimey. What, I’m supposed to know every ruddy thing about people I ain’t ever seen?
UCP: Have you considered the offer of Traci Lord yet.
Godiva: Who? Sorry, I don’t know who that is.
UCP: The champion, part of the Femmes. She’s asked you to join twice now.
Godiva: Really? Me? A Femme? Right, wot’s that when it’s not all frogged up and sexy. That’s a woman, ain’t it?
UCP: Yes, That’s the translation.
Godiva: Well, I’m already one of them. I guess I meet the qualifications.
UCP: You don’t take a lot seriously do you.
Godiva: Bloody ‘ell, no. Why should I? Stress kills you know. Anyway, ta for now. We’ll see wot’s wot with Stacks Coltrain first.
(Godiva disappears into her room next door.)
UCP: (mumbling) That’s the strangest girl I’ve ever met.
Asian Invasion: (Look confused)
What did she say??? Hold on.
(Asian takes out the mini-recorder, and presses record.)
Asian Invasion: Mental note to self, find translator to do subtitles for Godiva Rage flashes.
(Put away recorder)
Godiva’s taking on Stacks Coltrain at the pay per view, and you know what, that receives my award for Bathroom Break of the Night Match. But you better make it quick, because Stacks will. Here’s another newcomer, Loudmouth Donnie.
Scene opens in a simple meeting room. Loudmouth Donnie and Lora Smith sit near the head of the table, going over several papers. Other business-looking types are filtering out of the room. This, the half-empty cups of coffee, and the general air of finality give the obvious impression of an ended meeting.]
At least we finished regional business just in time.
Loudmouth Donnie tosses a pen on the table and leans back in his chair.]
Just in time for business in the UCP. The Halloween Horror pay-per-view. My, hopefully, triumphant return to the wrestling ring after sitting behind the desk for a while.
Against Fantasia, that name sounds more like a movie.
Well, if she thinks she’s going to have an easy time with one such as myself, well. Such an impetuous assumption will only lead to failure.
Good thing she sent in a real match for you to study.
One wonders, my return to the ring on All Hallow’s Eve, no less. Interesting how the holiday went from the Celtic Samhain, to being viewed as evil through the efforts of the Catholics. Quite ironic that the practice of offering food to masked passers-by continued and even spread throughout the Protestant countries despite it all. Halloween, the day that has been called both holy and evil is the day I make my return.
Smith: Let’s hope it’s a good sign.
At least I’ve kept my training up. Despite sitting behind a desk for several months, I’ve never stopped paying visits to the gym, let’s hope it pays off. Anyways, let’s get out of this blasted room.
Want to head to the Next Door restaurant? We can go over next month over supper. I’ll split the tab.
Always the modern woman, Ms. Smith. You have yourself a deal.
They pack away papers and supplies in briefcases and head out the door.]
Asian Invasion: That’s exactly what I think we need more of in this fed. Well read, educated men and women to combat these morons. I don’t a lot about his wrestling, but if Loudmouth Donnie fights as good as he talks, he’s a force to reckon with here in the UCP. I tell you one thing, if there’s one person I would not want to be at the pay per view, it’d be Mrs. America, but Fantasia would be a close second. And finally, I bring you the man I would most hate to be. The one man who more than any other, does not deserve time on MY show. Here’s she is, Mrs. America.
The scene opens to Mr. America watching a few old tapes.]
MA-Ya know Rach, it was about a year ago that you beat me in the ring. A sunset flip was the move if I remember correctly, but heck. Who cares? This time things may be a bit different. I’m not as brash as I was back then, but some would say I’m a hell of a lot more arrogant.
Mr. America shuts off the VCR and the TV.]
MA-Rachel, I have a lot of respect for you, but we both know that the fact of the matter is. We’re both going to do what we can to win that match to advance on. We both are hungry for a shot at the title and to win the tournament. I don’t have a lot to say this time and that’s a bit uncharacteristic for me. Asian, I know you’re in the studio. Say what you can and will because everyone knows it makes it that much easier for me to slap ya around. I’ll show you a star at the Wheel of Torture tournament and why you’re not one and I am.
Asian Invasion: You know what America, I’m sick and tired of your flag waving, ass kissing, patriotic bullhell. We will see who the better man is at the tournament, if you make it past Ryan. So, before we start the big show, let’s make a quick rundown of the night, shall we???
First off, I don’t care who wins between Ricky Hype and Miguel Thunder. In fact, if there is a way for them both to lose, I predict that. Adam Sanchez will clean up the arena with Monica “Plumpy” Brant. Godiva Rage will lose to Stacks Coltrain when she tries to speak normally, becomes exhausted, and passes out. Loudmouth Donnie will destroy Fantasia, in a match that might as we’ll not happen. In the TV Title match, I’m gonna go with Virgo, just because I’d rather have to wrestle him to win my title back then Taleis, who has really bad B.O. Consuelo Salyards will have her girly friends interfere, and defeat Executioner. Don’t you hate the Femmes??? In the UCP Championship match, Adam Sanchez will defeat Traci Lane, and become our new champ.
And in the Wheel Of Torture Tournament, first round winners will be Anthony Hazard, Rachael Ryan, Davey Scott, and, of course, me, Asian Invasion. The finals will come down to Ryan and I, where, after a hard fought battle, I will come out victorious. I will laugh at all of you who ever doubted me, and that’s The Way It Is, enjoy the show kids, and don’t let Mistress Monica steal your candy. We’re going back to ringside for the feature match, pitting “Plumpy” Brant against Mrs. America.
Monica Brant vs. Mr. America
Ed: I was sure that Elaine and Shelly were supposed to be with Asian Invasion during this broadcast.
Biff: Eh. Invasion didn’t do too bad a job. Sounds like he took some night classes at the local high school during the break.
Ed: It’s time for our feature match. Let’s go down to ringside.
Announcer: This match is one fall. First, coming down the aisle, weighing in at 159 pounds. Here is “Mistress” Monica Brant!
Monica Brant comes down the aisle. A roar of boos is heard from the crowd. She stop long enough to give a sneer before heading into the ring.]
Announcer: And her opponent. Being accompanied to the ring by Taleis. He weighs in at 250 pounds. This is “America’s Perfection.... Mr....America!!
Most of the marks boo while the hardcores cheer loudly for Mr. America,
as he and Taleis make their way down to ringside.]
Ed: And here we go. This is a great match to lead into this year’s Halloween Horror spectacular. There’s the bell and we have a lock up.
Biff: You know. When Mistress Brant hears the things that Asian Invasion has been saying about her, you just know she’s gonna go nuts.
Ed: That remains to be seen. America with a quick short lariat. America with a whip and he nails her with a shoulderblock. America has over 100 pound on Brant. America going to the top but Brant is up and nails him in the gut and he straddles the top rope. That’s a hard way.
Biff: No kidding. Superplex from the top from Brant and America is in trouble early on. Brant’s got him up and Tombstone!!! Damn. cover. one. two. th. Kickout by America. Brant with a whip of her own and a powerslam! One. two. Another kickout and Brant glaring at the referee.
Ed: Brant with an elbowdrop but America moves and she hits the mat. America slow to his feet and Brant just nails him with a roundhouse right and America is back down. Monica Brant, now straddling America’s back and she clamps on a camel clutch.
Biff: She’s got that perfectly executed. Referee is asking America and Taleis is on the ring apron. Referee is being distracted and Brant let’s go of the hold and takes a swing at Taleis who deftly avoids the shot, and is back on the floor.
Ed: Monica moves back in on America who nails her with a kick and then hits her with a hard power bomb. He’s calling for the leaping piledriver. He’s got her set up but Brant has that move scouted as she nails him with a backdrop.
Biff: That would have ended this match right there. America off the ropes with a clothesline, but NO! Brant with a backdrop and America goes out and to the floor. Taleis quickly over to help his comrade and. what the hell is this??
Ed: This looks like Executioner. He’s coming down to ringside and hopping up on the ring apron. The referee is over there, telling him to get down.
Biff: Brant’s over there too and what’s this?
Ed: Consuelo Salyards in the ring with the North American Championship and she nails Brant in the back of the head, and Brant is down. This looks like a we’ll thought out plan from Executioner and Salyards.
Biff: But they’re fighting at the PPV. Why are they working together?!?
Ed: Salyards is outta here and Executioner finally leaves ringside. Taleis is pushing America back into the ring. America drapes his arm across Brant. one. two. three!!
Biff: Travesty!! I like America but this match was ruined by those two jerks.
Announcer: Winner of the match. Mr. America!!
Ed: We’re at the end of our show. We’ll see you this coming weekend for Halloween Horror: The Wheel’s of Torture’s Revenge, only on PPV. For that whole gang, thanks for joining us!
At a local restaurant, Elaine and Shelly are seated. Shelly looks at her watch.]
Shelly: He’s over an hour late.
Elaine: I told you not to believe him.
Shelly: He told me they’d changed the location to a live remote spot. This is where we were supposed to meet him for the show.
Elaine: Maybe we better call the station.
Elaine heads for the payphone as the camera fades.]