OWA TV Champion Taleis defends against Anthony Hazard

The Extremists

The scene flips to an ally-way somewhere in a large city. It’s dusky out with the only light coming from a flickering street lamp on the corner. As the camera begins to move down the ally, a door from the back wall bursts open as a man goes flying onto the concert. Just as he stumbles to his feet, another guy comes tumbling out the doorway and crashing into him. Both men fall to the ground and look up at the doorway.]

Guy1, looking at doorway: Hey man, that’s just what I heard.

Guy2: Yeah. Everyone knows it’s the UCP now.

The camera zooms in on the doorway as two large, we’ll built men step out of the building. Both of them are wearing “Elite Rules” T-shirts and have wrestling title belts around their waists. Zooming in more, it becomes obvious they are none other than OWA Tag Team Champions, the Extremist.]

Blades: UPS??? No way! The OWA will live forever!

Maxx, to Blades: UPS? I thought they said RPS, or maybe CBS.

Guy2: Yeah, That’s it, someone bought ‘em out I think.

Maxx grabs guy2, picks him up and tosses him against the wall.]

Maxx: Shut up loser!

Seeing this, guy1 scrambles to his feet and begins to run away. Blades quickly looks over, takes off and catches guy1 with a Running Bulldog.]

Cameraman: Guys. Hey guys. It’s true, the OWA is now the UCP, trust me.

Maxx: Bob? Bob the cameraman?

Cameraman Bob}
Yeah it’s me.

Blades: Oh man, that means...

Maxx: That means. We’re not champions anymore.

Blades: OH MAN!!! Then hell if I need this league anymore.

Maxx: You said it bro, lets motor. Maybe we can get in one of Shockers movies.

Blades: Yeah cool.

The Extremist pass a large garbage dumpster as they walk out of the ally-way.]

Blades, taking off OWA Tag Team Champion belt: Well, don’t need this either.

Maxx, remove Title belt: Yep. Might be worth a few bucks though.

The Extremist laugh out loud as they toss the belts into the dumpster and walk away]

fade out]

Anthony Hazard

As the camera pans around, we see Anthony Hazard sitting in a chair at “Foxx Lake Resort”. He is wearing blue jeans, tennis shoes, a black T-shirt and a chrome jacket.]

Hazard, looking up from reading the newspaper: UCP? Man, you guys are as quiet as the OWA was.

Anthony folds up his paper, sets it on the table next to him and leans forward.]

Hazard: Ok, let’s just get one thing straight damn it. The only reason the OWA changed its name, was to yet again keep everyone involved with the Elite down and out of the title races. We’ll let me tell you this. I say screw it and why bother, half the time the damn league tiptoes around me and my boys requests anyway and the rest of the time they just ignore us all together.

Hazard, standing up: We’ll not anymore! I’m done with that goodie-goodie Goodwin and the Extremist gave up for a career in pictures. Fine! I don’t need ‘em anyway, seems the only one I can count on anymore is “The Show”. He knows exactly what to do every time he gets in the ring, he has balls and is the second best wrestler there is. Course, he’s a little flamboyant, but hey, he kicks butt and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have on my side.

Anthony backs up and starts to move toward the door]

Hazard: Get ready UCP. “The Legend” and “The Show” are back!!!

Hazard turns around and storms off through the door. As he turns, the camera zooms in on the back of his chrome jacket. In purple writing, you see “TEAM CHARISMA.”

the scene chromes out]

(Scene opens up with Elaine Bryant and Shelly Marks sitting behind the stage desk.)

Elaine: Welcome to the Gospel Truth, I’m Elaine Bryant.

Shelly: And I’m Shelly Marks. Strong words from Anthony Hazard. He’s dumped Sir Goodwin and the Extremists are no more. We heard last week that the tag titles are being vacated and that a tournament will decide who the new tag team champions are.

Elaine: I’m a little impressed by the words of Hazard. For a long time, he was known as Mr. Goody Goody, but it sounds like maybe he’s going to get rid of that image once and for all.

Shelly: I’m not so sure that it’s such a great idea. Hazard has been known for his fan support. I have to wonder if he’ll lose that because of his new change of attitude.

Elaine: Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and not what’s best for the fans.

Shelly: on another topic, let’s hear from a newcomer to UCP.

Loudmouth Donnie

The scene opens on a golf course just outside a huge mansion, Loudmouth Donnie is getting ready for his next shot. Smithers, Donnie’s butler is acting as caddy and has a larger than necessary bag over his shoulder.]

Donnie: Now watch this shot, Smithers, a grand stroke from the master of the green.

Loudmouth Donnie sets the golf ball and gets ready for his shot. He takes some time, causing Smithers to grunt impatiently while shifting the bag’s weight on his shoulder.]

Donnie FORE!

Smithers rolls his eyes. Donnie swings and the ball spirals off.]

Smithers: You skill is quite magnificent sir. Why the bathroom’s Perkins stein window will cost several thousand to replace.

Donnie: Well, um, I. oh nevermind. Let’s get to the next hole.

Smithers: But sir, you haven’t even a ball in play on this one.

Loudmouth Donnie nabs the scorebook from his pocket and gives himself a birdie.]

Donnie: Ahh, there we are. My skill is as magnificent as ever wouldn’t you say?

Smithers rolls his eyes again while Loudmouth Donnie starts the golf cart. Smithers climbs in grunting under the weight of the large bag. Donnie motors the cart toward the next hole.]

Donnie: Do you realize Smithers, that my life has been a constant trip back and forth from America to England? From this great sport, to that vast corporation that I own back home. I used to call wrestling a hobby, but how can one justify that term when one spends so much time with it?

Smithers actually becomes serious for a bit.]

Smithers: You’re so right sir. After all, money is one thing. But they’ve always said over the centuries that it can’t buy happiness.

Donnie: And it’s all any of us can do to find such on this ruddy rock.

The white cottony clouds continue their vigil over the sky as Donnie and Smithers putter around below in the cart. The cart passes artistically tended bushes. White winged birds fly from tree to tree. With the grand mansion in the background, the grounds has a slight look of paradise. Loudmouth Donnie gazes at his lands while the cart putters up to the next hole.]

Donnie: I’ve got to let more people play golf here. The gardens have looked so empty as of late.

Smithers: No to mention the mansion has felt a little extra drafty.

Loudmouth Donnie smiles, knowing what Smithers is thinking.]

Donnie: Lana Anderson? Now there was a true lady. It’s so sad things didn’t work out between us. There was a person who didn’t want to stay around me simply for my money. Do you realize of all my fellow athletes from the wrestling world, only two have ever even been to the mansion? I miss J-Man’s visits, but he’s been so busy as of late.

Smithers: And Retribution, now he was quite a lout, but could be quite a gentlemen when he wanted to be.

Donnie: Then there was good old Commissioner Redmoon from the CWL. It feels like it’s been so long.

Smithers: A simple year can feel like centuries in this sport, can’t it?

Donnie: Words of prophecy, old friend. It’s so true. Just spend several years in this sport and you feel like you’ve lived a thousand years, and dined with a thousand kings.

Loudmouth Donnie chuckles wistfully as he reminisces about the past.]

Donnie: Anyway, we’ve just about done it all, old friend. Been the competitor, the commentator, and even a league’s commissioner. Yet that ride off into the sunset is far away, there’s still much to do. We’ve got the UCP now, Smithers. More of the merry talk between competitors, more competition, new challenges, and faces I’ve not seen in a long time.

Smithers: Almost feels like a trip to Avalon, doesn’t it sir?

Donnie: A grand trip to the paradise of the wrestling world? We shall indeed see. Still something feels necessary. Hmm. Smithers, when we’re done on the golf course, call the stockholders from New York, plan a party. I’m finally getting back into the ring after doing so much else, and I feel like celebrating. If they ask why I’m throwing a party, just tell them it’s my mother’s birthday or some such nonsense.

Smithers turns his head and looks back, as if the cart had puttered by something of importance.]

Donnie: Oh yes, and call Mr. America and Taleis.

Smithers: Um, sir?

Donnie: You know. I’m tempted to call everyone in the league, just to see who might show up.

Smithers: Um. Sir.

Donnie: What, what?

Smithers: The second hole is back that way.

Donnie: Well, you ninny, why didn’t you say something?

Smithers sighs as Donnie wheels the golf cart around and heads back the other way. The camera viewpoint doesn’t follow them this time, just fades as they putter way on the vast grounds of the Trump Family Estate.]

Shelly: Loudmouth Donnie, new to UCP and its competitors.

Elaine: At the top of the show, we heard from Anthony Hazard. Let’s hear now from his second, Ricky Hype. Later on in today’s broadcast, Anthony Hazard will go one on one with Taleis for the UCP TV Championship.

Ricky Hype

the arena video screen comes to life, a scene opening to a crowded downtown section of glitz-city itself, New York. Looking down the street you see a very busy club entrance, ala 1930’s jazz club. There are limos lined up and down the lane dropping off many high profile individuals. Panning around to the front, the sign, in hundreds of purple bulbs, with a chrome mirror background, reads “CLUB CHARISMA - featuring Tony Dangerous and Rich Glamour!!”]

scene shifts inside to a dimly lit, smoke filled room, jazz music playing from the stage across the club. Sitting behind a large round marble table surrounded by a lavish leather booth are the figures of “The Legend” Anthony Hazard and Ricky “The SHOW” Hype. Both are dressed in 1930ish pin-striped zoot suits, pocket watches, and fedora hats.]

a very, very, very, large fellow, ala, very large fellow, walks up to the table.]

Very large fellow: There is a man calling himself “Sparkling” Sheridan Cree at the door wanting to see Mr. Dangerous and Mr. Glamour, sirs.

Ricky Hype: Thanks Vinnie, tell Mr. Cree they will meet him in the back. [As Hazard and Hype exit the booth, the scene chromes out]

Both commentators blink silently and look at each other and shrugs: [Shelly: Two more names have been signed for The Wheel of Torture tournament, one of those names happen to be Asian Invasion. Let’s hear this week’s edition of “The Way It Is”

Asian Invasion

(The scene opens to show Asian Invasion lounging poolside in a plush mountain resort. The camera goes through several screens of him playing golf, working out, and dancing with the Spice Girls on top of his “The Way It Is” bus. It then cuts to Asian, inside the bus.)

Asian Invasion: Welcome again to The Way It Is. I’m back to give you the definitive word on UCP action, as soon as there is some. We’ve hardly restarted here in the UCP, and still I’m being denied my honest right to win back the title that has been mine for months, the TV Title. Why is the first match in the UCP for it, but it’s between Taleis, and Anthony HAZARD??? Where does Anthony Hazard come off getting a title shot? Then, at the Pay Per View, Virgo is getting a title shot??? He keeps talking about how everyone thought he would be a useless jobber, we’ll you are Virgo. Then, we still have Mrs. America. You know, it really makes me ache when that you can walk around with Bob, that makes you wonder doesn’t it, and talk all you want about how you lost some weight, and your fit. Last time you wrestled, you wound up in the hospital, I plan on sending you back. So, until next time, That’s The Way It Is.

Elaine: I’m not certain if Asian Invasion hit his head one too many times, or if he ate too many Twinkies as a child, but that match did take place, and Taleis got the pinfall on Rachel Ryan to become the TV Champion.

Shelly: The other name thrown in to the tournament for the Wheel of Torture is none other than Shogun.

Shogun

Shogun: Well, it looks like Halloween Horror is just around the corner. What I’m going to do (from the goodness of my heart) is to accept the first Challenge I receive for the wheel of Torture’s revenge. Any moron who has the guts to challenge me, will be dealt with in good Japanese Tradition....That means you will be Jap Slapped!!! So come on people and bring it on!!! Oh yeah, Asian Invasion don’t bother challenging me....I’m tired of beating your ass!!!! THE MIGHTY SHOGUN has spoken!!!!!

Shelly: Shogun now part of the Wheel of Torture Tournament.

Elaine: Let’s go down to ringside. Ed Bagel is there along with Biff Franklin for this special matchup.

Ed: It’s great to be back on the air. I’m Ed Bagel and joining me is Biff Franklin.

Biff: Like I’d let you be out here by yourself. Your mommy know you’re up this late?

Ed: Uh-huh, Biff, sure. Next up, we’ve got one of the more controversial members of the UCP.

Biff: Not to mention one of the better looking ones.

Ed: So, with no further delay, let’s go down to ringside.

GI Liea vs. Monica Brant

Announcer: This next bout is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, to my left, weighing in at 123 lbs., and hailing from Paris Island, South Carolina. She is GI LIEA!!! (GI is dressed in military fatigues and has her hair done up in some familiar-looking braids. She poses for the fans, who give her a minor pop.)

Biff: These new wrestlers keep getting crappier and crappier.

Ed: Hey, give GI some credit. She’s the first woman to graduate.

Biff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s bad enough we’ve got this new crappy name, and this new crappy logo, and we can’t even watch huge wrestlers pounding little punks into the mat anymore..

Ed: Biff. shut up!

Announcer: And, her opponent. (“Superbitch” by 2 Precious plays). Hailing from Toronto, Canada. And weighing in at 156 lbs. Here is “Mistress” Monica Brant!

(The crowd boos as Monica struts down to ringside. She wears a tight, black leather outfit that seems more suited for a catalog then a wrestling ring. She blows a kiss to a few fans as she enters the ring.)
Ed: And Liea jumping Monica before the bell!

Biff: Hey, maybe this GI chick is alright after all!

Ed: Chick?

Biff: Liea nailing Brant with lefts and now a huge right! And a karate chop! Monica down to the canvas! Maybe all the rich living has put Monica off her game.

Ed: Wouldn’t surprise me. Now Liea waiting for Monica to get up. SUPERKICK! Monica back down. Damn, she’s being walked all over here. GI may just shoot up to a top contender in her first UCP match! And now, Liea picking Monica back up. Looks like a suplex coming up.

Biff: Blocked by Brant! And now the former fashion model grabs Liea. Powerslam! GI planted and now being picked up by Monica. Clothesline! And now Monica stomping away on Liea!

Ed: That temper that’s gotten her in so much trouble might just have flared up! Monica picking up Liea and sending her to the ropes. Another clothesline! And a legdrop! And now Monica flipping Liea over. Reverse chinlock.

Biff: Monica using her mat-wrestling skills for the first time in a long time. She’s usually a power wrestler. And Monica releases the hold and picks up GI. Piledriver coming up, she nails it! And we know what’s coming next!

Ed: Monica waiting while Liea twitches on the mat. GI seems to be getting up. Fashion Statement by Brant! Liea reaching for the ropes. Doesn’t happen! She’s going. The ref is checking and he calls for the bell! Let’s get the word!

Announcer: The winner of this match. “Mistress” Monica Brant!

Biff: And Monica still has the hold on! The ref warning her and she lets it go. GI Liea had a good start there, but Monica came back strong.

Ed: And now Brant going outside the ring. She’s got her purse! Oh-oh, the ref better stop her.

Biff: The ref comes over, and Monica threatening him with that purse! Now Brant goes over to the unconscious GI and undoes those braids! And now with a pair of scissors and some hairspray. Oh man!

Ed: That’s despicable. Monica styling GI’s hair while she’s unconscious. This is just horrible.

Biff: Man, and I thought that Beck guy had some whacked out hair. Well, maybe Liea can get a job as a punk rocker!

Ed: Folks, let’s get back to the UCP studios while officials get Monica out of the ring.

Billy Smith

(Billy Smith is sitting in a corner of his apartment, he looks different. His hair is longer, he has more tattoos and lots of piercing. He is wearing all black and has a blank look in his eyes)

Billy Smith: Here I am, alone once again, just like all of the great heroes of our time before they died. They like I were misunderstood and disrespected as they tried to fit into this human cesspool we call reality. Ever since I was a young child, I was always different from the insiders, they learned their A B C’s while I had my head buried in my hands contemplating whether to eat my lunch or slice the school teacher’s neck. I did neither. When I grew up and eventually went to high school, I was again trying to seek acceptance from my peers, but again they mocked and disrespected me.... you know, it right what they say those years were the best years of my life. I plan to make the OCP the worst days of the rest your lives. I want you to make me feel the pain I know that I rightfully deserve when you face me. I want you to inflict agonizing destruction against this temple that I call a body. Why.... you ask, because if you were born on this planet you deserve to be tortured. Feel my pain UCP. Feel my pain.

Elaine: Quite a transformation from Billy Smith. He’s never really gotten any respect from the other wrestlers here in the league. Do you think this change will make a difference?

Shelly: Billy is a former TV champion, but even so, for some reason, no one gives him any credit. Almost like who we’re going to hear from next.

Davey Scott

Standing in the studio, in wrestling attire, but still on crutches, no glasses, but wearing the jacket Saying “Squad” on it. ]

Davey: Oh, great. Consuelo Salyards have decided to stay on the UCP. Am I happy? Not really, but let me make myself clear. You know, UCP been trying to get me into Halloween Horror, but why go to a tournament? This is how stupid everyone is, that they want me to fight in the Wheel of Torture competition. Doctor got to be nuts. I spent weeks of recovery from knee surgery, and they want to throw me in a tournament? Jeez, should I just send a law suit as well? No, I will be kind for once. Hell will kindness, I am going to give hell to all. The first person I am going to give hell to, is Consuelo Salyards. You may of gain a couple of pounds to qualify, whoopee do. In order to maintain the standards within the Federation, I had to lose 50 lbs. That right, I weighed 300 lbs., and I drop 50 of those lbs. Consuelo, you are probably wondering, with an injury, how did you lose all those pounds. You are looking at the most dedicate man, and someone who put more time in a lost cause for the longest time. That cause is professional wrestling. Now, someone will pay. My first victim shall be Consuelo Salyards, and her Internet Title. At Halloween Horror, I am challenging you to a title match, in a cage match. But for the event, I like to add a stipulation. You see, you all used to these cheesy cage matches where you climb over, and you plop over, and you land on your feet. What a fake match. Here is a real match for a real man! The objective is the first person to throw the other person over or out of the cage. It called a “Man of the House” match. I don’t care if you are a man or a woman, I am the master of that type of match. I tossed someone over the 15 foot cage, and they sailed all the way down and landed on the table. So you know, when you accept this match, I am all business. Sit down, you might want to think about this first. Cause it called the “Man of the House” for a reason, so you better be ready for the beating of your life! [Fade]

Elaine: Davey Scott calling out Consuelo Salyards. She is the baddest of the bad in the UCP and he’s not the only one calling her out.

Shelly: That’s right. Let’s hear from bachelor number 2.

Adam Sanchez

scene opens on the new UCP mat set up in the arena. The lights shine only on the center of the ring, and not a soul has entered the gates yet. The Enforcer stands within the circle of light adorned in his new uniform: a wrestling singlet (opposing blocks of red and black above and below the waist, I.e. red and black harlequin pattern) and a leather duster whose shoulder is adorned with the all too familiar chain.]

Enforcer: The OWA has upped its standards, up yours... I’m here and I’m not going away. I was the toughest wrestler then and I only get tougher. Ms. Salyards, you were saved from a shame filled defeat at my hands by the front office’s reorganization, but now I’ve come to collect. I want my title shot! The very day the OWA ceased operations I was scheduled to challenge you for the title, but things changed. I’m better than before Salyards. The belt has been my focus for three long months of training. The Enforcer is calling you out. Are you tough enough? I’ve got some new tricks up my sleeve, and I’m just dying to use you for a little practice. SALYARDS COME GET SOME!

the light goes out, leaving the arena dark and silent]

Shelly: Now, Consuelo has got to be feeling like the most popular girl at the dance, but we all know how this game is played. So let’s hear from Bachelor #3.

Executioner

Executioner: Halloween Horror, The perfect setting for the Executioner to reclaim some gold. It has been a long 3 month wait, but I have worked harder over these past 3 months then at any time in my career, including my Championship run. It will be good to get back into some real competition, to get the juices flowing again, and to see and beat some of the talent around the UCP, Which brings me to Consuelo Salyards. Consuelo I believe we had a match signed before our little hiatus, and I can’t think of a better wrestler to go up against in my return then you, I for one am glad you decided against retiring because we have some unfinished business to take care of, so consider this a formal challenge for your belt, or if you don’t think you’re up to par yet I will be glad to have a non-championship match with you first, but sooner or later we will meet for that belt you now possess, and I plan on bringing it back to the Crew’s mansion.

Elaine: There you have it. Later on we’re going to hear from Ms. Consuelo to see which Bachelor shell be picking for Halloween Horror.

Shelly stands to get up...]

Elaine: Where are you going? We’re not done yet.

Shelly: Oh. I have to *leans into whisper*

Elaine: You didn’t go before the broadcast?

Shelly: No and besides. Mr. America is up. So I probably have time to run down and grab some fast food as well.

Elaine: Oh. Then. I’ll come with you.

They both stand and walk out]

Mr. America & Taleis

UCP cameras are outside a bar in Seattle, Washington. It starts raining, however, and they quickly move inside of the building. Once inside, you see a fair-sized crowd of people, watching Monday Night Football or some of those other, less known wrestling programs. The cameras pan around the bar, apparently looking for someone. They spot a familiar face -- none other than current UCP Television champ, Taleis. The cameramen quickly thread their way to the crowd and approach him.]

Taleis to the bartender: Two, please.

Taleis is clad in street clothes, specifically, a black UCP T-shirt and blue jeans. Taleis looks over and notices the camera. He grins, and motions them over.]

Taleis: noticing the fact that the cameramen are soaked: Lovely weather outside, isn’t it? I suppose you guys aren’t here to talk about that, though. I’m here with a friend, but before you guys see who it is, I’ve got a few things I’d like to say. Looks like the UCP wants to keep their TV champ busy. I’m already signed up for two title defenses, and we haven’t even had a card yet. That’s all right, though. When I won this belt on June 15th, I knew that there’d be a lot of work involved in actually KEEPING it. This week, it’s Anthony Hazard. That old fart hasn’t got a chance in hell of keeping up with yours truly, much less BEATING me. Stick to what you’re good at, old man -- if you can find anything.

The bartender returns, carrying two bottles of beer and a couple of mugs. Taleis grabs ‘em and starts through the bar, talking as he goes.]

Taleis: Then, at Halloween Horror, I get to defend against an old nemesis. The man who I won this belt from in the first place -- Virgo. I don’t know whose ass you kissed to get this shot, Virgo, and I really don’t care. The bottom line.

Taleis smirks at the camera: is that no matter how long that match goes, the ending is marked in stone and after I drive you face-first into that mat with the military press diamond cutter, you’ll wish you had just stayed in bed that morning. That’s a promise.

The camera pans to the left to show Mr. America with his feet propped up onto the table. A bottle of Ice House sits in front of him.]

Mr. America: So, who would you have expected as Taleis. Friend? By some work of God, bet you were hoping someone other than me, but no dice. Back in May, you saw the alliance form between myself, Taleis, and Tom. Well Tom is gone, but the other two still reside here and that’s trouble enough.

Mr. America picks up his beer and takes a sip.]

Mr. America: So, it seems that both Monty and Virgo have something to say to me. I’m glad to see you have some sense on your head Virgo because that Equalizer crap just doesn’t sell that we’ll here. You know that if you had brought it here you would have been ridiculed as well. As for the Underground and your SWF titles. Do I need to bring up the fact that you joined something as lame as the Foreigners? God I hope not because that was a new low even for you. The saddest part was those two idiots dropped you like a bad habit. As for your SWF International Title. Just a fourth rate wrestler holding a second tier belt for all of the third world nations. Nothing more, but a whole lot less.

Mr. America puts his beer back on the table.]

Mr. America: Wow, so you beat me for the TV title, Virgo. There’s still a difference between us. While you’re trying to back the TV title, I’m looking higher than that. I held it once and I’m done with it, but for right now. I’ll worry about you getting back into the ring with me and Halloween Horror. I aim on winning that, but that’s a ways off yet. As for you Monty, unsettled business is what we have. Yet, you and the rest of the Crew housed Virgo. You still want everyone to believe that the Crew is still the best alliance here. Monty, wake up already. You’re living in dream that you needed to wake up for a long time ago. The Crew is a relic. Hold onto your past glories and watch as I shatter what pride you have left in the ring. You want a match, I’m there.

Mr. America looks over at Taleis.]

Mr. America: I invited an old colleague of mine to meet us here. He should be showing up soon.

Taleis takes a seat at the table, putting one beer aside, and the other in front of him. He pops it open and takes a drink.]

Taleis: Ah. Much better. Old colleague of yours, eh? Hope it isn’t any of those other Underground wankers. For reasons which should be fairly obvious, we probably wouldn’t get along, and I don’t really feel like being arrested for starting a bar fight just now.

Taleis grins at America from across the table, then takes another drink. Taleis: Your friend better get here soon, though, or his beer’s gonna be gone before he even gets to take a drink out of it.

Suddenly there is a commotion at the front. A man standing about 6. 1” is demanding that a bouncer take his coat and hang it up. The 7’ bouncer is staring down at the man in disbelief.]

Man: Peasant! Just what is your job in this serf den? To stand around and hold up the wall? Now, please *try* to use that brain cell and hang up my coat. There’s a good man.

After the man shoves his coat into the bouncer’s hands, and walks off, the bouncer grins evilly and hands the coat to a drunk headed out the door. The man who has just lost his rather expensive coat, walks into the bar with his nose somewhat wrinkled.]

Man: Bah, what do they do here? Smells like a riverside warehouse. I guess even lowly peasants need to have some fun. I can’t believe Alex comes here. Speaking of which.

the man looks around and spots Mr. America and Taleis.]

Man: Ahh, there you two are.
The man walks over. Mr. America looks up at the man and smirks.]

Mr. America: Hey Donnie. Always one to make a scene I see and by the way. The bounce gave your coat away to some drunk who headed out the door.

Mr. America points at Taleis.]

Mr. America: This is Taleis. I told you about him.

Taleis glances at Donnie, then nods. Taleis: Good to meet you. I think. So, anyway, what’s this all about? I know why I’m here, I know why you’re here. What’s he doing here?

Mr. America: Like I said, I want to see what side of the fence he stands on. We had no real problems back in our day when we knew each other. I had heard he had signed with the UCP and I asked him to come here.

Donnie: What side of the fence I stand on? Well, so far I’ve have no foes, and I’m hoping to make a few allies. So, what have we got? The same decadent place I visited last year? Still have the so-called Elite running around with exactly the same members, and the Femme Fatale running around with exactly the same members? With all the decadence, everyone settling into a habitual routine, one is not surprised the OWA has undergone some changes. Interesting how MP Inc. chose here to move to. What’s the story on them? Still running around with exactly the same members as when they were in the UEA?
Donnie shakes his head.]

Donnie: Most people here should remember me, although it’s been quite a while.

Taleis grins slightly. Taleis: I don’t think MP, Inc. is really around anymore. Masked Plague took off. There’s three remaining members I believe, and they decided not to call themselves MP, Inc. anymore. Most of those fat-asses couldn’t have stayed in the fed anyway and I’d have to say we’re all better off without them. The Elite? Most of their components. Anthony Hazard, Ricky Hype, and Shogun. Are still here, but Hype was spouting something about. Team Charisma. Last I heard from him, so I’m not sure about their status either. As for the Femme Fatale. As far as I know, Traci and the old man here

Taleis gestures towards Mr. America: are pretty good friends, so I don’t really have any plans to pick fights with them.

Taleis grins. Taleis: As for remembering you. Well, I’ve heard about you from America. Don’t they call you “Loudmouth”?

Mr. America takes another sip of his beer.]

Mr. America: We’ll Taleis, actually. Masked Plague and his crew came here. The Mosher got injured and then Masked Plague and Kodiak took off. Big Russ, Crimson Scorpion, and Brett hung around. I took out Scorp and then Russ left. Brett didn’t come back after the hiatus. As for the Elite. Shogun isn’t with them, Taleis.

Mr. America smirks.]

Mr. America: Hazard and Hype are here. Shocker and the old tag champs didn’t come back. The Femmes are here with Consuelo and Lane. The Crew is still here with Monty, Stacks, and Shogun but that’s about it. Most of the alliances have fallen from their former glory, but then again. Some of the old guys may still be lurking in the background. Donnie, you want allies and Tal and I have been looking for someone to cover Tom’s old spot. That’s why I called you. Yeah, I heard you use to be here awhile back. Then again, the first time I remember hearing about you was the CWL and then the UEA. Tal, they do call him “Loudmouth” and for a very good reason.

Donnie: Well, I wasn’t here as a wrestler, as I had no official contract, but I have one now, and it’s about time I got back in the ring. But I do now, and the Greatness will shine again!
Mr. America holds up his beer for a toast.]

Mr. America: I’ll drink to that Donnie!

Donnie: To greatness it is! Taleis: Donnie, America, and me. A more motley crew you won’t find in the OWA. We can talk the talk and UCP, you already know we can walk the walk. To greatness, gentlemen.
The three men toast as the camera fades out.]

The studio is still empty...]

Miguel Thunder

Four beeps sound off as a grey image of the California skyline appears. Then a flash of light appears, and the picture is in motion and in color. The Birds-eye view heads over a street, and quickly zooms down to a guy in a black shirt and shorts with blonde hair. The POV changes to the man’s face, revealing [Surprise surprise] Miguel! MT: Well, I see OW-- Er, UCP has decided to have ME over for Another chance at a flash, so here goes. First things first, I am sick of being known as Miguel Thunder, the jobber. I’d like the respect I need, and if you can give me it, more power to you. If not, then I guess the tables will turn. You see, I’ve gone through a pupa stage while the federation was revamping, and changed totally, from my looks, to my personality. Even the name I prefer to be known as changed. I’m not the same man, nor will I ever be! If you liked my boyish attitude, you’ll be shocked in the next few weeks. I’m writing a new chapter in the book of my life, where I’m officially becoming Miguel Leal. Say your last good-byes, if you have any, to Miguel Thunder.

He smiles]

As the screen fades to Grey, Miguel’s new logo comes on screen

Ed: We’re back for more action, getting ready to see the big return of Miguel Thunder! Over to you, Biff.

Biff: Well, this is quite an uproar for such a horrible wrestler! Wait, the lights are dimming, and the Announcer’s coming up. I guess he submitted!

Ed: I doubt it, Biff!

JOBA Michinoku vs. Miguel Thunder

Announcer: This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Introducing first, from Okinawa, Japan, weighing in at 217 lbs., here is JOBA Michinoku!

[[Chorus of boos!]]

Announcer: [silent.]

[[Music starts up, and pyrotechnics explode everywhere, lighting the area up. Miguel’s new music starts playing, and he comes out, dressed in all black, save a red sash. A black vest adorns his chest, made of denim.]]

Biff: And here comes the cheapo of the day!!!

Announcer: We need no introduction for him, this is MIGUEL THUNDER!!!

Biff: OK, over to you Ed. I’m not commentating!

Ed: OK. Miguel throws Joba in the ropes, spinkick to the head! Joba falls to the ground, and gets up. Man, I heard that SMACK. Miguel stalking him, two kicks to the head, he goes down again. JOBA’s had enough. He walks out of the ring, getting a chair. He sets it on the ground, grabs Miguel by the hair, and drags him out. Miguel: Get off! Ed: Miguel shoves him over the top rope, JOBA hits the chair. He does the Asai Moonsault onto Joba. More pain inflicted there. Miguel rolls JOBA into the ring. Ow, is Michinoku bleeding! Clothesline to the throat. Joba goes down, out like a light. Setting up for the Asai Moonsault. JOBA moves a little, Miguel misses, but gets up. Joba slowly gets up, panting. Ticked, he grabs the bloodied chair and swings it at Miguel. He ducks, and the ref’s hit over the head. Miguel grabs it from him, hits him three times in the nose, then jabs it in his gut. Joba’s out like a light, Miguel throws it out, revives the ref. Pinfall by Miguel. 1. 2. In the ropes. Joba’s not moving. Miguel drags Joba to the middle of the ring, Ultimo Moonsault. 1. 2. 3! This match is over.

Announcer: The winner of this match, by pinfall, is Miguel Thunder.

Biff: So, Miguel’s gained an attitude since his Hellish battle with Blackout at our last PPV. Roll the clip!!

[[We see pictures of Miguel battling Blackout, and the infamous Bloody Face scene.]]

Biff: HAHAHAHA! So good. Soooo good, I love that scene!

[[Miguel walks over to Biff.]]

Miguel: Listen up, you sadistic little s***.

[[Crowd cheers.]]

I’ve had enough of the crap everyone’s been giving me in the last year, so I’ve changed, to suit the little arses that made my life a living Hell since the LAW/OWA stint. I hope you’re happy that my life is a f***ed up little one, Biff, because I’ll make sure you have the same one as mine.

[[He throws the mic on him, and walks off.]]

Ed: Well, that was. Interesting. Back to you, guys.

Elaine and Shelly are munching on some KFC Hot Wings. As the scene comes up with them]

Shelly: Ack! Hardcore action from Miguel Thunder. Let’s hear from the man who will be trying to take the TV Title away from the champion at Halloween Horror. This is Virgo.

Virgo

{A small house in the suburbs. A camera man walks up to the front door, and the sound of music can be heard through the door. The door is opened by a man in a three piece, white Italian suit. The music gets louder as the camera is led down the hall, the song identified as “Murder Incorporated” by Bruce Springsteen. The room the camera ends up in is a large den, lined with stocked bookshelves, a desk by the window, and a chair turned to look outside.}

Man in the suit: “Sir, the camera is here.”

{The chair turns around, revealing Virgo. He sits in the chair, reading a piece of paper.}

Virgo: “Greetings. It seems the OWA has changed its name to the UCP. Well, no matter. OWA, UCP, EEE, I don’t care what it is called. The fact remains that I will still be one of the best wrestlers in the fed.”

Man in the suit: “What about those who have spoken of you?”

Virgo: “Mickey, you worry too much. The only mouth that spoke of me was loud enough to drown out the civil unrest in the Holy Land. Mr. America, you want to know if I will bring my alter ego, The Equalizer, to the UCP? The answer is no. Equalizer has a purpose. And that purpose is to dominate the SWF. Virgo has a purpose. And that is to eliminate you.”

Mickey: “That was Equalizer’s plan upon his arrival in the SWF, was it not?”

Virgo: “Yes. And he quit the SWF. Obviously the Equalizer was more skill then the Yankee could handle. But fear not. I threw you from a roof, America. I can do a lot more.”

Mickey: “Won’t that have to wait?”

Virgo: “Yep. First, I get to reclaim my title. Taleis, I have not heard from you yet. Perhaps the idea of meeting me again is causing you to reconsider signing your contract? Good. Make it easier for me. And then there is Anthony Hazard, a man that is a member of the Elite, and another man I cannot stand.”

Mickey: “What about your friends? Will they come along too?”

Virgo: “Yes. The Man of a Thousand Names, Davey Scott. We were not friends, but we share a common acquaintance. I believe you and he met in the PWC? The name....is “The Patriot” Kriss Willhelm. He tells me to say hello.”

Mickey: “Have you spoken with Mr. Scott about what Mr. Willhelm has suggested?”

Virgo: “Not yet. I was unsure if Scott was resigning. But I think I shall approach him soon. If Mr. Willhelm is correct, then I am in business.”

Mickey: “Oh! Look at the time. You have an appointment in 20 minutes uptown.”

Virgo: “Then we better go. Until next time, UCP.”

{The two men leave, the camera following them outside, filming as they enter a limo and drive away.}

Elaine: Not a word about his encounter with Taleis. I hope he’s not taking that match lightly.

Shelly: Another competitor who shouldn’t be taken lightly is none other than Mariko.

Mariko

Mariko has finished her weight training and is dripping wet with sweat: “We’ll you American losers, I am back. The OWA couldn’t handle me and this federation won’t either. You can make all the rule and weight changes you want, but I will win. This lighter federation is perfect for me. No one will have the power, stamina, or desire to win as much as me. I will rule over all of you! You shall feel my samurai power and bow before me! I want the Cruiserweight Championship and I want it NOW! Step into the ring, if you dare!”

Shelly: Mariko sending out a challenge to Traci Lane the UCP Cruiserweight Champion. That’s gotta be an interesting turn of events. Let’s see if Traci accepts the challenge from Mariko.

Elaine: Speaking of our current champion, let’s hear from her and Rachel Ryan.

Rachel Ryan & Traci Lane

(The view opens on a cut, glistening Traci “The Black Widow” Lane as she curls a long bar stacked with weight, her tanned skin glistening, her half-tee and bikini bottom sopped with sweat, the curves of her strong, shapely body accentuated by the overhead lights of the gym. She exhales as she brings the bar to its apex, then slowly lowers it, drawing in another breath, arching her back as her chest projects forward. Her long brown hair is pulled into a ponytail that cascades to her mid-back. Standing beside her is Rachel “The Enforcer” Ryan, a slightly taller and larger blonde, also coated with sweat, filling out an undersized gold bikini with similarly impressive muscles and feminine curves. She puts her hand under the bar as Traci struggles with the last rep.)

Rachel: C’mon, Trace! Harder! Push harder! Work for it! (Lane’s face flushes and her jaw clenches as she battles the weight up, her biceps swelling with power, until bringing it through the full motion. With a groan of relief, she lets the bar back down, then drops it onto the rack.

Traci: Yes! (She exchanges a high-five with Rachel.)

Rachel: Great set, babe. You worked for that last one.

Traci: (She towels the sweat from her face, and takes a second to catch her breath.) Yes, thanks to you. Finding an adequate spotter is difficult, too, but you serve that purpose marvelously.

Rachel: Anytime. You return the favor, so it’s no prob.

Traci: You know, I don’t think I’ve gotten your opinion on the conversion of the OWA to the UCP. What do you think?

Rachel: Hell, I don’t care what they call it as long as I get to kick some ass. I guess the only thing I’ll miss is getting to whoop guys bigger ‘n 250. That was always fun.

Traci: Yes, well, I understand that there were complaints about that.

Rachel: I can understand. It’s gotta be kinda humiliatin’ for some big dude to get his can kicked by us “sweet li. l thangs.” Like I give a [censored] about their inner children.

Traci: (Giggles.) True. I’m really glad most of the original cast is back, though. There were only a few departures. I wonder if we’ll hear back from Wendy?

Rachel: I think we will. She’s just gotta square some personal business away once that’s taken care of, shell be ready to get back into it and kick some heads. (She smiles.) Y. know, Consuelo looks *good* with that extra muscle. She carries it real well.

Traci: Agreed. All it really did was add shape. And of course, now she can slam-dunk a basketball flat-footed. Imagine what that will add to her aerial game.

Rachel: It means shell be flyin’ higher ‘n ever. Hey, did you ever get a firm answer from Godiva about the Femmes?

Traci: Not yet. But I’m optimistic. We go back, she and I. I met her while doing masters work at Cambridge, and I think she’s interested. She’d be a great addition.

Rachel: So long as she understands that we’re a group, but nobody calls the shots. We do our own thing, and just back one another up.

Traci: I made that abundantly clear to her. I may be the founder of the Femme Fatales, but I don’t give orders. I don’t believe in that.

Rachel: That’s cool. (Walking onto the scene is a blonde woman, equally beautiful, but with considerably less muscular development. She’s clad in black Lycra short-shorts and a matching athletic bra.)

Woman: Miss Lane? You requested to see me?

Traci: Jennifer! So glad you could join us. I called you down her to join us in our workout. I see you dressed for the part.

Rachel: Hey, Jen. Whatcha up to?

Jennifer: Well, since my old employer, Tom Tomorrow disappeared, Traci agreed to hire me as her personal assistant.

Rachel: That’s cool.

Traci: And I told her that there was mandatory fitness aspect to it; you know, “Sound mind, sound body,” and all that.

Jennifer: I don’t mind. I do a lot of aerobics and stuff anyway. I think being physical empowers a woman, don’t you?

Traci: (She and Rachel laugh.) In more ways than you realize, dear. (She nods at Rachel.) Have a good idea of where to start her off?

Rachel: (Nods and grins.) Oh, yeah. (She puts her hand on Jen’s shoulder.) Let’s hit some abs, okay?

Jennifer: Sounds fine to me.

Traci: Don’t mind if I do, myself. (The three walk off-camera, and the view fades....)

Elaine: We haven’t seen Jennifer in a long time. Looks like she’s getting ready to get into the ring. With Traci and Rachel training her, she’s sure to get that something special.

Shelly: True enough. We’re going to go down to ringside to see Mr. America in action.

Joe B Jobber vs. Mr. America

Ed: We’re ready to get this match underway. We’ll see Mr. America making his return to the rings. Under a different banner, but I’m sure still many feel it’s the OWA.

Biff: I don’t care if my paycheck says a different name. As long as the amount of money only goes up.

Ed: I had a feeling you would’ve said that.

Ring Announcer: Introducing first! Weighing in at 220lbs. Here is Joe B. Jobber!

Ed: Jobber heads to the ring to a solid reaction to the crowd. I have to say that Mr. America will certainly have the wrestling advantage.

Biff: Yeah, but this time around he needs to talk less and wrestle more. If the guy wrestled like he talked he’d have a belt around his waist right now.

Ring Announcer: His opponent! Weighing in at 250lbs and hailing from Washington D.C. Here is Mr. America!

“Highway to Hell” by AC/DC plays.]

Ed: Here comes Mr. America and he gets a mixed reaction from the crowd. He has his attention focused on Jobber as he climbs into the ring.

Biff: Yeah, yeah. You can’t really say anything about him until he wrestles.

Ed: In the past, America was a power based wrestler. He had to drop weight to make it into the UCP. He’s got a lot more definition to him now and he looks to be able to move a bit faster. We’ll also have to check out his power wrestling to see if it was hurt in anyway. There’s the bell. Lock up.

Biff: America pushes Jobber into the ropes with no trouble. Irish whip and America with a clothesline. America picks Jobber up. Reverse neckbreaker and follows that up with Hotshot.

Ed: America still a good technically sound wrestler as he applies a clawhold. Jobber fights his way to the ropes and America breaks the hold. America with another Irish whip, but Jobber reverses it. Backdrop by Jobber and he sends America to the mat.

Biff: Jobber goes for a figure-four leglock, but America wraps him up into a small package. one, two, kickout by Jobber. America back to his feet and a double underhook piledriver.

Ed: Those piledrivers are a big part of America’s arsenal of moves. He picks up Jobber and sends him to the mat with a tiger driver! There’s the old power we’ve seen in America.

Biff: America picks Jobber up and places him on the turnbuckle. Top-rope DDT by America and I think he’s ready to end this one! Elbowsmash and he follows it up with a punch to the gut of Jobber.

Ed: He signals for his finisher and there’s his new Leaping Piledriver! Jobber is out of it. one, two, three. Mr. America with a win.

Ring Announcer: The winner is Mr. America!

Ed: Mr. America rolls out of the ring and walks back up the aisle. I figured he’d have something to say but he didn’t.

Biff: Thank God for that.

Ed: Let’s hear from Monica Brant.

Monica Brant

(The camera shows a long stretch of beach. The sun is just rising. Despite the late season, and the coming cold, there are a few hard-core surfers and swimmers out. One figure appears to be jogging down the beach. The camera zooms in, and we see “Mistress” Monica Brant. She’s dressed in a surprisingly plain jogging outfit.) Monica: (Seeing the camera) Ahh, thanks for coming out this early. I know it was probably tough for an out-of-shape camera jockey. Cameraperson: Actually, I’m usually. Monica: Yeah, shut up. Anyway, I have a little something to say to all of the UCP wrestler wannabes. I’ve been sort of a bad girl lately and, well I, I just want you to know that I, I, I loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT! And if you wimps think that it’s going to get easier, you can dream on! Brant is back, babies, and it’s all downhill from here. Halloween is the date, and fear is the theme of the day. Until then, sleep we’ll kiddies! (Monica continues to jog down the beach, while the camera view fades out.)

Elaine: Monica Brant with a word or two. I wonder what she has planned for Halloween Horror?

Shelly: It’s hard to tell with her anymore. Let’s hear from another newcomer to UCP.

Fantasia

Fade in. We see a blonde woman asleep in an armchair. The UCP channel is playing on the TV.]

UCP Announcer-type-deal Person: And so we end another broadcast day. We will be back on the at 9: 00 AM.

The National Anthem starts to play the blonde awakens with a start.]

The Blonde: AAGGHH!!

She composes herself then turns to us.]

The Blonde: Sorry about that. I had been warned that that Mr. America was long-winded, but I had no clue he could put you right to sleep. Who knew? Allow me to introduce myself- I’m Fantasia. Just a little background for ya, before coming here to UCP I’ve spent most of my career over in Japan. But those rings are too damn hard! (smiles) Seriously, I got tired of the 14 hours flights from here in Vancouver to Japan every month so I’ve decided to move on. I’m not the flashiest, nor am I the kind to trash talk for days upon end. But I do get the job done where it counts- inside that ring. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to re-watch Mr. America so I can get back to sleep.

Shelly: Fantasia new to UCP action.

Elaine: We’re still waiting word from Consuelo Salyards, however, I hear we’re ready for our feature matchup. Let’s go ringside!

UCP TV Championship: Taleis vs. Anthony Hazard

Ed: We’re just about ready for our feature match. Let’s go down to ringside.

Announcer: This match is one fall and is for the UCP TV Championship. First. Coming down the aisle, weighing in at 207 pounds. This is Anthony Hazard!!

As the lights dim down, a blazing fire some 15 feet high and 25 feet wide starts to burn over the entrance way. Then as multiple fireworks and sparklers erupt, “Charisma” by KISS blares out over the PA system and as the fire takes the shape of “HAZARD,” Anthony himself steps through the curtain, the crowd goes absolutely crazy, no one seems to care what has happened in the past, they are just happy wrestling is back and ecstatic to see “The Legend” has returned. Anthony is wearing a new black and purple body glove dive suit, with “Anthony Hazard” running down each leg in silver lettering and “The Legend” on the buttocks. He is also wearing a chrome leather jacket, with in purple scrip lettering, the words “Team Charisma” on the back. Hazard struts to the ring while giving high fives and shaking hands all the way down the ramp-way. As he steps under the ring ropes, numerous explosions burst around the ring and with quick spin, an arrogant smile and a nod of the head, Hazard once again gets the crowd going.]

Announcer: And his opponent, weighing in at 250 pounds. This is the UCP TV Champion. Taleis!

Taleis makes his way to ringside. Mr. America by his side. From behind. Ricky Hype comes after Taleis, only to be stopped by America. Hype and America battle it about. Taleis gets in a couple of stomps, when Hazard rushes from the ring and begins to trade blows with him.]

Ed: We have a tag team brawl going on here for this TV title main event. Hazard rams the head of Taleis into the ring post and grabs him by the hair and pulls him to the ring, and rolls him in.

Biff: A great start for Hazard, but Taleis is to his feet and nails Anthony with a clothesline. On the outside, official are breaking up the squabble between Mr. America and Ricky Hype.

Ed: Taleis just threw Hazard over the top rope and off the far side. With a senton splash and Hazard avoids it and Taleis just landed hard on the outside. Taleis slow to his feet. Hazard nails him with a knee lift. Then pulls him up and rams him into the corner.

Biff: Hazard rolls Taleis back into the ring and sets up for the reverse powerslam but America from the outside, gets up on the ring apron. Hazard takes a swing, and Taleis nails him from behind with a double ax handle.

Ed: Ricky Hype grabbing America from the apron and they’re going at it again, Taleis hits with a spinning leg lariat. Taleis with a big piledriver and a cover. one. two. Kickout by Hazard.

Biff: Officials have cleared America and Hype from ringside but in the ring, Taleis nails Hazard with a Russian legsweep. Taleis off the ropes but Hazard with a backdrop.

Ed: Hazard with a small package. one. two. Reversal by Taleis. He pulls the trunks and his feet are on the ropes!! one. two. three!!! And Taleis bails.

Announcer: Winner of the match and still UCP TV Champion. Taleis!!!

Ed: Anthony Hazard is furious and I wouldn’t want to be that ref right now.

Biff: Hey. You can’t blame the guy for being madder than hell.

Ed: Let’s go back to the studios.

Elaine: Taleis still the UCP TV Champion and he’ll be going to Halloween Horror to take on Virgo.

Shelly: That about wraps it up for this week except we have to hear from our North American Champion. Let’s go to Consuelo Salyards.

Consuelo Salyards

(The camera comes up on Consuelo Salyards, sitting on a huge white papasan chair, filing her nails. She is surrounded by fabulous furniture, and there is soft music playing in the background. The Internet title lies across her bare midriff.)

Consuelo: Davey, Davey, Davey. All dressed up and nowhere to go. I would assume, since you’re on crutches still, that the knee surgery wasn’t all that great a success. Maybe you should take a little time off. Seek psychiatric help. (She quits filing and looks up.) Who in the HELL do you think you’re talking to? You don’t demand anything from me. You get no title shot because you’ve EARNED no title shot. Who have you beaten? Nobody. Listen, loser. Before you go screaming about me ducking you, let’s get a few things straight: I don’t do cage matches. Period. Everyone knows that. I don’t do cage matches, I don’t do dog collar matches, I don’t do barbed wire matches or any of that American bloodbath crap. There’s no skill involved in me ramming your head repeatedly into a steel cage. That’s reason number one why your challenge means nothing to me. Second reason: you haven’t beaten anyone to deserve a shot. Get some wins and we’ll talk. Third reason: I don’t like your attitude. *I* am the North American Champion. *I* say what type of match I fight, against who, and when. You don’t demand a damn thing from me; I TELL you when you can fight me. Do you honestly think that the most beautiful woman in the world would sign a “Man of the House” match? What kind of sexist bullhell is that? (She tosses her hair over one shoulder.) Sorry, son. I’m busy that night. Have to wash my hair. (She blows a kiss at the camera.) Bet you’re used to hearing that. Now then, I see that old saggy butt Sanchez is calling my name too. Isn’t that special? I just don’t know what’s gotten into all of these menfolk around here. Testosterone just building up in their pathetic little heads and making them crazy crazy crazy. Look, “Enforcer,” like I told Davey: you don’t call me out. I call you when I’m damned good and ready. (She smiles.) When I’m ready to tell you who I’m defending against at the PPV, then I’ll tell you. Until then, get off my back. Something your moms never learned how to do. (She laughs.) I feel like the most popular girl at the prom. Executioner, you’re right. We did have a match signed, so I tell you what: (She holds up a contract.) Here’s a contract for a non-title match between you and I. You beat me, I might even defend against you at the PPV. One way or another, if you can pin me or make me submit, you get a title shot. At least you’ve got a little class, unlike the rest of these bozos. Some manners. I like your attitude, and you can have the match. Contract is signed on my end, sweetheart. (She blows another kiss at the camera.) Okay, boys. You’re dismissed. (She waves her hand absently as she begins to file her nails again as the camera goes black.)

Shelly: And on that note, that match is signed, sealed and delivered as next week’s main event.

Elaine: For Shelly, Ed, Biff and myself. We’ll see you next week on the Gospel Truth.